Mamazen

28 months

My Darling Lucy,

Today you are 28 months old. This letter won't have many pictures because it's been a busy month, with Mabel being born and coming home. But you've done and learned a lot so I will tell you all about that. 

First of all, you LOVE being a big sister. LOVE

Any chance you get to hold Mabel, kiss Mabel, watch her nurse, or help change a diaper, you are all over it. 

While Mabel and I were still in the hospital, you took advantage of some of the fun things they offered for siblings. You and Ruby loved the holiday decorations

You met (and were a little scared of) this little droid named R2D2. Your dad on the other hand was beside himself with joy. 

On Friday afternoons you and Ruby  went to the art class for siblings. You loved it, because just like Ruby, you love doing projects and making stuff. 

On our first night home, you and Ruby insisted that Mabel and I snuggle with you to fall asleep. My heart has never felt so full and happy. All three of my daughters in one bed!

Like I said, you will do ANYTHING to get a chance to hold Mabel. 

You and Ruby have been having quite a love affair. Perhaps it's because you're learning to be a big sister from her, but you have (a little) less contention and arguments with each other lately. You also snuggle a lot and desperately want to sleep next to each other (tho it's hard to get bedtime quiet when you are 'snuggling')

You've been sick the past few days (as have I and Ruby and your dadddy) with a mild virus. Fever, ear ache, misery. Fortunately you started feeling better last night, and today seem right as rain. Ruby on the other hand is still in bed, and will miss another day of school tomorrow. 

This past month your language has completely blown me away. Your sentence structure went from 2 to MANY words. You are so good at telling us what you need, and when you don't know the word  you keep trying till we all figure it out. You are singing ALL.THE.TIME. You love to sing Frosty the Snowman, Let it Go (from Frozen, oh how you love this song, and you are very dramatic when you sing it), Twinkle Twinkle Lucy Star (yes, that's what it sounds like), Itsy Bitsy Spider and a few others. 

You know a few of your letters, which is also mind blowing. You definitely know O and L (for Lucy) and R (for Ruby) and possibly a few others. You can count to 5 and sometimes 8, and can rote count to 4, but not consistently. I'm pretty sure you will be reading EARLY.

Your favorite thing right now is to 'Waptch pump!". If I even mention that I need to pump you MUST be there, even when you had a fever you would get out of bed to watch me pump. One day when I was stil in the hospital with Mabel you insisted that I pump on while we facetimed. The nurse thought that was hilarious. Oh well, they did feature pretty promimently in your life until recently.

I believe this is the last time you ever nursed. You would ask to "taste" Mabel's nanas and latch on for a minute or two. I had no intention of ever tandem nursing but then you kept going throughout my whole pregnancy, nursing to sleep even on the night my water broke. I had figured that if you needed to keep nursing to transtion into having a baby sister easier I would just do it. And then all hell broke loose and you didn't see me but for a few minutes each day. I will admit I cried many nights in the hospital thinking you were sad, or angry or just missing the nanas. So when you would ask for a taste, I was happy to let you. Then one day, you said "Ucy all done nanas. Mabel no share nanas with Ucy." And just like that, you weaned. On your terms, with your big, loving heart, you gave all the milks to Mabel. I am simultaneously filled with joy and pride and sadness. You talk about the nanas all the time, but usually in relation to your concern about when Mabel needs them, and if it's time to pump.

Oh my sweet Lucy Mae, you are such a joy to experience. You are funny, and loud, and mischevious, and so very loving. You like to make trouble, pushing boundaries until someone has to intervene, with a look on your face like "come at me, bro!" You are two with a capital TWO. Demanding to have what you want, when you want it, and how you want it. But at the same time, you are relatively flexible and understanding for a two year old. Even when you are really pushing MY buttons, you are still pretty cute, and extremely loveable. You like to choose your own clothes, wipe your own bum (oh yeah, you're pretty much 100% potty trained, which is awesome!) and do everything yourself. If I so much as consider putting the seat on the potty, Oh my I don't hear the end of it. You aren't just angry, you're downright OFFENDED. I try not to laugh, but it's pretty funny. 

Thanks for making this difficult transition from 2-3 kids a little easier, with your wit and your love and your open heart. Thank you for being such an amazing human, and for making my job of being your mama a little easier (tho yes, somedays you make it damn hard too!). Thank you for choosing us to be your family, for choosing me to be the one you want to pick you up and rock you to sleep. Thank you for being the best Lucy  you could possibly be. 

I love you with all of my heart, Mama

 

ONE month.

My darling Mabel,

 

Today you are one month old. You still aren't supposed to be born yet. Well, I guess I should back track and tell the story of how you were born, right? 

 

5 weeks ago when I was only 33 weeks pregnant my water broke. To say this is an emergency is a bit of an understatement. It happened in the middle of the night so I rushed off to the hospital with a friend so that your daddy could stay home with your two big sisters. You were safe and sound inside so our plan was to sit tight for as long as possible and keep you cooking. I spent 6 long days sitting in a hospital bed watching movies and knitting before we had enough signs that you were going to be much better out than in. 

We went in for an "emergency" cesarean at 1am on 11/13/14 more than 6 weeks before your due date and 5 weeks before our originally planned cesarean. I will admit to you that your birth was both the hardest of my 3 surgical births and simultaneously the most amazing. The surgery part was HARD. I had a lot of anxiety and I was very very scared. I was worried about you, knowing you would be very small and not sure how you would do outside of your cozy womb. But you came out, squawked like a bird and they whisked you off to the resus room to be taken care of. After my surgery was over they rolled my bed into the room so I could see you and this is when the magic happened. 

You see, when Ruby was born I was so anxious and scared during her birth that they had to give me medicine that made me fall asleep. When I finally woke up, I was confused and couldn't remember anything, including holding her for the first time. When Lucy was born I was in a better state of mind but your daddy held her a long time before I did because I was shaking from the medicine. But with you...well they rolled my bed into  the room and they placed you on my chest. They placed your tiny 4lb8oz body on my chest and the entire room went silent. That moment changed everything. I never had a moment in your sisters births that felt made them like a sacred birth but in this magical moment at 2am, I did.  *and no one else had held you before that* 

 

 

 

So there we are, you were born too early, and yet from day 1 you've been a rock star. You never needed any help to breathe, you had no apnea or reflux. You spent 19 days in the NICU but you just needed time to figure out how to eat and stay warm. 

NINETEEN DAYS. We lived in that hospital room for 19 days. Well I lived in the hospital for 26 days but we spent 19 of them together in the NICU. Our days were a constant 3 hour cycle of nurse (or attempt), pump, sleep, or nurse, pump, eat (or shower or walk or kangaroo care). But it was every 3 hours no matter what. The doctors and nurses urged me to go home or get out but I didn't want to leave your side and I certainly wasn't going to miss a chance to nurse you or pump. 

 

 

 

 

 

daddy standing at your bedside on the first day of your life

Your first bottle of donor breast milk

Kangaroo care with Daddy

Lucy was happy to meet you, but needed some mama love after not seeing me for a few days

She showed you how to nurse, and for a while you were pretty good at it.

Ruby was a little nervous around you at first, but then fell madly in love with you. Oh my she is so in love with you. 

After a couple of days, your bilirubin levels rose, and you needed to sleep on a special blanket to bring your levels down. It was only two days that you were on the bilirubin express, blue light special train, the electric boogalo, but you looked cool while you were there, and we were so happy to get you off of it so we could hold you more. 

This was our palace, as far as NICUs go, its amazing.

 

You looked SO tiny in your daddy's hands. Well, you were tiny. 

Nana was the first to hold you besides Daddy and I 

 

 

Ruby like to say your name and tell you all about her days at school

Lucy just wanted to steal your mimis (pacifiers) and kiss you.

I believe this is the last time Lucy ever nursed, she just needed one last 'taste' of Mabel's nanas. She sure does love you a lot to give up the milk for you. (For the record, she didn't have to give them up, she decided on her own that you didn't have to share with her, that they were all for you. She's quite a kid, that Lucy)

And she's so in love with you. 

Lucy and Ruby both finally got to hold you.

To say they were smitten is a bit of an understatement. 

Ruby discovered the joy of smelling a new baby's head.

family picture inthe NICU!

Some days called for a little drama. 

We had a favorite nurse. (well they were all our favorites, because they were all amazing, but Nicole was so fun, and was totally smitten with you, and your sisters.

Your coming home blanket

And your coming home sweater/hat that I made while on bed rest trying to keep you safe.

Our first night home  your sisters insisted that we all snuggle together. My heart has never been so happy. 

Lucy wants to hold you every day. 

As does Ruby, they often fight over you. 

You came to work with me one day (no I'm not back to work, just had to open the mail)

And we do a lot of kangaroo care. You love it, as do I.

It's also great for my milk supply. You received donor milk for 5 days in the NICU while I pumped round the clock trying to get my supply up, then we did a combination of nursing, nasal gavage, and bottles for 2 weeks until you could take all your feedings by mouth. THEN once we got home we pumped, nursed and bottle fed until one day we decided to just go for it and ditch the bottles. They told me that almost all babies are 100% on the breast by their due date (12/26 for you) and most are by 38 weeks gestation. You, my darling did it at 37w2days. LIKE A BOSS. 

I'm still pumping, and putting milk in the freezer, because someday I will have to go back to work and you'll be with a nanny (and Lucy, obviously) and I have decided that I want to pump extra milk to donate, because I need to pay it forward. 

 

 

 

Oh my sweet Mabel, you were such a surprise in so many ways. We hadn't ever *planned* on having 3 kids, but once Ruby and Lucy fell in love with each other, and we had frozen embryos we decded to go for it. And BOOM, it happened, faster and easier than any of my other pregnancies. It was the easiest pregnancy ever (other than bleeding off and on throughout my first and second trimesters, and a big scare with some testing that proved to be nothing) I had no morning sickness, no physical discomfort, minimal heartburn... it was a piece of cake untill 33 weeks when you tried to bust out early. You were also a double footling breech, (which means you were trying to come out foot first) so you were in a pretty bad postion. 

It took us 5 days to name you, mainly because we were just so surprised that you were here, and just so thankful that you were healthy and beautiful and thriving. But once we did name you, you weren't just Mabel June, you were MIGHTY MABEL, because you may be small, but oh my, you are mighty. 

 

My sweet girl, my surprise (as surprised as one can be when you do IVF) baby, my lucky star, my last chance, you are proving to really make us into Parents with a capital P. (as if having two other kids, one with autism didn't do that). In your short month here you have put us through some serious paces, and yet you are so at ease in the world, you are so calm, hardly crying (unless you are getting your diaper changed), and generally pretty happy. For a preemie, you are amazing, and really cute, I might add. 

 

You have given me so much in your short time. Your birth, and the moments following it gave me something I never thought I would ever have, that sacred entry in to motherhood. Our time in the NICU gave me so much confidence and strength (along with some anxiety, fear and trauma, but that's another blog post) and it also gave me so much gratitude for your health and the skills of the nurses and doctors. You have given your sisters so much joy, and calm as they are learning how to be big sisters (well again, for ruby) and how to help and to be gentle with your tiny body. Having to pump in the NICU and building up a solid milk supply has healed the sadness i had with Lucy when my supply wasn't enough for her and i had so much stress trying to bring it back, being able to donate to other babies is so rewarding. 

 

My Mighty Mabel, you are such a tiny package of joy and sweetness. You are melting hearts and building bridges and you're not even supposed to be out of the womb yet. I have no doubt that as my last child birthed from my body, you're going to rock my world and shake our family up. I cannot believe you are here already, and that you are already so amazing. 

 

All my love, Mama