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October 16, 2010

Comments

Heather J

Oh honey, yes. You can and will find that place for yourself. You have gone above and beyond a million times over with her and for her, I know you'll find that place. And I have to be totally honest, I don't remember the first time I held either kid. I do remember the thousands of times after that, and what those all meant. Hugs, darlin.

Michelle

I can relate with this in some ways because of what I went through with Corey. I wish like hell you could get that moment back somehow. It seems like you've done everything within your power however, since that realization, to make sure you didnt miss or forget another memory or moment. I hope you can find a place within yourself to forgive you, because you deserve that peace. Love you a lot. xo

kris

yes, indeed you do need to forgive yourself. I am willing to bet that Ruby already has. You are a fantastic mother and I hold your image in my head often, when I am trying to decide how to handle my son. I think, how would Korin handle this. You are wonderful. Forgive yourself, my friend. Please.

lyla

wow korin, what an intense, amazing post. thank you for sharing that powerful story. <3

Jessica

I love you so much. You are so strong and your journey has been so hard. Your Ruby would never hold that against your for a moment. Now you let it go as pain and sadness, not empty heart. <3

Sarah Barker

I love you, friend. As Heather said, you'll find that place.

Sorry, derail: I didn't fight to see Samantha. I laid in my hospital bed for 8.5 hours after they took her to the NICU and feigned exhaustion because I just couldn't bring myself to go down and see her like that. I've gotten over thinking I caused her premature birth, but I can't get over not wanting to meet my kid. To this day, 4.5 years later, I don't feel like I know her. I love her and would jump in front of a bus to save her, or track her to the ends of the earth if I lost her, I'm just not bonded with her like I am with the rest of the kids (even my non-bio kids). If you ever wanna talk, I'm here. You're an amazing mom, and an incredible warrior for your daughter.

k

Oh Korin. Amazing post. And yes, you will find that place. I know that feeling of those first moments being remembered only through pictures.

I have no words of wisdom, just lots of hugs and understanding.

c

" Now you let it go as pain and sadness, not empty heart." I like how Jessica put this. These losses and wounds carry with us for so long sometimes. I wish you healing and peace with Ruby's birth. It won't change what happened, but you deserve peace. <3

korin

Oh Sarah, thank you for sharing your truth with me. <3 I love you.

Laura

Wow, I knew you had a homebirth that transferred to a c-section, but I never knew what happened. I can see why you wouldn't want to share. No woman should be held accountable by anyone, especially herself, for how the birth of her child happened. You may as well feel guilty for your eye color. You didn't chose it, it just happened. Nor should you feel responsible for, after all that, being unable to face your daughter immediately. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. You put up with some seriously fucked up shit (sorry, nature, it had to be said) and walked/rolled(?) away from it with a beautiful daughter who came from you and is forever linked with you in a very special way. <3 <3 <3

Princesspapercut

I'm sosososo sorry to hear about your experience during her birth. Birth outcomes are such a crapshoot. I've heard from some women who have had textbook deliveries share how rattled and traumatized they are by their experience, which I'll never understand. Coming home to a home birth that never happened left me feeling completely worthless and weak.

Castor oil did a number on my contractions, too. I drank it, my water broke, and then out of nowhere I thought I was in transition (at 4cm). 15 hours later, we transferred, Asa moved the wrong way (errr... up) the birth canal, and I told them to get him out. I learned I had an infection in my uterus after he came out. Jeremy brought him to me, but I was too freakin exhausted to take him in. So I slept. Throw in an antenatal mood disorder, which has contributed to bonding being a huge challenge, but we have other ways of connecting.

My lesson: forgive yourself after every thought that you didn't do or aren't doing enough. For whatever reason, everything is as it should be. It may take years to understand why, though.

I heard a story of a different birth outcome, one that could have happened to me, that helped me find closure with Asa's birth - it really rattled me. Hearing that story was such a gift; it gave me a sense of reconciliation about Asa's birth that I had been yearning for for ages. I hope something akin to that happens for you. It was nothing short of magic.

korin

Wow. what a story. <3 I'm so sorry that was your reality, and not the alternative story.
I am grateful that bonding wasn't affected by our birth. once I was conscious... there she was and we were one. the loss of time, moments or hours freaks me out tho and I wish i could get them back.
Oh, and I agree, coming home to a homebirth that never happened was horrible. stab me in the heart horrible.

rACH

this is SO huge. i think i finally forgave myself for my two c-section births, but it has taken TIME.

i LOVE your writing.

ADORE IT.

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