Mamazen

69 months

My dear sweet Ruby, 

It's been a while since I wrote you a letter, 6 months to be exact. But, we've been busy, and well, I forgot. So much has happened, SO MUCH. Frankly, as per usual, you've blown our minds with what you've done and how you've grown. Kindergarden has proven to be so much fun for you, you've made friends, you're working hard on communicating and interacting with them. You've been hugely successful with potty at school, tho we're still working on getting poops in the toilet, and we're all doing our best to be patient with you as you learn how to do this and communicate your needs to us. 

At school you're progressing well on all of your goals, not blowing through them, but slowly working on each one. I'm not sure you'll reach all of them, but you're trying, and we're so proud of you. Your language is progressing with leaps and bounds, your conversational skills surprise me every day. You'd think that I would be used to these surprises by now, but I never am, they always blow me away. 

You've been having sleep troubles off and on again but the awesome thing is that you're sleeping in your own room! We moved your bed into your Lorax room shortly before Christmas, and surprisingly it was an pretty easy transition... well the going to bed part was. Every night you're happy as can be to run into your room after your shower and hop into bed and to let one of us read books to you and snuggle you till  you fall asleep. However you've only had a night or two that you slept all night alone in there, and after a month and half of your daddy and I taking turns sleeping in your twin bed we finally decided to just put a twin mattress on the floor of your room so we'd have a comfortable place to sleep. I figure all of your sleep transitions have been difficult and have taken a long time so this one probably will be too but we might as well get as much rest as possible during it. 

Your daddy is doing all the nght duty because I realized I just needed more sleep... because you're going to be a big sister! It's still very abstract for you, but I think you're starting to get it. Every night when I do bedtime you like to rest your head on my belly and say "good night! sweet dreams baby!" We listen to the heartbeat with a doppler and you will sometimes get a HUGE smile on your face when we hear that sweet galloping sound that is your little brother or sister. I can't wait till you can feel the kicks and rolls as he or she grows bigger in my belly, and I really can't wait to see how you grow and mature when he or she arrives. 

My dear, amazing Ruby, I can't believe you're closer to six than you are to five. Every day you amaze me, and every day I'm grateful to be your mother. Every day you shake me to my core, empty me out and fill me up again. Every day, you show me thing I didn't know existed in the world around me, and in the world within me. 

I love you, I love you, I love you. 

xoxo Mama

Oh Hai!

No, I'm not dead. I'm still here, still have plenty of things to say, I'm just... pregnant.

At first I couldn't write here because it wasn't public and it was too hard to find things to write about when every waking minute my brain was thinking "OMFG FINALLY I'M PREGNANT WITH A VIABLE BABY!" and then when I went public my desire to write just went... bleh.  But, it's 3 months since I last posted so I figured I owed you (my loyal 4 readers) some words about how I got here.

Well as most of you know, it hasn't been easy, painless or remotely cheap. Long story short, three fresh embryo transfers, three frozen, thousands of needles in my ass and belly, two miscarriages, and countless tears... and I'm back, finally, hopeful we will complete our family and that Ruby will have the joy of being a big sister. 

In more detail... Ruby was our first lucky IVF after seven IUIs and we had six frozen embryos in which to make her a sibling. Cue 2009, the year that shall not be named, wherein we did our first frozen transfer, got pregnant, had a miscarriage. Did a second transfer, got bubkiss and then manned up and did a full fresh cycle in the hopes that my 34 year old body could do it, why not my 38 year old body? Um. No. do not pass go, do not collect $200, do not do anything but cry your eyes out and be thankful for the tax return next year because you spent $20K out of pocket in medical expenses. 

We threw in the towel. Gave up. Let it all go. I gave away all baby things, all the cloth diapers, maternity clothes, everything. I just wanted out of my house. I was not in a good place. 2010 came and went, with little talk of trying again, till right around my birthday when I decided maybe we'd give it another shot.  We drew our line in the sand and I hopped back into the stirrups with my cautious but happy ass in the air. 2011 we got back to business in earnest, had some long tearful discussions with our Doc and made decisions that included crossing many of our previously drawn line in the proverbial sand and spending a LOT of money. 

For my 40th birthday I was finally pregnant. Pregnant, but knowing that it probably wasn't viable. Let's just say, that my decision to be done trying at 40 was shot. Especially since we were lucky enough to have embryos in the freezer after this magical cycle. As devastating as that loss was, I knew we had another chance. The week before our Decmber 1 frozen embryo transfer, I counted and had 1015 paper cranes hanging over my bed. One Thousand Fifteen. 

And then, as luck, science, magic and faith collided, it worked. I was elated and terrified at every turn. When my beta levels didn't rise as perfectly as they should and Dr. M wanted me to come back for not two or three but FOUR return checks, my heart was nervous and anxious and fearful. Finally one glorious winter day, nestled between Christmas and New Years, we had an ultrasound that showed a perfectly beating heart within a perfectly growing embryo. Folks, we have a winner.

We inched forward, day by day, week by week, and right before we should be released from our infertility specialists care into the loving hands of our low intervention, low risk midwife... there was blood. Not enough to send me into a complete panic, but enough to get my attention. It was too soon to hear a heartbeat on the doppler with our midwife, so when there was blood again the next day, we called Dr. M's office and they rushed us in for a quick peek. Ryan wasn't able to be there, but I had two awesome friends by my side and we were all elated to see that perfect little person still wiggling away. I had a small and resolving subchorionic hematoma that thankfully hasn't given me any more grief, but it hasn't left me with a sense of calm or ease either. 

At 16 weeks my chances of losing this pregnancy are 1%. Those are pretty good odds, and I'll take them anyday over where we've been, since my chances of actually getting pregnant in the first place were around that, I'm thinking we have pretty magical luck working on our side this time. But when a friend offered me a doppler to use at home, it only took me an hour to say yes, and the next day I picked it up, and every night, we're happy to hear that horse galloping sound that reminds me that, Yes Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus. 

So here we are. Thankful, cautiously optimistic, and surprisingly planning for the future.