Mamazen

day 12. Something you never get complimented on.

This is a weird one. I feel like no matter what I say, I'll get 10 replies saying "oh you have a beautiful blah blah blah" or "I really respect your so and so". But I'll try anyway. 

Well I never get compliments on my ability to eat whatever I want. Allergies make me a food freak and most people pity me and act like I must have a miserable life because I can't eat a (very long) list of things. Um, no. Actually, as long as I'm cooking I can eat fantastic and delicious food. If I have to go out, or someone else cooks... well it gets challenging. 

On that note, I have rarely been complimented for having beautiful skin. It's always in one state or another of total disrepair. What you see on the outside may look fine, but under my clothes I may be a mass of red itching horror. Yes, go ahead, laugh, that was supposed to be funny. I'd say 85% of the time at least 50% of my body is itchy. Does that sound irritating and  annoying? well yeah it is. And that's why I won't eat your muffin.

I know you're laughing now, and if you're not, well then you're clearly more mature than I am. 

day 11. Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

I'm one of those people who sucks at taking compliments. However I do get compliments on my cooking and baking. I'm no chef. I don't make fancy food. I make good, yummy, wholesome food that you want to eat, and then come back for a second helping. I sometimes follow recipes, and sometimes just wing it. Sometimes my food fails, both from recipes and from trying new things. But mostly, I am a good cook.

The other thing that I get compliments on often is my writing. (this post excluded) Sometimes I really have a way with words. There are days I finish writing something and feel very proud of how it turned out, other days (like today) that it's just an exercise in getting something done. NaBloPoMo has the ability to make me write post that are equally amazing, and total crap. But when it's good, it's good.

there are other things people compliment me on, but since I don't always agree with them... I will let that be. (and that, my friends is one of the MANY reasons I'm in therapy.)

A trip down memory lane. For better or for worse.

Today we went to a friend's baby's first birthday party. Oh the Lovely Luna. What a sweet girl, full of smiles, giggles, drool and magic. While she was delicately deciding how to devour her gorgeous birthday cake, I reminisced about Ruby's first birthday party.

It was a warm June day, and the back yard was filled with friends. We'd decided on a 'Hawaii' theme only because I had Luau themed plates left over from Ryan's 30th (Get Laid 30 times) birthday party. It was loosely a theme because it was all about the food.  I made shredded pork sandwiches, hawaiian mac salad, coconut and pineapple cupcakes.

Ruby stood unassisted for the first time whilst wearing the sweetest Hawaiian dress that I'd randomly found at a thrift shop, and it fit her perfectly.

There was so much joy, and wonder and promise. I thought of that today while watching Luna eat her cake and then had a huge sigh and was reminded that it was within the next year that we saw things start to change. Around the time she turned 2 there were some very slight signs that something wasn't progressing as normal.   It wasn't until Ruby was 2.5 that I started tossing the word 'autism' around in my head, and not until 3 that I could discuss it out loud with anyone. 

There is quite a dichotomy of emotion, going back and looking through those pictures, because I also scrolled through pictures and videos of Ruby at 2 and 2.5. She was (and is) so sweet and loving and so damn cute. Her light was (and is) so bright.  Part of me wants to smack the arrogant parent I was, thinking I knew where things were going. Part of me wants to pick up that small girl and nurse her one more time. Part of me wants to cut her mullet.  Looking back at Ruby at 2, there are many things she did, that she can't do now. The way the played with a toy, the way she responded to requests, or conversation. Looking back at Ruby at 2.5, there are many, many, many ways she is still the same. She's 4.5. Don't get me wrong, her progress has been outstanding in the past year + since we've started speech therapy and since we started learning how to help her learn and communicate. But, oh how it makes my heart ache to think on it. 

Almost skipped a day

Saw Harry Potter. So. Good. Must read book 7 again. Hell, might as well read them all, or at least listen to them. Good thing I've got several knitting projects queued up!

day 10. Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.

Truthfully, I don't have an answer to this one. At this point in my life, if I need to let go of someone, I just do. It's not always dramatic with horrific truth telling and end of friendship drama. Sometimes I just realize that a friendship no longer serves me and I slowly back away. Sometimes I wake up and realize that not only does a friendship not serve me, but that the other person is actively sabotaging me and I need to get the hell out of there. Sometimes those unhealthy friendships just fizzle, only to reignite later (sometimes that's good, sometimes it's NOT).  All in all, if you're in my life, I want you there. If not, well, I won't be returning your call anytime soon. 

Thanksgiving

Usually today is spent cooking ridiculous amounts of food and then eating ridiculous amounts of said food and then laying on the couch moaning about how you ate too much of the ridiculously good food. 

Not so much at our house this year. We had Celeste and Laurie and the boys over for dinner and are going to Eugene to see family tomorrow so I didn't want a fridge full of leftovers. I made a 8.5 lb turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, roasted sweet potatoes and beets and a green salad. I also made a peach/pear/pomegranate pie that is completely mind blowing. Celeste and Laurie took some stuff home (probably a full meal for the two of them) and I took a plate to a friend who wasn't feeling well, and that's it.  I started cooking at 10 am, and everything was done by 2:30. 

It was kind of nice not to have a mass of gluttony. Don't get me wrong, I love me some gluttony. But it was nice not to spend 3 days preparing and 13 hours on my feet today. 

Another American 'tradition' I won't be participating in 'black friday'. I'm not a fan of malls and shopping on the best day when there is no one around and the stores are quiet. Going shopping tomorrow? Oh. Hell. No. Those of you that do shop on black friday, good luck and godspeed. I'll be driving to my nieces house and indulging myself on tons of food someone else has prepared. :)

day 09. Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Michelle and I met in junior high. I can't for the life of me remember how, when or what, just that once we were friends, we were FRIENDS. We were different in many ways, but somehow we connected on a very deep level (for 13 year olds) and we forged what would become a life long friendship. We had ups and downs some of them horrible teen age drama, some of them silly girl crap, but we would always come back to each other. 

After high school we chose different directions but still maintained some contact. I vividly remember a very long conversation at the end of which she finally came out to me. I was the first person she chose to share this secret with, and I am honored that she trusted me. Then we didn't' talk. For years. We would have occasional emails, or calls, but we started drifting. 

I know this post is supposed to be about someone who did drift, and that is not the end of this story. The truth is, we could have completely drifted as we went about our lives, and this entry could be about how I wish I knew where she was, and if she was happy. But that is not how this story ends. 

A few years ago we reconnected. We started reading each others blogs. I cheered her on has she tried and succeeded in getting pregnant with quite possibly the worlds cutest redhead. We kept up with each other on facebook and started texting on a regular basis. We've made calls to each other in moments of intense need, when you need to hear a friends voice, when you need someone to make you laugh, or when you need someone to hear the truth that you can barely speak out loud.

Our reconnection has been amazing and has brought new and wonderful people into my life. Her wife Jen, has become my friend, and cheerleader. She sends me sweet notes and kind comments supporting me through the rigors of this round of infertility and is genuinely one awesome woman and a fantastic mother. Michelle introduced me to Kim a fellow infertility traveler who has become her closest friend and I soon realized I'd also found a friend. Kim is insightful, and honest and true, she's a wonderful mother and a fantastic writer. She checks in with me when she knows I'm having a rough day, and she laughs at my poorly timed jokes. 

Today I got a box in the mail. When I opened it, this is what I found:

One hundred paper cranes. ONE HUNDRED.

The accompanying letter talked about how much they all loved and supported Ryan (and Ruby) and I in our quest for another child. How the kids picked out the paper and how Jen can fold two at a time in half the time it takes someone to fold one. They said there will be more. I couldn't stop crying. 

This is why I would never let this friend drift too far from my life, my heart. Because she's the kind of woman who can help make 1000 paper cranes a reality. 

I love you Michelle. {and Jen, and Kim, and all the kids} Thank you for becoming my friend, for staying my friend, and for being the amazing person that you are. Our connection taught me how to be a friend, a true friend. How to be honest, and to love someone no matter what, and that we are never finished becoming who we are meant to be. I am so honored to be on this journey with you. 

Damn, this is funny.

As much as I'd like to regale you with tales of my day, what I did, what changed my life... I can't stop laughing at this site. Besides, what I did today is not of interest to you. Go read there and laugh till you cry. 

day 08. Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Hmmm. I don't think any human being has ever made my life hell. Sure, I've been treated like shit. I had a boyfriend who hit me (once, and only. once.). I had another who was a jerk and liked to pick arguments with me. I've had many friends treat me like crap, including a couple who chose to dump me viciously while I was pregnant. I've had friends who have lied to me, stolen from me, broken my heart, and then expected me to still be their friend. But none of these people have made my life hell. It's MY life. I can make it hell on my own thankyouverymuch. 

The first time around through infertility treatment was hell. Not knowing if I'd ever be a mother, sheer hell. I ran my own business, and a huge part of my practice is treating pregnant women and babies, so it was easy to spend those quiet moments reflecting on what I didn't have, what I might never have and what others seemed to get so easily. Watching friend after friend get pregnant, give birth and subsequently parent (sometimes in ways I never would imagine) their children was hell. Then, watching many of them have another child while I still waited for my  one?  Ugh. Hell. 

But then, then I won. I succeeded. And it was all worth it. 

Now I'm in it again, yet it's a different type of hell. It's not as precarious, I'm not wondering if I'll ever be a mother, just if I'll ever mother another child of my womb.  My heart aches, and breaks but it's continually filled up by the child that lives in  my arms, not just my imagination. Still, on the cusp of a new hope, I will string up some paper cranes, and hope for a wish fulfilled.  

53 Months

My Dear Amazing Ruby,

Yesterday you were 53 months old. Sometimes I wonder how long I'll keep writing these monthly letters. Will I stop when you're 5 and start kindergarten? I guess I'll stop when you stop doing things each month that are awesome... so never. 

This month we went to Maui again, and you had the time of your life. You swam in the ocean multiple times a day tried boogie boarding and loved body surfing. You dug holes and knocked down sandcastles and got buried in the sand. Yo expanded your vocabulary, stretched your sentences and blew my mind. You spent countless hours coloring, changing from scribbling all over the page to coloring in pictures. You also spent every morning wandering in the garden behind our condo exploring the corners and playing with the flowers. 

We had a wonderful vacation, and plan to do it again.  I doubt you'll complain, as you were so at home at the ocean.  Since we've been home, we're adjusting to the weather. We left and it was late summer, came back and we'd skipped most of fall and moved right into winter. It actually snowed today (just big fat wet flakes that ended up melting in the rain puddles) and it's predicted to snow tomorrow too.  We're preparing for two wonderful Thanksgiving dinners, but since you've gotten very picky about what you'll eat, I doubt you'll eat anything at either of them. After that we'll move right on to Christmas. You've never seemed to get it, or to care about the magic of Christmas, but I'll try again this year and hope that something clicks. 

Dear sweet Ruby, every day you grow more  and learn more. Every day you inspire me to work harder to be the best mama I can for you. Every day you show me new ways I can learn to communicate with you and experience your world. You are wonderful and magical and precious. And I'm so grateful I get to be your mama. 

All my love, Mama