Dear 2009

Dear 2009,

In a word? suck it. You have been the worst year ever. I'm glad you're done, cause you sucked. You started off with such potential, we had an FET planned for late January and I was for sure going to be pregnant and have a perfectly healthy baby by the end of you. Well, I got pregnant but then that didn't work out so well, did it? See? you suck. 

As devastating as that was, we had more frozen embryos, so we planned another FET and moved on. Spring arrived and along with planting a garden of tomatoes and zucchini, we thawed out two more freezer tots and hoped for the best. Oh no, you, 2009 decided to fuck that up too. They barely survived the thaw and obviously didn't decide to take up residence in my embryo eating uterus. Thanks for that, 2009, I really liked that part. 

So, summer began and we tried to figure out how to pay for a fresh IVF cycle. We scraped together money, were lent some, gifted some and magicked some out of thin air. Surely, it worked once before, it should work this time, right?  Surely, this time, this was what we needed, right? HA! again, you, 2009 threw a wrench in it. Not only did it not work, but apparently we not only have male factor infertility, we also have added some crappy ovaries to the mix. Not only did it not work, but we didn't even get any freezer tots out of the deal. $15K for nothing? Oh, I had a good cry, but that's not worth $15K now is it? I can rent Steel Magnolias for $3.50. 

At the same time all of this was happening, I started noticing my sweet girl was clearly not progressing like her peers. She had some language delays and some intense tantrums. We called in some experts to evaluate, and my deepest fears were made truth, Ruby is on the autism spectrum. So we then set about starting therapies, rearranging how we run the house and what we do/don't do in order to support her and help her learn to communicate. 

Double whammy, eh, 2009? No chance on a second child and the one I was granted has developmental delays and challenges. Yeah, you suck ass, I'd like a refund, please. 

The only good thing that came out of you was one great trip to Maui. My girl was happy, swimming in the ocean breathing in the fresh air and learning new words/phrases daily. My sad and broken husband went snorkeling and scuba diving and rediscovered his love of the ocean, and I found hope in my shattered heart. I ovulated while on the island and somewhere in my broken being I started to believe in miracles. 

Oh, you, 2009. You gave me that last, tiny shred of hope... and then you ripped it away. Happy fucking New Years. Happy full moon. Happy BLUE moon on New Years Eve. No... happy red moon you fucking shitcake of a year. 

With that, I let you go. Move on into the ethers, 2009 and let me be. Let me march forward into 2010 with a new hope, a new plan, a new anything. Let 2010 bring us our deepest wish, or at least peace with what is to be. Step aside 2009 and let something new and possibly less sucky take over. Please. 

Comments

[Heather]

INDEED. Good riddance 2009.

[Danielle]

Love you!

[Lawsofmommyhood.wordpress.com]

Goddamnit, Korin, I can't say that I feel your pain, but I do feel the pain of 2009, and the pain of feeling let down by all that I believed in and had hope in. People seem to get sick of hearing about others' pain after awhile (at least, that's the way it feels sometimes). They say things like, "Well, at least you have" this or that. I know that you can look at me and say that I have two healthy children, and I can look at you and say that you have an amazing husband that loves you. But I won't say that to you and I know that you won't say that to me. I love that you wrote this, and I can't tell you how validating it feels for me. Life is not fair a lot of the time, end of sucky story. Maybe in 10 years, we'll be able to feel differently. If you ever need to talk to someone who can appreciate that life sucks sometimes and that not a lot can make the pain of that go away, you know where to find me. I've got nuthin' but love for ya, and I'm still the praying type and I will be praying that you are hit with blessings you could never have imagined in 2010. You are so special to so many people. Ruby has the MOST amazing mom. All of your chronicles of her life and even the chronicles of your struggles are going to be such a gift to her one day.

Love,
Candice

P.S. And if this sounds incoherent, maybe it's the New Year's drinkie-drinks.

[celeste]

good riddance is right. i'm looking forward to the 2010-end post that redeems some of this suffering. i love you and hold the hope at all times.

[Kara]

Huh? Huh? What 2009? I haven't seen any 2009? What is this 2009? I think it was a horrible (horrible) dream ....

Kidding aside. I didn't know about even half of what you have been through this past year ... wow. And, I agree with Celeste on hoping for and looking forward to the 2010 year end post. Hope, that thing with wings, right?

[Sarah Barker]

May 2010 knock your socks off with its awesomeness, and may all of us cheering from the wings scream ourselves hoarse with joy for your gorgeous, gorgeous family.

Love,
Sarah