Mamazen

59 months

My dear sweet Ruby,

Last week you turned 59 months old (and yes I'm late again). It's been a bit of a rough month, your daddy hasn't been feeling great, not getting enough sleep and just generally feeling run down, so we've all been a bit challenged to keep things running as usual. Your sleep hit the skids again and now you're having awake nights once or twice a week. It's not the worst, but we're still tired and sometimes a little short with each other. Every month these letter keep getting later and later, so i'm thinking next month might be my last. You'll be 5 years old and 60 monthly love letters are pretty rad. So I'm thinking after next months I might just switch to writing random letters to you, about you. I hope that's ok. 

This month has been one for jumping in puddles, peering through holes in fences (and throwing things over them) and exploring what's under big rocks.

It's been one of snuggles and shouts of "Come 'ere, you wanna snuggle?" 
Yes my sweet girl, the answer is always YES. 

It's been time for zoo trips on sunny (and not so sunny) days.

Where you tried to become a lion tamer,

Or lion dentist, I'm not sure. 

You also fell in love with the penguins and we spent quite a long time watching them dive and swim.

It's been a month of fresh cut grass to run your toes through

And a long weekend visit to Nana and Grandpa's where you dragged them down to the river to show them how you throw rocks in. You are the best at it, after all.

Sometimes I'm not sure if you can be any cuter.

You also took a trip to an awesome playground in Eugene, where you climbed on the back of a whale.

and showed it who was boss.

And you had a good swing (or three) with Grandpa.

You also have completely blown my mind this month by not only learning the letters of your name and shouting "R-U-B-Y Ruby!" but also tracing the letters and calling them out while you do it. 

Seriously amazing sweet girl.I could watch you do this all day (and somedays I do)

You've also taken your coloring to a different level. You like ink pens, and dark colors only please. You're also really into shading things in, and coloring the same item on each page (in a themed book)so that everyone has matching  hats, or all the beds look similar. It's really awesome to watch your brain do what it does. 

In some ways its also been a tough month. The sleep deprivation, the crabbiness and some whopper tantrums. Try as we might, we all have bad days and sometimes I'm not the best mama in the world, but I try my best to make sure you know I love you more than anything no matter how crabby I am. 

 

At the end of the day, no matter how bad it's been, there you are, snuggled up in your bed, inches from me. I know that every night at some point I'll feel your sleepy body crawl into my bed and you'll press your head against mine (stealing my pillow and hogging the blankets) and wrap your arms around me and I know you love me too. At the end of the day, there is always love. 

I can't believe you're going to be FIVE. How did that happen? Just 5 minutes ago you were still a dream not yet realized and now you're FIVE? Sometime I just can't believe it's true, but then I see you across the room and it is. You're a kid  you're MY kid, and you're awesome. 

I love you, always, forever, and then some. 

Mama.

 

Hell hath frozen over.

Recently I started running. Yes. Me. A runner.

I know, it's weird. Trust me It's really weird. I NEVER thought I'd want to run anywhere that wasn't away from vampires or bears. I always scoffed at people who were runners, joking that it was good for business and they should keep on running but that they were fools and it was a boring way to exercise. And then I started running. 

It wasn't like I really put much thought into it. Well, that's not entirely true. A while back I decided to reconnect with my body by doing yoga every day for 40 days... but I'm gonna be honest and tell you that didn't happen. But still, the intent to get in touch with my body and give it some healthy attention was there. So, a few weeks ago, everyone I knew was posting about running and the couch to 5 K program and yada yada yada... I downloaded the app for my phone and read it over. Walk for 5 minutes, run for 60 seconds, walk for 90 ... and I thought, I can do this.

The next morning, I put on my shoes and I hit the road. And it was fun. Fun. FUN? none of my runner friends ever said it was fun. Pandora with a good beat in my head and it was fun. Two days later I did it again, alternating yoga on the days I wasn't running. I started waking up thinking "I get to run today". A week later, I bought new shoes and started the program from day one to get used to the new minimalist shoes. 

Today I ran a second day in a row, because even though my plan was to run every other day and alternate with yoga, I have a yoga class tomorrow and I really wanted to get out tonight. This week is week 2 C25K so it's run for 90 seconds walk for 2 minutes. Halfway through the 30 minute program I just kept going, running straight through the walk and into the next run. I ran for 5 minutes straight. And it felt fucking fantastic. 

I just had a moment where I thought ... If I can do *this* then I can do *anything*.

And that, my friends in the computer, is why I started running. Because I never thought I could, or would and I can. If I can do this, then I CAN get pregnant again. And if I can get pregnant again, then I can have a VBAC. You see, it's not just about this step, it's the end game. I'm a couple of months away from doing this cycle yet, but my plan was to get my anxiety under control (anxiety? what anxiety, I haven't seen that bitch in a month), to exercise regularly, and just feel good, calm, relaxed, ready. 

Because if I can do THIS. I can do ANYTHING.

Hope, renewed.

Last summer I wrote a post about some azalea plants in our yard (go ahead, read it, I'll wait). 

I got an email from the universe this week that said:

For the one who continues, Korin, failure becomes impossible. 

Hope? Yeah, I've got it. 

Happenstance

Today we went for a soak at the kennedy school soaking pool. Ruby loves it there. We met up with friends and had a lovely time. When it was time to get changed, something fell out of the cubby where I'd stuffed our clothes and shoes. 

One, tiny paper crane folded haphazardly from a post it note. Perhaps someone folded it during a boring seminar to pass the time. Perhaps it fell out of their bag when they were out for a soak. Perhaps, just perhaps, they placed it there for someone to find it in a moment of happenstance. 

Giddy up. Mama's getting back up on the horse. 

58 months

My dear sweet Ruby,

Last week you turned 58 months, but I got SICK and kept putting off writing your letter, so this one may be a little short.

This month has been a good one. You've really been exploring the outdoors as spring is *finally* upon us.

We've been taking you on regular hikes to Oaks Bottom Nature preserve, where you love to throw rocks in the pond

hike down the trail, calling out to all the animals and trees,

sit by the pond and ponder ...

sit in the grass and ponder...

and maybe ponder some more.

One day on one of our hikes you had quite possibly the worst autistic meltdown I've ever seen (for you). When it was time to head back to the car, we decided to do a loop, not turn back and you completely panicked and completely lost your little mind. It was all I could do to carry your crying/screaming/writhing body out of there. Fortunately we were with friends who were kind and understanding and very helpful. Afterward we all got ice cream and felt much better.

It was quite educational (and exhausting) for me to see you fall apart, and to later realize what had done it and hope that next time I can avoid it, or help you navigate it better. It's not always easy being a mama, but it's always a learning experience.

You've been exploring more sensory play around the house lately too. Lots of time in your swing, asking for it when you need a break (or sometimes to avoid bedtime). You recently climbed inside the bean box and felt the wonders of being surrounded by cool cool beans. I think it'll be a fave over the summer!

You've also been helping me in the kitchen, especially when we bake cookies. You like to test the batter and tell me it's "DELICIOUS!" and pour the chocolate chips. You also like to turn the mixer on when I'm not ready and sometimes that makes a huge mess, but that's ok, I'm good at cleaning messes.

You've also been helping in the yard! You helped pull weeds one day, and helped look for worms. You also really wanted to help shovel dirt, but it was a bit bigger than you.

I am hesitant to say it out loud, but you've been sleeping great. We started doing Qi Gong massage on you (a program just for kids with autism) and since we started you've slept almost every night straight through. You've had a few rough nights, but over all, you're rocking the bedroom. Silently. All. Night. Long. (and now I assume the streak will end)

My dear sweet Ruby. Once again you never cease to amaze me. You have been such a love lately, smothering those you love with hugs and kisses and abundant sweetness. You love to get our faces so close together that my eyelashes tickle yours and it sends you into fits of giggles.  Sometimes I feel so very lucky that you chose me to be your mama, but then I remember that I chose you too and we couldn't be more perfectly matched.

You've taught me that I have more patience then I ever imagined, that I can survive without sleep, and that I actually can listen to the same song for an hour and not lose my mind. I've taught you how to search for worms, how to sing "Blackbird" by the Beatles and how to make chocolate chip cookies. And we've taught each other that love knows no boundaries, it still works if you can say it or not, and it can move mountains.

Last night as we got home late from your Nana's 65th birthday party and got you into bed much later than usual, you called out "Good night! I love you, Daddy!" and I thought for sure my heart would burst with the sweetness, but it didn't and I lived another day to be your mama and have my heart filled again and again with your perfection.

Till tomorow and tomorrow and tomorrow, Mama.