Mamazen

On Mama guilt

I was raised catholic. I know guilt, born and raised with it. I didn't need to become a mama to develop a strong ability to make myself feel like crap over decisions I make. The big thing I feel the worst about with my parenting is tv/movie usage. I never wanted to be the parent that used tv/videos as a babysitter. I wanted to be one of those "tv free till 3" types... and I have failed that ideal entirely. 

Ruby didn't see a lick of TV till she was well over 1. Well, i'm sure she saw a little here and there, but we didn't intentionally put on shows for her. Then she got sick. SICK... hand foot and mouth disease style. Yowza. Toy Story saved the day. She would stop crying when it was on, as it distracted her from the incredible pain she was in. 

My dear friend Jessica  was trying to decrease the amount of tv her kid was watching, and she told me some wise wise words... "it's a slippery slope". Hell yes it is. Truthfully, most days (now that she doesn't nap) she watches one video mid afternoon for 'quiet time' , and then right before bed a short (very short, like 7 minutes) bedtime video. We've tried reading for bedtime, but it doesn't mellow her out the same way. Eventually I'd like bedtime to be about books, but for now, books get her too excited. 

So normally it's less than 2 hours a day, which is not horrid - not my lovely ideal, but not horrid. Today... another story. We've had grandma in town for a week, and she just left this morning, which coincided with a resurgence of cold for Ruby and I. So all of her needs must be met by me today, while I'm feeling kind of crapish and PMSy and she's snotty and tired. Suffice to say, it's been on a lot. When she asked for sesame street I didn't even hesitate to turn it on, 90 mins later we headed back to the kitchen to play in the water and eat. Then there was Finding Nemo while I rearranged and vacuumed the living room. You enjoyed moving furniture with me for all of 30 minutes, but then you needed distraction, and since the entire room was in shambles, Nemo it was. Lunch was had, and more water play, and then some (short cause I didn't feel so great) time outside followed by a long bath together. After bathtime, my sinuses cursing me, I turned on toy story to buy myself 80 minutes of quiet and time to get the bread made for dinner. 

Clearly she's not feeling great, cause on a regular day, she'd get bored with this much media and end up playing while it was on... today she just sat quietly and watched. Still, I have guilt that I'm rotting her brain and that she'll never read or something.  I mean, seriously. We're sick, we're tired. We're not dying sick, but sick enough that running around in the cold wind would be stupid, and I still feel bad for turning it on? 

I really need to learn to give myself a break, no?

On just being thankful

I read something yesterday that made me stop... stop everything and want to fall down on my knees weeping, thankful that i wasn't writing it. The writer lost a child shortly after birth a few years ago, and now serves as a photographer for other parents going through the same thing. She told of witnessing this mother and father holding their dear child during the last moments of her short and painful life, of the desperate search for a cell phone charger so they could play the song that chose her very name. 

I was warned that the link would make me cry. I was prepared to cry. What I was not prepared for, was that it would haunt me, that I would wake up at 3 am with the song floating through my head, and that I would find myself picturing this family over and over. 

Many things make me want to hold my child tight to my heart on a daily basis. I cannot fathom losing a child. Unfortunately, I have known way too many families who have. Some have recovered amazingly, some end up lost in the grief. I cannot fathom losing a child.  Losing a desperately wanted and planned for pregnancy seems hard enough, and my loss was so tiny in comparison to most. But, the thought of losing a child that... god, I can't even finish that statement. 

So much to be thankful for, so much grace to see in today. 22/365

1. waking up at 5:30 to a croupy coughing child, who was still happy enough to shout "KISS!!" after she had calmed down from the coughing.

2. making a delightful pot of tea, followed by a delicious pot of coffee.

3. sitting by the heat vent eating breakfast sausage with a very hungry toddler. 

4. an hour alone in target, to find more than what i need, but just enough to fill my cart

5. adjusting babies. Truly, treating kids and infants is so much fun. 

6. Sunshine all day, even tho it was cold and windy, the sun was so beautiful!

7. Rocks. nothing gives my girl more joy right now than carrying around a rock or two. weird, but there it is.

8. the way Ruby laughs at her daddy. good god, that can lighten your burden for a bit.

9. Burgerville for dinner. Local, sustainable, delicious, and they treat their employees well. Amen to that.

10. Friends that get you, you know the ones, that you can sign crazy things to across the play ground, the ones that ask you with such sincerity 'how are YOU?', the ones that know exactly what knitting pattern you'll like, or not like, the ones that force you to do things you don't want to, because they know you need it more than you'll admit. yeah... you. I'm talking to you. thanks. 

Dear Universe...

I don't ask you for much, but a while back, I asked you for a wee little favor ... so now I'm back to say

Thank you
Born at 32 weeks, after 4 weeks on bedrest due to premature rupture of membranes, I give you

Shoghi
3 lbs 7 oz
8/8/8 at 3:15 am

and
Maxwell
3 lbs 15 oz
8/8/8 at 3:16 am

Both boys are doing amazing for being early arrivals, breathing on their own and generally wowing everyone who sees them. They are a delight and a joy, and I'm blessed to be a part of their lives. Their mama on the other hand has become, well a MAMA. Watching her morph beautifully into this role has filled my heart with a new level of love and admiration for her. She dealt with a 4 week hospital stay with more grace and brilliance than I ever could, and has brought these beautiful blessings earthside with strength and resilience. I'm honored to be a part of their lives, and so excited to share my life with them. We're in for a wild ride babies!

So, thank you, universe/god/whathaveyou. It sure is nice when one of our own ends up on the happy side of things.

Mindfulness, striving for it.

Lately, parenting my almost two year old is a trying time. She is cranky, and clingy and needy. She wants what she wants NOW, and if she doesn't get it she throws things or tantrums. It's not easy to deal with when it's short lived, but when it's day after day, it's exhausting. When you combine this with a toddler who skips naps and who fights falling asleep till 11 pm, it is complete crazy making.
Trying to keep her happy and distracted throughout the day is hard work, and on no nap days damn near impossible on my own. Taking her out can sometimes be good, as she has some fun, yet her wick is short and it's not always fair to people we go play with to have a cranky angry toddler around. Sometimes we resort to Signing Times or Toy Story to get through the last few hours of the day, and sometimes we just go from moment to moment hoping for and early bedtime, and trying not to lose my cool.
As this week has worn on, as I got more and more tired of the whole situation, and as I felt more and more at the end of my rope, I realized I needed to shift my perspective in order to get through this period. I realized that I needed to think more about how my little girl was feeling, and focus less on my own frustration. She gets cranky and wants my attention because she's not getting it. She's going through a growth period emotionally and physically and she wants me to be a part of it, and I'm busy trying to clean the house and cook the meals and run a business. She's frustrated because she can't fully articulate what she wants, and she can't get the things she wants for herself... and I'm slow on the up take of both of those things for her. She's clingy because I'm setting boundaries around how often she can nurse (nope, not every 45 minutes!) and she's feeling the need to be close to me.
I realized that it was time to dial things back a bit and spend a lot of time breathing deeply and getting down to her level. I won't say that once I had this realization that everything was roses and sunshine, but when I was able to really focus on her and what was happening in that moment, it WAS better. I won't say I didn't lose my cool more than once after making this realization, cause I did... but I gave her a lot more of myself before I needed to leave the room.
Our lives have taken on a breakneck speed of busyness lately. The basement remodel is starting to look like it's going to wrap up soon, with that the household is in constant motion, and daddy is extra busy. Spring means gardening which means extra housework, and the laundry and dishes aren't going to do themselves. I'm a social person by nature, and it seems this is birth blessing and birthday season. Running a household, a business or two and keeping up friendships makes for a busy mama. Ruby is my (almost) constant companion, so we spend a lot of time out and about... and it's wearing on both of us. I'm not adept at letting things slide too much, but the laundry is allowed to pile up a little more and the state of chaos of the house is getting higher and higher, and i'm not tackling it as often (not to say it doesn't annoy me!). There is an end in sight thankfully to much of it. We've got a fun weekend/early week of family (Ru's cousins) coming to play and then a week after that our housemate/vice husband/live in builder moves on to different pastures. I think the weekend after he goes, which will be Ruby's birthday weekend, we'll take some friends up on their offer of using their beach house and have a quiet weekend just the three of us.
Life with a little person is short (ha ha ha) and can be incredibly sweet if we let it. My goal for this weekend is to do less multitasking and more mini-tasking with my little mini. We've got a lot planned, but with her hand in mine, hopefully we can get through the days with a little more grace and a little less crank.

Mindfulness, striving for it.

Lately, parenting my almost two year old is a trying time. She is cranky, and clingy and needy. She wants what she wants NOW, and if she doesn't get it she throws things or tantrums. It's not easy to deal with when it's short lived, but when it's day after day, it's exhausting. When you combine this with a toddler who skips naps and who fights falling asleep till 11 pm, it is complete crazy making.
Trying to keep her happy and distracted throughout the day is hard work, and on no nap days damn near impossible on my own. Taking her out can sometimes be good, as she has some fun, yet her wick is short and it's not always fair to people we go play with to have a cranky angry toddler around. Sometimes we resort to Signing Times or Toy Story to get through the last few hours of the day, and sometimes we just go from moment to moment hoping for and early bedtime, and trying not to lose my cool.
As this week has worn on, as I got more and more tired of the whole situation, and as I felt more and more at the end of my rope, I realized I needed to shift my perspective in order to get through this period. I realized that I needed to think more about how my little girl was feeling, and focus less on my own frustration. She gets cranky and wants my attention because she's not getting it. She's going through a growth period emotionally and physically and she wants me to be a part of it, and I'm busy trying to clean the house and cook the meals and run a business. She's frustrated because she can't fully articulate what she wants, and she can't get the things she wants for herself... and I'm slow on the up take of both of those things for her. She's clingy because I'm setting boundaries around how often she can nurse (nope, not every 45 minutes!) and she's feeling the need to be close to me.
I realized that it was time to dial things back a bit and spend a lot of time breathing deeply and getting down to her level. I won't say that once I had this realization that everything was roses and sunshine, but when I was able to really focus on her and what was happening in that moment, it WAS better. I won't say I didn't lose my cool more than once after making this realization, cause I did... but I gave her a lot more of myself before I needed to leave the room.
Our lives have taken on a breakneck speed of busyness lately. The basement remodel is starting to look like it's going to wrap up soon, with that the household is in constant motion, and daddy is extra busy. Spring means gardening which means extra housework, and the laundry and dishes aren't going to do themselves. I'm a social person by nature, and it seems this is birth blessing and birthday season. Running a household, a business or two and keeping up friendships makes for a busy mama. Ruby is my (almost) constant companion, so we spend a lot of time out and about... and it's wearing on both of us. I'm not adept at letting things slide too much, but the laundry is allowed to pile up a little more and the state of chaos of the house is getting higher and higher, and i'm not tackling it as often (not to say it doesn't annoy me!). There is an end in sight thankfully to much of it. We've got a fun weekend/early week of family (Ru's cousins) coming to play and then a week after that our housemate/vice husband/live in builder moves on to different pastures. I think the weekend after he goes, which will be Ruby's birthday weekend, we'll take some friends up on their offer of using their beach house and have a quiet weekend just the three of us.
Life with a little person is short (ha ha ha) and can be incredibly sweet if we let it. My goal for this weekend is to do less multitasking and more mini-tasking with my little mini. We've got a lot planned, but with her hand in mine, hopefully we can get through the days with a little more grace and a little less crank.

Ahem...

Hello, Universe? Did you read my previous request? the one where I asked you to give my friend C a break? the one where I begged you to give her some respite from the mindfuck of infertility and loss? well, could you go back and read it again? cause you're not holding up your end of the deal.

sincerely, K

Dear Universe...

I don't ask you for much, but I'm here to ask you a big favor. A really really special friend of mine is newly pregnant. She's battled so much to get where she is. She's had more losses than any one should ever have (well If I had my way there wouldn't be any losses for anyone, but I digress) and she's been through many incarnations of the infertility war. She's ended a marriage, and is bravely entering into parenthood as a single woman. She is my hero is so many ways. She's strong and smart and creative. She is brave and sincere and vulnerable. She knows what she wants and is willing to do what is needed to get there. She is a woman, through and through and I love her with all parts of my heart.
So, universe, I need a little help here. With her history of loss, there is a lot of fear and worry in her heart and mind. Can you give her a break? Can she just have a normal healthy pregnancy? Can you just leave her alone and let her reach this goal unencumbered? Is that too much to ask?
Well in the absence of a sign from the universe, I did a makeshift binding ceremony, asking this baby to stay put until we give it the sign to come on out.
I began with one of my (many haha) fertility dolls. This doll was given to me by one of my coworkers. When she gave it to me, it had a beaded bracelet around it's waist with the instructions to break the beads when you wanted to conceive. Let's just say the bracelet was broken for a loooong time.

I then took some red yarn (cotton cashmere - only the softest and best!) that was left over from MY birth blessing ceremony almost 2 years ago, and a bead from my birth blessing necklace. I chose a bead that is a piece of moonstone (I think) wrapped in a wire, with intention of offering this baby a safe place to stay for another 38 weeks.

I then wrapped the yarn around the doll 10 times (I wanted to do 38 - for each week - but the doll would have been mummified!) for 10 months of pregnancy, with the bead in the center. And placed it on my altar with a stone that says "trust".

Trust, and faith are the hardest things to come by at this point in a pregnancy when you've fought so hard to get there. Hope is the other one that you just can't manufacture most days, but C knows that I'm holding the banner of hope high, for the days that she doesn't have much. She knows that I'm here, loving her, and loving her baby and holding them close to my heart.

I'm also wearing my red yarn bracelet until the day you give birth, as a tie that bids us across the miles.

I love you, my sweet friend.