Mamazen

Dear 2009

Dear 2009,

In a word? suck it. You have been the worst year ever. I'm glad you're done, cause you sucked. You started off with such potential, we had an FET planned for late January and I was for sure going to be pregnant and have a perfectly healthy baby by the end of you. Well, I got pregnant but then that didn't work out so well, did it? See? you suck. 

As devastating as that was, we had more frozen embryos, so we planned another FET and moved on. Spring arrived and along with planting a garden of tomatoes and zucchini, we thawed out two more freezer tots and hoped for the best. Oh no, you, 2009 decided to fuck that up too. They barely survived the thaw and obviously didn't decide to take up residence in my embryo eating uterus. Thanks for that, 2009, I really liked that part. 

So, summer began and we tried to figure out how to pay for a fresh IVF cycle. We scraped together money, were lent some, gifted some and magicked some out of thin air. Surely, it worked once before, it should work this time, right?  Surely, this time, this was what we needed, right? HA! again, you, 2009 threw a wrench in it. Not only did it not work, but apparently we not only have male factor infertility, we also have added some crappy ovaries to the mix. Not only did it not work, but we didn't even get any freezer tots out of the deal. $15K for nothing? Oh, I had a good cry, but that's not worth $15K now is it? I can rent Steel Magnolias for $3.50. 

At the same time all of this was happening, I started noticing my sweet girl was clearly not progressing like her peers. She had some language delays and some intense tantrums. We called in some experts to evaluate, and my deepest fears were made truth, Ruby is on the autism spectrum. So we then set about starting therapies, rearranging how we run the house and what we do/don't do in order to support her and help her learn to communicate. 

Double whammy, eh, 2009? No chance on a second child and the one I was granted has developmental delays and challenges. Yeah, you suck ass, I'd like a refund, please. 

The only good thing that came out of you was one great trip to Maui. My girl was happy, swimming in the ocean breathing in the fresh air and learning new words/phrases daily. My sad and broken husband went snorkeling and scuba diving and rediscovered his love of the ocean, and I found hope in my shattered heart. I ovulated while on the island and somewhere in my broken being I started to believe in miracles. 

Oh, you, 2009. You gave me that last, tiny shred of hope... and then you ripped it away. Happy fucking New Years. Happy full moon. Happy BLUE moon on New Years Eve. No... happy red moon you fucking shitcake of a year. 

With that, I let you go. Move on into the ethers, 2009 and let me be. Let me march forward into 2010 with a new hope, a new plan, a new anything. Let 2010 bring us our deepest wish, or at least peace with what is to be. Step aside 2009 and let something new and possibly less sucky take over. Please. 

Mr. Nygaard's Opus

Everyone has a teacher that they will never forget. For me, that teacher was Mr. Nygaard. He was our amazing band/auxiliary director who led our team of misfits to ultimate high school band geek glory. In our high school, people came for the football, but they stayed for the half time show no matter how bad the game was. We were GOOD, no scratch that, we were the BEST. My senior year, we were the best in the entire state of California. I joined the auxiliary units as a sophomore, and spent my junior and senior year in positions of leadership. Those were some of the best, most memorable and most poignant moments of my young life. 

Truthfully? Everything I need to know, I learned in Drill Team.

• Keep your eye on the prize especially when the prize keeps changing because you never know when or how you'll get there... but if you persevere, you'll get there.
  
• Practice makes perfect but it also makes you strong, confident and resilient.
  
• A team is only as strong as it's weakest member, so stand together.
  
• Say it with confidence and they will believe you.
  
• Keep smiling, even when you know you missed a step, because pride matters.
  
• You can tell you moved a crowd when you hit your final mark and you can't hear a thing over the roar of the crowd and the pounding of your heart.
  
• Admit when you're wrong, or you need help with something, it can be guaranteed someone else on your team can help. 
• Try not to be envious of other teams abilities, learn from them, see their strengths and make them yours. 
• Everyone has a creative piece to share, keep your eyes and ears open because you never know who will surprise you.

He was THE teacher who believed in each of his students, no matter what, even if you screwed up, he knew you had the potential to be better. 

He was the one teacher I worked hardest for Every. Single. Day. As much as I craved his respect and admiration, I also knew he'd respect and admire me no matter what. 

I'll never forget how he'd say to us, dripping sweat in the hot desert sun "Good. Do it again. One more time." And trust me, there are many times now in my adult life where I look in the mirror and steel myself to do it again, just one more time. 

I won't forget the brilliance that was his field show to "Only Time Will Tell" or how the crowd went wild at the trumpet solo. 

I will certainly never forget the night we won 20 trophies at Chino and he said proudly with glistening eyes that it was something we should NEVER forget because things like that didn't happen often. . 

To this day, the sound of a drum corps still makes me want to start marching. To this day, when I see a parade or a field show, a huge part of me wants to get up and be a part of it: to feel the cool evening air on your face, the silence of the crowd as you march into place to the sound of a solitary snare drum, to hear the whistle bring the anticipation to a crescendo, and to hear the band ignite with passion as the flags, drill team and dancers take flight. I'd love to feel my body fly across the damp grass, the sticky vaseline on my teeth (seriously, gross, but you don't stop smiling) as I proudly give all I've got to the stands of eager crowds. I'd love just ONE MORE TIME to be in the 3rd circle of many concentric rings as we all hit our mark and bow as the trumpet soloist takes over in Only Time Will Tell (yes, Asia, what can I say, it was the 80s), just one more time to feel my heart pounding in my head, my hands tingling with excitement, and my feet aching in their wretched white vinyl boots. 

Thank you, Mr. Robert Nygaard for giving us your all. Thank you for loving us more than you loved the trophies. Thank you for instilling in us a love of music, a respect for musicianship, and an understanding of teamwork. I don't know if you realize it, but we were your Opus.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

Healing waters

Maui. We're in Maui. It's warm, sunny, perfect and just what the doctor ordered. This year (as you may have gathered from earlier posts) has sucked ass, what better way to bid it adieu than from a sunny, salty locale?

I forget how healing and soothing the beach is for me. I lived at the beach in San Diego for 6 years during college and after and it's always been a place of solace for me. So, when Ryan mentioned in September that tickets to Maui were only $300 each, I told him to book it. It was hot on the heels of our failed IVF and Ruby's autism evaluation, and holy hell we needed it. 

  

Ruby is thriving here on the island, and if I could move to a warm beach, I would do it in an instant (I'd even forfeit my wool knits for it!). Swimming and water are therapy for her and I swear she's using more words and repeating more phrases. She's just so happy, and honestly, that's all that matters to me. 

Truthfully, I'm happy too. The moment I sunk my feet into the warm sand, I felt a part of my deeply injured soul start to heal. I felt the sharp pain of this year's injuries slip away, and hope for a new year creep in. I looked out at the man I love with my entire being and I was reminded that we are strong, we are connected, we SHALL overcome.

  

Night has fallen on the land of sun and surf, and I shall lie in the dark and listen to the wind in the palm trees that sounds like a breeze through 1000 paper cranes, and I will pray that someday my wish will be granted.