Mamazen

Dear 2010

Dear 2010, 

Thanks for nothing. I mean, I didn't ask for much, just that you didn't kick my ass as hard as the year that shall not be named. Well, you did that, in a way. You didn't suck nearly as much as your mean little sister, but you sure as hell didn't rock my world with any sweet surprises.

In some ways it feels like you were the year of sickness. Colds that turned into pneumonia, UTI, cellulitis (on my effing face!), a plethora of viruses for the kid, and even a sick husband (who has the immune system of an ox) a couple of times. You're leaving us with a week of head colds and a mild double ear infection and more snot than I'd like to wipe, thankyouverymuch. Hopefully your big brother 2011 will be the year of strong immune systems.

Fertility wise, you didn't devastate me nearly as much as your mean un-named-bitch-of-a-year-sister, but I as I draw ever closer to my 40th birthday, my personal window on trying to conceive is closing. After several months off, we were back at it, only with a twist. Simple. We went back to infertility basics choosing to do medicated IUIs with little chance of success. Well, we had little (ie:no) success. The year is closing as I wait one last time to see if we succeeded, so throw me a bone, twenty ten. please.  After this cycle I may be hanging my ovaries up for good, or we may throw one last pity party in my underpants and try a mini ivf before putting this old girl out to pasture. Yeah. big big big decisions. Infertility and treatment have been such a prominent part of my life for so many years that I almost don't know what life would be like without it. So let's see if you can make that a little easier for me, no? I'll give you a dollar and speak kindly of you to my friends, promise. 

You did bring Ruby some lovely leaps this year, 2010. Nothing earth shattering or mind blowing (other than a couple of pees in the potty and one poop, last week!) but a lot of nice steady progress. She's doing well in school and we're looking forward to getting back to the routine  next week. This year also brought me more peace about her autism, more questions about how to proceed, more support in many different venues, and some healing from the grief that surrounds raising a child with special needs. I have no doubt that there will be more grief to process, but in many ways I was able to step up to the plate with some grace and power. I'm really hoping your older brother 2011 will bring more of that, with some profound shifts for us all. 

In closing, thanks for not sucking total ass. You've got 12 hours to rock my world. Bring it.

xoxo K

day 16. Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Well, I bet you think I'm going to say 'autism', don't you. But no, I'm not. If I remove autism from my life, I will also be removing at least one person I'd rather not exist without. So as much challenge as autism brings to my life, my heart, and my sleep schedule, I wouldn't kick it to the curb. 

I could, however, live without some of the more painful and exhausting parts of Ruby's autistic challenges. Our lives would be much more restful and productive if sleep were more predictable. I could go into the deep and dirty, dark and ugly about how challenging sleep is in our house, but... let's just say I see the wee hours of the night/morning more often than I'd like. It's better than it was a year ago, but still difficult. 

If Ruby could communicate, just a wee bit more, it sure would make our lives easier. As evidenced by last night's 2 hour screaming/crying/raging fit over painful ear. It took a full 3 hours for us to figure out what hurt, get her to take some homeopathic meds and finally fall back to sleep. Seriously, heart wrenching for the parents. Ruby has such interest in playing with her peers, interacting with those around her, but communication make it so challenging. If I could unlock that just a little bit more...

So yeah, there are things I could live with out. I could live without the 3 hours of raging fits she had due to pain and frustration. I could do without hearing my girl cry "all done all done all done, i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok" when she is clearly NOT ok. I could do without being awake from 3-5:30 am on any given day. 

But, hey, it could be worse, right? 

day 15. Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it

Another one that I can't honestly relate to. I've had food allergies my whole life. I know all about living without and not being miserable. Don't get me wrong, there are times I smell chocolate and want to weep in a corner, but I can live without it. 

I could say that I can't live without Ruby, but since I haven't tried, and don't plan on it well, it doesn't fit this question does it. Life before Ruby was not a miserable existence. I had moments (days, weeks, years) of abject misery, wondering if I would ever experience motherhood but it was a pretty decent life. If she were to disappear from my life NOW, well... quite frankly I can't even fathom that, much less type it. But I would keep living. My heart would be broken, but i would keep living. 

 

day 14. A hero that has let you down

Hero. huh? I don't really have heros. I mean, there are people I admire, people I look up to, people I respect, but no one I idolize. None of those people are perfect, so I don't think any of them have let me down.

I let myself down on a regular basis, but that is why I'm in therapy, no?

54 months

My dear, sweet, amazing Ruby,

Today you are 54 months old. Four and a half. One day closer to FIVE. Do you have any idea how crazy this is to me? that I am the mother of an almost 5 year old? To be truthful, the fact that I am someone's mother is still sometimes a shock to me, but the fact that I am YOUR mother is something that has always been and always shall be. You are exactly who I expected, and a complete surprise all at the same time.

It's Christmas time and you are little by little, getting it. You love the Grinch with your whole Ruby heart, and sing the Who Christmas Song with such gusto that I think my heart grows three sizes each time I hear it. You stood in the window and sang "heart to heart and hand in hand" as your daddy strung christmas lights outside. I thought I might burst. I don't think you understand the concept of santa and gifts and the magic of it all, but you sure to understand the concept of loving and giving love. I don't know if you'll ever experience Christmas like your peers, but then again, they will never have any idea of the magic that lives inside you.

You're on winter break from both of your schools and we decided that I'd take off from work and we'd spend time trying to get you on the potty. Today I worked a half day as MVCS was open for parents who needed to work, and this afternoon you spend your 3rd day in under pants, running to the potty every 30-45 minutes. Sometimes you didn't want to, so we didn't but most times you were happy to sit and count to five, or sing a song with me, or look at ispy cards. After several hours you hadn't peed (the previous 2 days you'd pee randomly throughout the house shortly after sitting on the toilet) and I worried that you were holding back cause you were scared or anxious. You started acting like you had to pee, doing that dance, and pulling at your underpants. I grabbed my iPhone and set you up on the potty with some of your favorite short videos, but to no avail. You'd tell me all done, and we'd put your panties back on and you'd go right back to looking uncomfortable. So we'd try and try again, with no luck. Finally you let loose while we were coloring by the heat vent, and we rushed to the toilet just a moment too late. So I cleaned you up after we sat for a few minutes on the potty and then we went about our way making pizza for dinner. And then while eating your favorite pizza, you stood up, and looked anxious and pulled at your undies and off we rushed to the potty. You sat there for a brief moment looking slightly distressed and then...

You did it. YOU peed in the potty. You heard the tinkle tinkle as it hit the water and you looked straight into my eyes with wonder, with joy, with WOW! I thought I might cry, but I didn't (it was a close call though). You did it. You used the potty! Tomorrow we'll be at it again, trying trying trying so that you learn to listen to your body and know when you need to use the potty. I'll be by your side helping you figure it out, and you'll have accidents and we'll clean them up, but Ruby, you're growing up! you did it!  I'm so happy for you that you've reached this point, that we're doing this together, I'm so proud of us. 

My dear sweet Ruby, I can't believe you're four and a half. I can't believe it, and yet it is so. You are the child that changed my world, the shining light that showed the way. You are my joy, you are my joy, you are my joy on Christmas day. 

All of my love, honor and respect, Mama.

 

day 13. a band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days

Oh hands down, this is an easy answer. The Indigo Girls. 

I vividly remember the first time I ever heard their dulcet tones crooning to me from MTV (back when it actually was MUSIC television). I was in the kitchen, face in the fridge when I heard this:

 

Darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

I was stunned into silence as I watched these boyish girls sing to my soul and crack it open in a way no song ever had before. I stopped what I was doing and drove straight to Wherehouse and bought the tape (yes, I'm old, this was long before CDs and shortly after vinyl). I drove around in my Yugo (yes, you can laugh) and listened to it till I knew the word to every song, crying over so many of them. How could these women who didn't know me KNOW me?  Folk music has always spoken to me, as I grew up listening to Peter Paul and Mary, and Simon & Garfunkel. But this... this music was me. 

I think I saw them live 10 times before I had a kid and ran out of time and money to see every concert I wanted to. I own all of their albums (are they still called that?) in one form or another, some on CD, some digital, some on tape. For every major moment of my life, one of their songs has spoken to me, supported me, held my hand through some tough ass days. I wish I could tell you about all of them, I wish I could tell you how some days I need to hear a certain song for fear my heart might wither.

Songs that helped me heal broken hearts, songs that made me want to kiss the one I loved with passion that was unending, songs that I'd sing from the top of my lungs while rocketing down the freeway on the road to the man who would become my husband, songs that got me through the dark days of infertility, songs that pulled me back from the brink of despair when I was unsure if I would ever be a mother, songs that then buoyed my soul when I was finally on the road to motherhood, but fearful of the unknown, songs that I sang through her long long long labor, when singing was the only way to survive the contractions,  songs that have held me close during the hard days of mothering a child with autism, songs that were a balm to my broken heart after loss and subsequent failure to conceive a second (third) time, and now songs that I play for my music loving 4 year old and hope that she loves them too. 

So, yeah, this was an easy one. My heart belongs to the Girls.