Grace in small things 52/365

I think I've started more than one of these this year, saying that it's hard to find things to be grateful for, that it's hard to find the grace in the mundane... but I'm here again saying that it's hard, in my life right now to find that grace. It's so easy to see the negative, to point out the ugly, the painful, the heartbreaking.  I joined GIST because I wanted to find the grace in every day to get through the difficult things that may lay ahead of us this year... and sure enough, it was a shit of a year. I didn't keep my my end of the bargain, finding the grace in the mundane, waging the battle against embitterment. Truth be told, I'm pretty bitter. 

I started 2009 with the fervent wish I'd end it with a new baby in my arms. Now, we're near the end, and not only am I not nursing a newborn, I'm not pregnant, and realized this week that due to the state of the economy, we don't have access to funds to even consider trying again. I know these may not seem like big complaints to some, but when conceiving a child isn't easy, it's expensive. The thing is, I'm only 38, but all of a sudden, on top of male factor infertility issues, we also have secondary female factor... aka, my ovaries are giving up the ghost. So we have a small window of time to have a biological child, before we talk about the next set of options. This is, believe it or not, a really difficult thing to let go of, something we won't be letting go of without a lot of therapy. 

So here we are, heading into the winter holidays. Empty arms, empty womb, empty bank account. Time to find the grace in the small things.

1. An extra hour of sleep in the morning, even if it only came because a certain 3 year old was up for 2 hours in the middle of the night. There is something lovely about waking up at 8 am instead of 6:30.
2. Coffee and There's  a wocket in my pocket by the heat vent in the kitchen. Not a bad way to start the day.
3. A fabulous new hair cut and color. A splash of maroon can brighten any crabby old lady!
4. Pizza and a movie with my two favorite humans.
5. Kissing my sweet girl good night, and holding her hand as she drifts back to sleep after an bad dream. 

Comments

[Ruby'sNana]

I am thankful for you!
And for Ryan & for our wonderful blessing we call RUBY! I love you!, Mom

[Marie]

I keep hoping for the Tertia factor!
May we all have the family we dream of.
Love and hugs

Marie

[Hedy]

Lots of love and hugs comin' your way. This year... man, it was hard for a lot of us, huh?

I'll say that the think I'm most grateful for in my life, is the discovery of hope for my respiratory health, and the second thing I'm most grateful for is that my husband finally found a job! Yay! I agree, it's hard to find the grace in small things sometimes, but when you do, it's enough to get you through the hard times, 'non?

2010 is going to kick ass! Yes. Yes it is! Because Hedy said so! Ha ha!

<3, Moi.

[Amanda]

Oh Korin,
This touched me so much. Thanks for posting. Our situations may be a bit different, but totally understand...actually have been addressing this very issue with my own therapist lately. On top of the existing issues, my body has decided go wonky. Arg!
It's hard to let go, it's hard to grieve even if people tell you it's just an idea and not a reality. But your body and your heart can so easily override "logic" and loss is still loss.
Thank you again for sharing.
~Amanda