Mamazen: day 05. Something I hope to do someday

*yes I'm on vacation. why am I blogging? well cause I got hit with some stomach bug, or motion sickness, or altitude sickness this afternoon while driving upcountry, and I need to distract myself from how yucky I feel.

When I first started thinking about this post I thought I'd write about how someday I hope to push a baby out of my vagina. (hows that for getting your attention?) I thought I'd write about how I yearned for another chance to have a home birth, feeling my baby slide out of me, into this world with little to no intervention. How I dream of pulling my newborn baby onto my chest and feeling them find their way to the breast. How the tide of emotion would rush over me, cracking my already wide open heart even bigger.

But that's not what I want to write about. We're on vacation. In Maui. For a glorious, relaxing 17 days. We've been here a week and still have a whole vacation ahead of us. Surprisingly, this trip is eons more relaxing than the one we took last winter. Maybe it's because we know the lay of the land, maybe it's because our condo has two floors instead of one and allows for more space and quiet. Maybe it's because we have had a full year of being autism parents and know what we're doing a bit more and our awesome kid has had a year to mature and gain more language. Whatever it is, it's the best vacation ever (even with me feeling sick today). We haven't eaten out much, or really done anything exciting. Each day pretty much consists of beach time, food, more beach time, drawing, reading,and probably a video. Ruby's grandma (Ryan's mom) is here with us, so we've had a couple of nights out, and night time walks on the beach.

The amazing thing is how Ruby has adapted to the new surroundings. She's a natural in the water, with almost no fear. She throws herself into the waves with wild abandon and can't seem to get enough time in the water and on the sand. Along with this increased bravery in the water, she's had a gigantic leap in language. Two weeks ago, when she wanted to hold your hand, she'd just shout "hand!" but now all of a sudden she'll say "gimme your hand" or "take my hand". Her use of pronouns has at least quadrupled. Her commenting on her surroundings, and recalling things we've done, places we've been and things she's seen. For parents of neurotypical 4 year olds, these things don't seem like a big deal, but for my kid hearing her say "I have to be careful so I don't fall down the stairs" is a HUGE. DEAL.

It's no secret we love the beach. They say that you are beach people or mountain people. I have to say, that I'm both, but in my heart of hearts, I belong at the ocean. I spent 6 years living on the edge of it in San Diego, and was never happier than when my apartment was 2 blocks from the beauty of sand and salt and waves and sunsets. As much as I love living in the city of Portland, I know that someday, my heart and my family belong on a warm tropical beach. With a little encouragement ruby would be surfing by the time she's 6 and I have no doubt fully conversing. Ryan would snorkel and scuba dive regularly and swim at sunset with our blossoming child. We are beach people for sure.

Someday I hope to live a simple life by the ocean, in a place we can grow our own food year round, and where the sun meets the surf and the sand. My back door will open up to the fading sun and my heart will open to the sounds of the ocean. I'll bake sweet breads filled with tropical fruits and watch my children brown in the midday sun. I'll see the beauty and power of the ocean heal my daughters challenges and my own broken pieces. And, just like Celeste, I want to write a book about it.