Mamazen

My daughter smells like sunshine and happiness

 

 

 

 

 

Today will go down in history...

as the day we bought a pool.

 

Things may never be the same again. 

 

Especially cause someone doesn't want to wear pants. 

Pool party dates will now commence. Bring your own beverage. :)
 
 

Apparently Saturdays aren't for blogging

It seems I rarely post much on saturdays. Why would I? Saturday is boring. Coffee, play outside in the dirt, more coffee, someone poops, more coffee. Then we eventually make a menu and grocery list and one or some or all of us go grocery shopping. Then there is probably more coffee. Sometimes we do something exciting like a birthday party, or meeting up with friends, but usually it's a bike ride and some bubble tea. Then some yard work or playing in the water or if it's too hot or too cold, a movie. Dinner is almost always Pizza and then it's off to bedtime. 

booooring. Oooh gotta go, my couch is calling. 

Wonder

I wonder what would happen if I could believe in the impossible every day.

I wonder who my daughter will be when she grows up.

I wonder what it would feel like to give up self criticism and guilt.

I wonder how the rest of our family will be built.

I wonder when or if Ruby will ask for a sibling.

I wonder if she'll ever learn to read.

I wonder if my daughter will ever fall in love or if someone will fall in love with her.

I wonder if some day I'll look back on this and laugh at how worried I was.

I wonder if some day I'll look back on this and think I didn't worry enough.

I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, trying hard enough, following the right path. 

I wonder if I'll ever have a day where I have enough patience, enough courage, enough creativity. 

 

I wonder so many things, but I do not wonder if I'll ever look back and think I didn't love her enough. 

Bleh

Tonight I opted for a silly rom-com intstead of blogging, as I'm at my parents house for a couple days respite. I should have chosen writing, because as could have been predicted the girl gets the boy and the movie ends with a burgeoning belly...just as i begin a new cycle on day 22.
Eff you ovaries, eff you.

Tired

I'm tired. I can't sleep. Insomnia sucks.

How I feel right now?

Truthfully, I'm wiped out from a post vacation meltdown day. Ruby was cantankerous from the moment we got out of bed, which was stupid early. My mom is visiting since ruby doesn't have school for the next two weeks so she kept her occupied for the afternoon, but every moment I was around ruby felt free to completely let her tantrumy hair down.
I know these days will happen, and that they won't last forever, but holy hell they sure do last long when you're in it.
She's currently asleep on my lap, which is a beautiful respite after too many later bedtimes and way too early wake ups. I think this calls for wine and knitting...

FOUR

My dear sweet Ruby,

Yesterday you turned FOUR. You are four years old. FOUR. How in the world does that happen? It honestly just seems like yesterday that we were oh so patiently awaiting your arrival, completely unaware of who you would become.

  

It seems like just yesterday that you were finally placed in my waiting arms for the first time and my heart broke into a thousand tiny pieces and was instantly melded into a completely new heart that I never knew could exist. 

 

Since that moment, the last 4 years have been mind blowing and challenging and healing and amazing. Even before you were conceived, you were forcing me to rethink my boundaries, my ideas, my plans. Then you arrived and have been on your own time line ever since. You do things on your terms, with your schedule. You are your own person, and have shown me how to be a more patient and compassionate person. I'm a better mother because you are my child, and a better person for loving you. 

Your birthday letter is a day late this year because we went to the beach to celebrate you, and didn't have great internet access, so I chose to just enjoy the moments and write about them later. We spent 4 days and 3 nights at Bella Beach, a place we've gone at least once a year since you were born, usually with friends or family. This house had a loft that you found to be perfect for snuggling and belly blowing and pretend tooting and hilarious laughing. We also had a hot tub (which was more warm than hot) that you took a swim in at least twice a day, sometimes for an hour at a time. You loved 'swimming' in this 'bathtub'  and started jumping in and allowing yourself to be fully submerged in an incredibly brave way. You've been adept at holding your breath for a long time, but this was something entirely different. It certainly made your daddy and I think about having a year round tub outside.

We took you to the Oregon Coast Aquarium, and had a lovely time, despite the fact that they wouldn't let you take your shoes off, or climb on the rocks that are clearly perfect height for climbing. You enjoyed having a conversation with some Jellyfish and were thrilled with the shark tunnel. (I'd post pictures, but none of them turned out). You also enjoyed a short time down on the beach, but it rained a lot, so most of our outside time was in the hot tub. We tried to take you to see Toy Story 3 (since 1 and 2 are two of your favorite movies) but you'd been up way too early that morning and you were really in a bad mood, so we opted for the short can nap and (sadly) the painful afternoon that followed. Thankfully another dip in the pool after some strawberry ice cream cheered you right up. 

You absolutely LOVE music and singing and especially everyone singing together, so you were overjoyed with us singing Happy Birthday to you. You loved it so much, we had to do it four times before we could cut the cake. A week ago you devoured some of this cake at your school picnic, but on your actual birthday you wanted nothing to do with it, and instead opted for more puffs and then half of a home made cheese pizza.

My dear amazing Ruby, I can't believe you've been my daughter for four years. It seems like forever and yet it seems like you just got here.  I am so grateful that you joined our family, that you made me a mother, and your father the amazing daddy that he is. I'm thankful for the joy you bring to my life, and also thankful for the way you challenge me to be present in every moment with you. 

Happy Happy Birthday my sweet girl. 

I just can't wait to see what happens next. 

All my love, Mama

Where you wish you were right now

Stolen

From my amazing friend Miriam. 

DARE

Today I am daring to believe that I am making the right choices for my child.

Today I am daring to see the triumphs more than the failures. 

Today I am daring to believe that I will mother another child.

Today I am daring to believe that in the end it will all truly be ok. 

Today I am daring to notice the sunshine more than the raindrops.

Today I am daring to allow the day unfold as lazily as it wants to, without judgement or pressure. 

Today I am daring to BE.