Mamazen

46 months

My Dear amazing Ruby,

Today you are 46 months old. Quite frankly, this month has been astounding. It seems like something just woke up in your language center and you haven't stopped talking. The sheer number of phrases you're repeating, adding and replying are mind boggling. Even your speech therapist is floored. 

 

You're using "I" statements all the time. "I'm foosty! (thirsty) I want water!" "I'm hungry! It's dinnertime!" "I went POTTY! YES!" (not in the toilet, but still, this is big!)

You're also telling much longer and intricate stories. After you went potty (in the back yard) you told me all about how potty goes in the toilet and then how you put on pants and wash your hands. Also many stories about birds, and water and swimming and the cats. 

You're singing along with many of your favorite songs, making up the words or just jumbling them together when you're not sure, but it sure is cute to hear you sing along with Kermit,  or Grover or the whole cast from Wicked. Oh, with a sense of humor like yours I'm sure you'll be Popular. 

Mik is your new buddy, he lets you rub his tummy (knead is more like it) and play with his ears and tail, and you're slowly learning how to be gentle and understand when he needs less or a break.

You're getting better about choosing different outcomes than you might have a while back. I love when you realize that it's just as easy to put your plate on the counter when you're done than toss it across the floor, and it's much easier for all of us! I love when you spill, and choose to help me clean up, singing your clean up song as you work. 

This has also been a month of spending a lot of time with your grand parents.

 

You love Grandpa's beard, and I'm pretty sure he loved having you twirl his mustache. 

 

Nana and Grandpa took you to an indoor playground and you climbed the clouds you so lovingly admire from below.
 

 

 

You spent lots of time loving on your Nana, laughing, singing and playing.

 

You notice so much of the world around you, so many things that the rest of us tend to pass by. You notice the clouds, and planes, and birds, and water sparkling in the sun. I love that you remind me to notice these things. 
 
 

You know how to find joy. You know how to laugh. You know how to live. You know how to truly feel the sun on your face. 

   

Grandma is visiting this week and you're having a great time showing her how to do things Ruby style. 

 

This month has been amazing ruby, the talking, the singing, the cooperation. You're really shifting into a new space and it's lovely to behold. I'm so very happy that I am lucky enough to be your mama and to be able to watch you grow and learn. Every day is a blessing, a joy, a challenge, a triumph. You remind me that baby steps matter, and are awesome, and that we should jump feet first into everything with JOY.

 

I love you, my sweet dirty footed, sweaty headed, silly song singing, blueberry eating monkey. 

All my love, Mama. 

Big grief

You never know when it's going to hit you, grief. You never know what small event, or comment, or random happening will shock you into feeling the ache of what was not to be. Sometimes the grief makes me want to crawl into a hole and weep until my eyes are aching and my heart is numb. Sometimes it makes me want to avoid human contact altogether. Sometimes it fills me with rage and envy. 

Sometimes, it reminds me that the only way out is through. 

Today it reminded me that I have to keep moving, keep trying, keep... something. Today I did not shed a tear, although my heart ached and envy rose high in my throat. Today I took a deep breath and realized that one way or another I WILL succeed. I will parent another child. I will. 

I don't know how, I don't know when, I don't know a lot of things. But I will not give up. I'm not walking away. I'm not throwing in the towel. This ship has not sailed. She's still got a little life left in her yet, folks. 

Strangely, today's grief also made me want to learn to play the guitar. Go figure. 

Big eggs

Well, really they were small eggs... but when you're 3 and a half, an egg with a jelly bean inside is HUGE.

 

And the jelly beans? awesome. 

  

Joy like this is bigger than you know. and hearing her talk about it? makes my heart swell!
 
  
 

Big note

Well, I'd love to blog tonight. I'd love to blog about the holistic practices in lactation seminar that I went to this week. I'd love to tell you all about how I'm inspired in a multitude of ways. I'd love to show you the list of books I'm ordering and the classes I'm planning on taking. 

BUT, I can't. I have to rewrite my notes. See, I'm a doctor and well, my hand writing sucks. Especially when I'm taking notes quickly. I remember vividly the day the doctor I was finishing my internship came to me, with a puzzled look on her face and said "Well you can graduate now, I can't read a word of this". ha ha ha. But truthfully, if I don't transcribe these notes right away, well I won't have any clue what they say in a week. 

so... later tater!

Big Blue

Today is April 2nd, 2010. Autism Awareness day, marked by wearing a blue shirt to promote understanding, respect and acceptance of those on the spectrum.

I donned my blue shirt this morning, and went update my facebook page. As I scrolled through the updates of the early morning, so many friends and loved ones had updated about wearing their blue shirt, some of them specifically naming my daughter and those on the spectrum that they love. I found myself overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude for the support and love to the point of tears. 

I imagined a sea of loving faces, with open arms welcoming Ruby and other kids on the spectrum into a world where they were understood and respected for their amazing talents. I imagined a world where there is less judgement when my child melts down at the coffee shop, or the library. I imagined a school system where Ruby and other kids with special needs are given the tools and guidance they need to achieve their highest potential. I imagined a workforce that provides support for autistics, and those with sensory integration problems, and a healthcare system that doesn't discriminate against the diagnosis of autism. I imagined a world where awareness isn't just a blue shirt one day of the year, but greater understanding every day, all year long. 

When I think about all those blue shirts today, I realize that what I imagine... can be and will be reality. 

BIG

Hi! I'm back :) well I'm going to try and be back to regular blogging... we'll see how it goes. 

The theme for April is BIG. 

I have to say, I'm not welcoming in April in a big way... ie. I've been benched. 10 days ago I woke up with some upper back/rib pain that radiated all the way down my right arm. I'm right handed, and I'm a chiropractor... so I kind of need my right arm. 

I iced, heated, got adjusted, got adjusted again, got some acupuncture, took some arnica, put some arnica on it, stretched, rolled on a tennis ball, got some massage, took some ibuprofen, took some more ibuprofen... and was still miserable. As a professional, I was stumped... and in a lot of pain. I realized that it was time for something stronger than ibuprofen. 

I made an appointment and had an MD write me a script for an anti-inflammatory a muscle relaxant. 2 days later, it's finally easing off, and it's clear that it's my rotator cuff that is inflamed and causing all this ruckus. Now that I can pinpoint where the problem is, I can get my health care team focused on it... and I can get back to work. 

This whole episode has been a huge lesson in compassion. I've had to give myself wide berth in things around the house, and had to cancel a full day of work due to the pain. I've also had to limit the work I did do so that I wouldn't further injure myself. I realized that part of my job is to sometimes tell people they need to suck it up and take meds, especially those of us who tend to try everything else first. 

Me? I'm happy to be feeling better!