Mamazen

A is for...

Having a child with anxiety is as horrible as it sounds.  You never know when it will strike, you never know what will trigger her to fall to the ground unable to move, unable to think or connect. You can never predict what will cause her heart to start racing and for her brain to sink into a place that doesn’t have the ability to hear your words of calming. Want to know what’s even worse? When your kid is also autistic and has trouble with communication and auditory processing issues. It takes longer for her brain to hear what is being said and to process into something that makes sense, and then even if it makes sense, it’s hard for her to explain why/what/who/where is the problem. Sometimes the only thing she can say to me is “I’m scared of everything.” Can you imagine feeling like that? Can you fathom what it feels like to not be able to explain to someone who loves you more than life itself why you can’t breathe, why your head is fuzzy and spinning and why your stomach is aching and in knots? You can’t? Well count yourself damn lucky because it fucking blows. 

Others will see her being obstinate, or see you as an infective parent, but you know the truth. You know that it’s not about the shirt, it’s not about the missing pony. It’s probably not about anything that’s even happened in the past 2 hours. It’s been building forever. 

Her baseline anxiety has been climbing for months (nay, years)but it’s peaking lately, resulting in many days of missed school, lots of tears and LOTS of watching My Little Pony. 

She’s afraid to go upstairs or downstairs alone, she’s terrified of rooms that are dark, every shadow is a ghost, every piece of dust a spider, everything is scary. EVERYTHING. IS. SCARY.

 

Two weeks ago I had to hold her down while someone she had never met pulled her pants down while someone else gave her a shot in her leg while she screamed that I was a monster. You know what? I felt like one. Boom, anxiety increase.

Then her school had a lockdown drill where they had to hide under their desks in silence. Boom, anxiety increase. 

Then the next day they had an assembly on disaster preparedness. To hear her talk of it, you would assume there was a horribly graphic and violent video, but there was not. But all she can talk about is houses on fire and rooms filling with water from floods and earthquakes. Boom, anxiety overload. 

 

And so here we are, another day of school missed (which is good because today was a fire drill), another day of too much MLP and minimal play/interaction and probably not eating much. Before you tell me that I should put my foot down and make her do school work or house work and not have ‘fun’ on her ‘day off’, just fuck off. She’s not skipping school because she's screwing around, her brain is at war with itself, and she's just trying to survive. We have been trying new things every few months trying to combat this demon in her mind and are still coming up empty handed.

Thankfully we haven't exhausted the options for anxiety, and thankfully science still is allowed to exist because that is what we hope will lead my poor kid out of her daily stress. Only time will tell. 

EIGHT

My dear sweet Ruby,

You are EIGHT years old. E.I.G.H.T. You are eight and you are GREAT. It's amazing how far you have come in the past year.  You entered 8 with flying colors. We had an amazing party (Pixies and Pirates!) and almost all of your favorite buddies came and rocked it. 

Everyone wore costumes, ate delicious cupcakes and pixie and pirate treats, made their own magic wands and took home pixie dust. You were absolutely breathtaking in your costume and a fantastic birthday girl host. After several years of not having parties because it was too overwhelming, the past two years have been amazing and I'm SO glad you love it. 

This past year has been nothing short of majestic for you. 

 

You have had countless play dates and adventures with friends, and you love each of them so very much.

The zoo with Chloe

 

Dress up dat at school with Alex and Mustaf

 

Pumpkin patch with Mxy and Shoghi

 

 

 

Pumpking patch with Lily

 

 

Pumpkin patch (again!) with Colin. This time with a bounce house!

 

 

Trick or treat with Lily, your first time going door to door and you ROCKED it. You were a little nervous, but with your friend at your side, you knocked on that first door and said "TRICK OR TREAT!" and then "THANK YOU SO MUCH!" I couldn't have been more proud. I was hoping we would trick or treat for 3-4 houses and we went for 90 minutes. Suffice to say, you LOVE halloween. 

Last summer we FINALLY got you on a trail-a-bike. You tried to balance but you couldn't figure out the pedaling. You LOVED going biking with Daddy, and as a family we went many times. 

This spring you got your OWN two wheeler and by the end of the first day you were pedaling on your own! You have trouble getting started and need some help navigating the sidewalk but you are getting there. I suspect you will need training wheels for a long time, but really, who cares! You are SO proud of yourself when you ride!

You also got a scooter and took off the first day, which you have chosen over your bike every time since getting it, so the bike hasn't gotten much love the past few weeks, but we are hoping it will be a biking summer! Just the fact that you have accomplished these HUGE physical feats is amazing within itself. Your body and your brain are working SO hard together! 

You sat on Santa's lap for the first time: EVER. You even had a little chat with him! In previous years your anxiety got the better of you and you were to frightened to go through with it, but this year, with Lily in tow, you braved the line and met with Santa. It was truly a magical moment for all of us. I still don't know what you said to him, but I know he must've heard you because you had the best Christmas ever. Buddy the Elf came and decorated the house with snowflakes while you slept and it was a winter wonderland the morning you woke up. You sure do make the holidays fun!

You took your first pony ride this year! At one of our favorite pumpkin patches, you rode a pony and had a great time! 

You have continued to love puzzles and have started liking games! We played go fish several times in one week when you first got interested, but now that summer is upon us you'd much rather be outside getting dirty than sitting and playing cards. I am looking forward to the fun we will have in the cold months!

You LOVE taking pictures. I got a new camera (for mama) but sometimes you take it and get the most interesting views of things. (including but not limited to, feet, eyes, leaves, dirt, rocks, the sky...)

 

You LOVE your baby sister. Some days the two of you are inseperable and some days you are insufferable...

You like reading to her on the potty

Or before bed.

you share daddy (sometimes)

and mama (sometimes)

You like showing her the fine art of playing in the dirt

And how to play the piano (loudly)

You're teaching her how to drive.

And how to ride a motorcycle. (you're kind of a badass)

Lately the two of you love to watch a movie while eating bean tacos. 

We started going to the library once a week and you and Lucy both love picking out new books to read. Your interest in books and reading has taken a huge leap, I believe actually reading is just around the corner! So exciting!

You and Lucy both started asking for face paint every morning while I would get ready for work. Whiskers are my specialty. 

But sometimes I get fancy.

You've also taught her the fine art of licking the beaters after making frosting. Good stuff!

And the kisses. OH. MY. HEART. The kisses!

Lately if Lucy is upset (either because you upset her or because I won't let her have something she is desperate for), you go over, and kiss her head and tell her it will be ok, and  start singing a little song I made up back when she was an infant with tummy problems. She would cry all night long from tummy pain and I was too tired to think of actual songs so I made up a little song with the words "Too ra loo ra loo ra, too ra loo ra loo". As soon as you start singing (eithet that or Blackbird) she calms down and my heart melts. You are such a loving big sister!

We had a snowstorm! Snowpocalypse 2014, to be exact! 

We were housebound for a couple of days and it was super fun to snuggle inside then bundle up and sled around the neighborhood. It was pretty windy one day, but the next day we had a blast.

 

We took another (amazing) trip to Maui (in a condo that we bought!)

 

When we first arrived Daddy bought you a beautiful Lei and you (despite how tired you are in this picture) loved it.

 

Grandma was on this trip with us, and we took many walks to the beach, you were quite the proud big sister pushing Lucy. 

 

Also several amazing hikes, including this one (twice) into the bamboo forrest. 

You loved teaching Lucy how to enjoy the ocean. 

 

We saw countless sunsets and waterfalls

 

 

 

And we went to the Maui Ocean Center for the first time! It was so beautiful and amazing. 

Lucy wasn't yet walking then and you helped her practice often. 

It was a great trip, although it was hard since we were furnishing the condo and didn't have as much playtime as we would've liked. Good thing we are going back in a month!

Your pretend play have really taken off this year. You can spend an hour creating a scene with your ponies or other figurines talking about these elaborate stories happening. It's truly magical and amazing to watch this finally unfold for you! 

You've also started drawing amazing pictures! sometimes you'll copy something you're reading but often you will just create the most delightful creatures or ideas. Your brain is completely exploding with being 8. 

The other HUGE shift has been your conversational skills. You still have communication challenges, but your ability to not only have your needs met but to tell us SO many oustanding things you are thinking, or remembering or imagining completly blows  my mind some days. Gone are the days where we have to ask you "whole sentence please?" because you're talking in paragraphs, explaining things to your baby sister, making up stories, and telling me all about your days. I never thought we would get here, and now here we are and it's delightful. Somedays you NEVER STOP TALKING... and although it occasionally drives me batty, it's music to my ears to hear you say "Come on sissy! let's go pick blueberries from the bush! I'll show you how, go get a bowl!" I will always be grateful for all of the therapists and teachers who have gotten you to this amazing place. 

You have also started WHINGING  and are constantly asking "WHY MOMMY? PLEASE MOMMY?" and although it makes my ears bleed, I know it's all a developmental process and I try to just roll with it. (somedays I am not as successful with the rolling part). But WHY WHY WHY is something most kids do long before 8 so the fact that you are here is just a testament to the fact that you do things in your own time, at your own pace with your own agenda. You're always reminding me of that. 

It's hard for me to believe that just a moment ago you were this tiny newborn whom I barely knew how to care for and then you were this toddler who was so challenged that we would both cry because we didn't know how to get you what you needed. And now, here you are this amazing 8 year old who tells stories and talks about her feelings and is so fantastic and loving and openhearted. 

Your very existence is an act of science and wonder and magic, and now here you are, not only believing in magic but spreading joy and pixie dust to everyone you get close to. 

I love you more than words can say sweet Ruby Violet, even on the days where we butt heads all day and yell at each other, I still love you more than you will ever know. You are the reason I am a mother. You make me want to be a better person every day. You make me try harder and think more, you make me smile and laugh and sing. You challenge me in ways I never knew I would be challenged and in the next breath you amaze me with your abilities. 

I can't wait to see what happens next. All of my unending love, Mama

 

 

 

 

What a difference a year makes

Every year our family has a huge camping trip. We've been doing it for at least 15 years, if not longer. We all (or whomever can come each year) meet at a campground somewhere in the PNW and spend 3-4 days eating, drinking, playing games and getting dirty. There's usually at least tiny bit of drama (it IS family, for crying out loud) and a LOT of laughter. Someone always gets hurt (usually, though not always the same sister) and there is always love. 

Bringing our kids camping was always a no-brainer. Of COURSE my kids would camp, duh, it's a way of life. However the first year after Ruby was born, the CampMout (Mout is my maiden name) was just a few weeks after her (very hard and traumatic Cesarean) birth so camping wasn't on my radar. The next year was awesome, she was just starting to walk, and happy to get dirty and be passed from one family member to another. At 2 we again had a great time, throwing rocks in the water and eating by the river.   The following year (age 3) was also fun although we were entrenched in sleep issues and were exhausted by the end of the weekend. The next two years we opted out of (usually at the last minute) because frankly, it was just too hard to do anything and we were barely keeping our heads above water. Last year we took the plunge and planned the trip, because it was close to home (90 min drive) and we knew the area well and loved it. I was pregnant with Lucy, and hopeful that we could at least enjoy one night in the woods. 

When we arrived at camp, the whole crew was gathered around in camp chairs talking and as we drove up, they all called out excitedly to Ruby. AND SHE WAS DONE FOR. Her anxiety went immediately through the roof and she could NOT get out of the car. She was sweating, crying and begging to go home. We patiently waited with her, letting the family know that if she didn't calm down, we would in fact throw in the towel and go home. It took over an hour, a potty accident and much calming an coaxing for her to exit the car and crawl into the tent.  We read books, played on the ipad and had dinner without even talking to any of the other family members. She was just too panicked. I assume it was the instant social pressure, the fact that the faces probably seemed unfamiliar so far away and that we were woefully underprepared for anxiety of that measure. Fortunately my family cleared out of the campsite we were setting up in and gave her wide berth to get her feet under her. Ultimately it was my brother in law and their dog who got her to crawl out of the tent and make contact. Still, the rest of that evening we waited with baited breath to see if she would drop back into that place of terror but she ate, and went to bed and slept like a rock. 

In the morning she slowly ventured out and started carefully choosing which people she was comfortable enough to interact with. As the weekend went on, it was again the dog (Avery) who kept her happy, and running around the campground as often as possible. There were a few difficult meltdowns and a lot of fear of the porta potty (with success eventually). I wouldn't say it was a very relaxing weekend, as she needed a LOT of mama/papa intervention/guidance and a lot of help with communication. 

Fast forward to this summer. We arrived at camp (the same place as last year) and pulled into the campsite and she was out of the car faster than anyone, ready to run off and tell Nana all about the tooth fairy coming to visit. She was instantly social, engaging everyone around her in conversation, and asking for the help she needed. A year ago she would've come calling for mama or daddy everytime she wanted more food, or help to go to the bathroom but this summer she was amazing and realized everyone was there to help her. She happily ran off to play with her cousins, aunts, uncles and extended family any time she was invited and sometimes when she wasn't. She engaged Kailie's boyfriend in all sorts of silly games and won his heart over completely (he admitted that normally he didn't like kids but he sure liked Ruby!) She fell several times, gettind scraped and bruised and battered, and she was brave and kept putting herself out there.  She ate her meals with the family calmly sitting around the campfire. She roasted marshmallows and ate s'mores. She asked to go to bed when she was exhausted and woke happily in her sleeping bag.

She blew my mind at every turn. She even made woodland fairy creatures with Nana (my mom) and builty a fairy land (castle?) with Triston (Kailie's boyfriend). While we played Mexican train dominoes she even sat for part of the game and tried to help her Auntie Bug lose. 

When it was time to go home, she happily said good bye to everyone saying "Thanks for coming out! See you next time!" and hugged and kissed (almost) everyone good bye. It was, quite frankly, a dream trip. I couldn't have asked for anything better. The second we pulled away from the campsite, my first thought was, "When can we do this again."

We're back in the game folks, and mama couldn't be happier. 

Six and a half

My dear amazing Ruby,

You're six and half. WHAT? how did that happen? Well, it keeps happening, you just keep getting older, I guess I should get used to it... but it's so very hard. 

You are an amazing big sister. You've only showed aggression/frustration toward your little sister one time, and quite frankly you were having one of the worst days of your life that day, so I chalk it up to that. You're learning how to be helpful, getting her pacifier (or Chewey as you call it) and bringing me a blanket when she's nursing to sleep. You're also learning to make her laugh and smile. Lucy is ultimately fascinated by you. When you're playing near her she watches everything you do and it's completely adorable. When you do something that makes her laugh, you stop everything that you're doing and try and try to get her to laugh again. You have absolutely no idea how much I love this. THIS is why I wanted you to have a sibling. Your favorite things are to pretend to sneeze (very dramatically), to say "a goo goo!" to her (which makes her have the sweetest smile, and occasionally she goos back) and tonight you ROARed at her and she thought you were hilarious.  Over and over you roared and waited for her response. Sometimes when I think my heart can't take anymore... things like this happen.

 

I mentioned earlier that you'd had one of the worst days of your life, and it was one of mine too. You seemed to have hit a point lately where your sensory system was completely overloaded and one day you just snapped. You ran away from me in the street MANY times. Once a kind stranger stopped you before you got to an intersection, I don't know if you would have run into it but I was chasing you with Lucy asleep in her carseat and I know I couldn't have stopped you myself.  It happened many times in one day, sending me a bit over the edge and making me worry for your safety.  Fortunately within a few days you seemed to return to your normal (if not a little overstimulated) self. I'm so glad, because you mean the world to me. 

On your last day of school before winter break, on the other side of the country a very bad man walked into a school and hurt a lot of people, including killing 20 children your age. When I heard the news it was all I could do to not rush to your school and sweep you into my arms just to know you were safe and alive and still mine.  Every moment I can these past two weeks I am thankful for your safety and beating heart. I think about the parents who are grieving and I can hardly breathe trying to imagine the enormity of their grief.  I love you so very much. 

You just celebrated your 6th Christmas, and it was your first truly magical one.  I wondered if you would ever  *get* Santa and the magic that surrounds Christmas and this year you did. I had no idea if all the movies and chatter would affect you, but the morning of Christmas when you slunk into my bathroom while I finished showering (yeah, I was up EARLY with Lucy) and I asked you if you thought Santa had brought presents you replied "Let's go see!" and my heart leapt from my chest.  You waited patiently while I got dressed and then raced down the stairs, just like any other kid. When you saw the presents under the tree you exclaimed "PRESENTS!!!!"  and I knew that for a brief moment, you believed in Santa Clause.  You then ran into the guest room shouting loudly to your Nana and Grandpa "GET UPGET UP GET UP! Presents!" and I knew that everyone in the house was filled with the magic of Christmas. 

Then you excitedly opened each present, played with it briefly and then moved on to the next one. Christmas at our house is sparse. We don't buy lots of stuff, and this year, 3 of your 4 gifts to open were hand me down toys, which makes them all the more awesome knowing many other kids have enjoyed them before you. Your favorite gift was the box of pink legos, because you love all things pink (much to my dismay). You then helped everyone else open presents, delighting in each gift.  You truly embodied Christmas, and it was the Best. Christmas. Ever.

Speaking of the best things ever... our tree is amazing. You have taken decorating the tree to  a whole new level. Everything you colored, cut, made, or found ended up on the tree this year and I could not love it more. It is truly the best tree ever.

 

My darling sweet Ruby. I cannot believe you are  six and a half.  You amaze me on a regular basis, and your gains constantly take me by surprise. Your love for your sister and the sweetness with which you look at her fills me with so much joy. I have no idea where your life will take you, but for the past six and a half years I have loved where it has taken me. 

All my love, Mama. 

First Grade and other amazing feats

My dear sweet Ruby,

Today you started first grade. In reality, it's not the most exciting thing that has happened to you in the past month, but we'll start there.

Let's just start by saying you weren't so sure about school today. 

We had planned on taking you to class today since you have a new teacher and we wanted to meet him, but the bus showed up anyway and kind of threw you off. I think when we drove you to school you were just confused about what was happening, and then walking into your old classroom with a new teacher, not your beloved Ms. Foley kinda freaked you out.  You clung to me like a never before, and buried your face in my chest. I ended up sitting on a mini chair and holding you while you kept saying in my ear "I'm really scared too! I'm really scared too!" 

Your daddy and I patiently held you and tried to talk you into taking off your backpack and coloring with your buddy Colin or Carinna, but you couldn't pull your self away from either of us. Last year you were hesitant but this was the first time I'd seen you really nervous about school. It was pretty heartbreaking but with the help of one of your aides from last year, Miss Shelly, we were finally able to slip out and let you start your day. She helped you get involved in some coloring and building and finally you were able to say good bye. I have to admit, as much as I'm enjoying the quiet time here in the house, I can't wait to see your sweet face at 3 pm and hear how your day went.  I have no doubt that you're going to love first grade, and you're going to rock it just like you rocked Kindy, but man, I miss you right now. 

The other HUGE thing that happened to you this summer... You became a big sister. I'm not going to lie to you, I was a little worried about how bringing a baby into our lives would affect you. I wasn't sure if you would even like having a baby, much less be interested or helpful with him or her. I was worried you would have major regressions in potty or sleep and I was worried you would be angry or aggressive. I expected you to be a bit curious and then to want nothing to do with the baby, and part of me was expecting it to SUCK because if it didn't I'd happily be very wrong. What I wasn't expecting was this:

I wasn't expecting you to be madly in love with your sister. You SISTER. You're a big sister! (and I'm a mama to two girls!) When you met Lucy in the hospital you were mostly just scared that I was in bed and I looked weird and couldn't get up, but you were curious about her and wanted to see all of her little fingers and toes. When we brought her home, you just couldn't and can't get enough of her. We see a lot of this:

Because you constantly want to kiss her and pet her sweet head. 

You spend a lot of time just looking at her, and examining each of her little parts, fingers, toes, ears, nose. I totally understand, I can't stop looking at her either, just like I couldn't stop looking at you when you were brand new. 

Anytime someone comes over you immediatly tell them "LOOK! We got a BABY!"  and " LOOK! it's baby LUCY!" which is also pretty much how I feel about it too. We got a baby and her name is LUCY! be still my heart. 

You absolutely LOVE helping with things like changing diapers (well mostly you just giggle when she cries and you sometimes pick out the clean diaper, dependig on the color you like best) and every time we need to change her you say in a sing-songy way "I want to change the baby's diaper!" And you love watching her nurse, remarking to everyone that Lucy is getting some milk.

So far you're pretty much rocking the big sister gig. I have no doubt that we'll hit some bumps here and there, but right now, I was WRONG about how these first few weeks would go... and happily wrong! The amount of love and tenderness you show towards your little sister is so beautiful to behold, I can't believe I ever expected anything else because of course you're sweet and tender... you're Ruby. I can't wait to see how your relationship with Lucy unfolds. I can't WAIT to see what you think of her when she does more than eat and sleep and poop. I can't wait for the first time you make her laugh, or play peek a boo or when she's learning to crawl.  Well I can wait, I'm in no hurry for either of you to grow up!

As all moms are when they're expecting a second child, I worried about how I'd split my time and love between two little humans. I worried that maybe I wouldn't have enough for both of you. How would I ever love another tiny person as much as I love you? And then, there she was and I loved her so fiercely and with such passion, and then there YOU were and I couldn't believe that it was possible for me to love you more, and yet I do.  I don't know how, but I love you more every day than I did the day before.

Ever since you came into my life, you've surprised me and taught me new things. You've healed my broken heart more than once, and you've pushed me to the edge of my comfort zone MANY times forcing me to try new things, see new things and expect better of myself and the world around me. And now here you are doing it again, you've found another corner of my heart and are in there forcing it to expand in ways I never thought possible. 

How did I get so lucky? 

xoxox Mama

Autism wins.

Somedays, Autism wins. Yes, that's Autism with a Capital A, as opposed to autism, the one that doesn't reduce you to a sniveling mess in the car outside your kids school.

Today was Run for the Arts at Ruby's school. Through the generosity of family and friends, she had about $400 worth of pledges on her sheet. I doubted she'd run more than 2-3 laps but you never know, the girl does love to run. I was excited for her first school fundraiser, and as a runner, excited to watch her run. Also, the arts programs can use all the help they can get, so knowing we had a lovely amount to donate to her school filled me with joy. So, I decided to volunteer the day of the run and help her class out.

I showed up in the classroom at the appointed time, and all the kids were still out at recess. I chatted with Ms. F about how things were going, shared some cute anectdotes and waited for the class to return. The second they came in, all the kids surrounded me asking who i was, and telling me about their day with Ruby. And then she walked in, and it all fell apart.

She saw me and thought it was time to go home. Nothing could dissuade her. I told her I was there to help, and that we were going to PE to run, and the tears started. We walked together to circle time where she buried her head in her lap and cried hysterically. When the kids went to line up she just completely freaked out. I tried hugging her, reassuring her, holding her hand, and every trick I had in my tool box. When the kids filed out, she ran to the table and just kept crying. Part of me knew it was over at this point, but part of me thought that maybe she might calm down and pull it together and be able to participate. 

She yelled at me to leave, saying "GOOD BYE! GOOD BYE! GO GO GO!" so I stepped out into the hallway to see if Ms. F could bring her sensory system down, the classroom after all is her territory, and Ru is used to her being there, not me. I stood outside the door, hearing her weep and hearing sweet Ms. F offer so many comforting things that usually help calm Ru down.  There was another little girl having a terriffic meltdown and it took two adults to keep her safe and I'm sure her outbursts were not helping Ruby's spiralling sensory system.

Finally Ms. F stepped out, and said Ruby was just crying on a bean bag, and she had to go check on the rest of the class in PE. I said I was going in to be with her, and Ms. F said "I think if you go in she's just going to want to go home" to which I replied "Yeah I think that's the only option, I don't think she can pull it  together, and I can't take much more" ((and I burst into tears)). I reassured Ms. F that I'm just an overly emotional pregnant lady and went in to Ruby.

I sat next to her on the floor, offering a hug, or a hand to hold or anything, and she just kept refusing me. Finally, after a couple of minutes she sat up, crawled into my lap and asked for a hug. I was doing my best NOT to cry, as I held her close, realizing my huge mistake in this debacle. I asked if she wanted to try to go to PE, and she said yes, but clearly she was so overwhelmed and confused that she didn't mean it because she immediately grabbed her jacket and backpack and wanted to go home. Ms. F came back, and we were going to try and walk to the track to watch the other kids, but the tears started again, and Ru practically climbed up my leg she was so anxious, shouting "Goodbye!" to her teacher. We bid her farewell and  headed out to the car, the sobs getting further and further apart.

Once we were outside, it was like it had never happened. She walked to the car, talking about the trees and the kids she saw at school that day, and asking for a snack. We buckled in, and headed out to the other stops we had that afternoon, groceries, milk, speech therapy, and other than not letting me out of her sight, she was totally normal.

I on the other hand, called Ryan (who is away in Texas on business) and cried like a baby. There is NOTHING harder than seeing your kid in a place that you can't reach, a place you put them in because you didn't think that maybe, just maybe the separation of home and school isn't something she's ready to shift yet. Nothing harder than watching her anxiety escalate to a point where she can't have rational thoughts.

Nothing worse  than knowing the only thing you can do is let Autism win, and try again tomorrow.

Fortunately, Ms. F is going to have Ruby run tomorrow at PE so she can still get credit for participating. Autism won today but it won't keep us down for long.

69 months

My dear sweet Ruby, 

It's been a while since I wrote you a letter, 6 months to be exact. But, we've been busy, and well, I forgot. So much has happened, SO MUCH. Frankly, as per usual, you've blown our minds with what you've done and how you've grown. Kindergarden has proven to be so much fun for you, you've made friends, you're working hard on communicating and interacting with them. You've been hugely successful with potty at school, tho we're still working on getting poops in the toilet, and we're all doing our best to be patient with you as you learn how to do this and communicate your needs to us. 

At school you're progressing well on all of your goals, not blowing through them, but slowly working on each one. I'm not sure you'll reach all of them, but you're trying, and we're so proud of you. Your language is progressing with leaps and bounds, your conversational skills surprise me every day. You'd think that I would be used to these surprises by now, but I never am, they always blow me away. 

You've been having sleep troubles off and on again but the awesome thing is that you're sleeping in your own room! We moved your bed into your Lorax room shortly before Christmas, and surprisingly it was an pretty easy transition... well the going to bed part was. Every night you're happy as can be to run into your room after your shower and hop into bed and to let one of us read books to you and snuggle you till  you fall asleep. However you've only had a night or two that you slept all night alone in there, and after a month and half of your daddy and I taking turns sleeping in your twin bed we finally decided to just put a twin mattress on the floor of your room so we'd have a comfortable place to sleep. I figure all of your sleep transitions have been difficult and have taken a long time so this one probably will be too but we might as well get as much rest as possible during it. 

Your daddy is doing all the nght duty because I realized I just needed more sleep... because you're going to be a big sister! It's still very abstract for you, but I think you're starting to get it. Every night when I do bedtime you like to rest your head on my belly and say "good night! sweet dreams baby!" We listen to the heartbeat with a doppler and you will sometimes get a HUGE smile on your face when we hear that sweet galloping sound that is your little brother or sister. I can't wait till you can feel the kicks and rolls as he or she grows bigger in my belly, and I really can't wait to see how you grow and mature when he or she arrives. 

My dear, amazing Ruby, I can't believe you're closer to six than you are to five. Every day you amaze me, and every day I'm grateful to be your mother. Every day you shake me to my core, empty me out and fill me up again. Every day, you show me thing I didn't know existed in the world around me, and in the world within me. 

I love you, I love you, I love you. 

xoxo Mama

Yeah it bothered me too but...

Lately there has been a (poorly written with some wretched grammar, but with some good points) article about running circulating. I'm not going to link to it, because I don't believe it needs or deserves any more traffic. It's not because it was poorly written, or because it has bad grammar, but because in the very first paragraph, before I can even bring myself to like the guy, he pulls the R word. Makes a joke about being retarded and acutally says 'to put it politely'.

 

POLITELY? it's Polite to ridicule and offend people who can't defend themselves? It's more POLITE to call your inability/non desire to take care of your body through exercise retarded than to say... um LAZY? 

POLITE?

FUCKING BULLSHIT. You know, you're a relatively intelligent human being with access to MANY words in the human language and this is all you can come up with?  Seriously? I mean I know in your title you admit you're an idiot, but REALLY?

But the article isn't the only reason I'm blogging about this. If this were written by someone I knew they would have probably gotten a email filled with education about the word choices they used, and depending on their response, might not really be my friend anymore. The reason I'm writing about this is because of the number of people I know, and love, and respect who are sharing links to this article.

When you click *like* or you share these things, you condone the language.  When you post this article and then say 'yeah it bothered me to' but still share it... do you not care? Do you not care that now more people are clicking and reading and assuming that it's ok to make retard jokes because the rest of the article is funny? I had one person respond to me that the article was 'borderline offensive'... This isn't borderline offensive, trust me, I've got a kid in special ed, this guy crossed the border a long time ago. It's rude, it's wrong and it's time to grow the fuck up and change our language.

The thing is, I could have written this article myself, down to the huffing and puffing when I started running, to the revelation that running clothes are super rad, to the fact that when you actually start doing it, it's FUN... but I could have done it with out hurting my kid, and many other kids who do ride the special ed bus, and do attend a special class and just possibly might end up getting a check for disability for the rest of her life.

So please, think twice when you recommend something that carries this word with it. It's not just that it's offensive, it's that you're allowing this word to be whitewashed into daily life, swept under the rug because 'the rest of it was good' and people remain desensitized to the discrimination.

Do it for me. Do it for Ruby.

Progress

So close. So close to the end I can taste it. I'd like to go out with a bang, telling you some outrageous story about me, Tony Soprano and a pipe wrench but... I really shouldn't.

Instead I'll tell you that at 4 am I was woken up by being pummeled with a multitude of elbows and knees that completely scared the bejesus out of me. I yelped and startled the poor kid (who was clearly having a bad dream) back into her own bed where she cried out "I'm saweeee I'm saweeee!!!" to which I tried to reassure her that there was absolutely nothing to be sorry about, I was just startled.

She then popped her head up and shouted: I HAVE TO GO POTTY!

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and so we ran to the bathroom, pulled off her night time diaper (that usually wakes up dry) and popped her up on the toilet in the darkness.

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and then she peed. For the first time ever, my kid woke up to pee in the night. The heavens parted, and a choir of angels sang a holy tune of tinkle tinkle little pee. Progress people, it's all about progress.

Muppet madness

 

Yesterday I took Ruby to see the new Muppet Movie with most of my family.  A few of the dudes stayed behind to watch foozball, but really they missed the best show. 

I was skeptical that Ru would make it though the movie at all, since she'd pretty much been a melting, screaming mess most of the morning. She'd had such  a great day on Thanksgiving that it was no surprise she had a hard time keeping her shit together on Friday. Lots of melt downs, lots of crying, lots of throwing stuff. I kept asking her if she wanted to go see a movie and she'd say "no, no movie!" so I finally showed her the trailer to the Muppet movie and her interest peaked. It wasn't until I told her we could get popcorn that she willingly changed her clothes, grabbed her backpack and headed for the car. 

She hadn't peed in a while, so I kept asking her if she needed to go potty, which of course she didn't once we were in the theater. We had 30 minutes of previews (some of which were way too intense for my kid) and I was sure that we'd never make it through the whole movie without a melt down and/or wet pants. 

Finally the movie started and Ruby was riveted. She sat on the edge of the seat or cuddled up in my lap and couldn't take her eyes off the screen.  She enjoyed each song, bopping her head and singing along even though she didn't know the words most of the time. When it finally came time for the Chickens to perform Forget you by Cee Lo Green she was 100% in Ruby Show mode. She had every person around us laughing and watching her, not the screen. 

I could not have loved her more in that moment. My girl has the Muppet Madness and I plan on doing everything I can to feed it.