Mamazen

Grace in small things 6 of 365

1. Ryan working from home on friday so I can sleep in a bit.

2. Home made yogurt with black berry honey.

3. Busy days at work with many productive moments.

4. TV on DVD.

5. Turkey tacos.

Grace 5/365

1. Finding a cookie at the cafe I can eat. Mmmm lemon shortbread!
2. Knit night.
3. Friends who live your kid even after they've seen her be the queen of tantrum town.
4. Long conversations with awesome friends.
5. Long thoughtful kisses.

Grace in small things 4 of 365

I meant to post this last night, but was so tired from the lack of sleep the night before... so it's going up this am. 

1. Left overs when you got 3 hours of sleep, no cooking!

2. Sunny days!

3. The last sugar cookie. yum

4. Early bedtimes - regardless of the 4-6 am random wake up that comes later

5. My comfy bed with clean sheets. 

I sound tired. 

Grace in small things 3 of 365

1. Despite being up at 6 AM, having a daughter who can still make me laugh over frozen fruit  while sitting in front of the heating vent.

2. Hot tea. (especially at 6 AM in front of the heating vent)

3. Blood tests coming back at zero, so you can move on.

4. Quiet time and Pixar. yeah, that's two things, but they go hand in hand round these here parts. 

5. Fresh bread, straight from the oven, and straight into my mouth. 

Did you have any moments of grace in your day?

Grace in small things 2 of 365

1. Friends willing to babysit on their day off so you can have a nap and bleed in peace.

2. Marshmallows from said friend that are home made and completely divine.

3. Bedtime at 6:45 so you can knit on a sweater for you.

4. Left overs for dinner so there is no cooking and minimal cleaning.

5. Napping. Nuff said. 

what moments of  grace in small things did you have today?

Stripey fun

It was about time I knit something new for Ruby. She's got GrandMa and Aunt Mary knitting her sweaters, but sometimes a girl needs something from mama too. So I chose some left over stash yarn (lion brand wool ease in paprika and mink) and a simple pattern, and got to work.

It's big enough that it should fit her to next winter, unless she goes through a HUGE growth spurt, with the way she's sleeping, that is possible.

I love it! now I'm knitting for me, and then... for a friend who is pregnant with a much loved and waited for baby!

Grace in small things 1 of 365

Well, truth be told my last post was less than joyous, no? Trust me, I'm not the same bitter, sad, angry person I was 4.5 years ago entering into infertility treatment. I'm bitter, sad and angry, but not the same bitter sad and angry. Ruby eased so much of that out of me. The mere existence of her in my life filled a void I didn't know existed until it was gone. Going through this again is a whole new ball of wax. It's almost as if I know MORE of what I would be missing. This failed cycle or loss or whatever you want to call it has brought up many feelings that have been silenced for a long time, and I don't know what I'm going to do with them. So... in an effort to walay some of that bitterness, I'm committing to Grace in small things.  A local blogger I lost when my hard drive crashed in October and just re-found tonight  posted about it and it spurned my interest. Hmmm, 5 things everyday to help wage a battle against embitterment? yeah, I can try that. So, here goes. We all know I'm not the best blogger when it comes to committing to these daily things, as all of my previous attempts have fallen by the wayside... but I'm going to give this a shot. If it takes me 4 years, I'll get 365 entries on this, I promise. 

1. My turn to sleep in, altho I didn't get much sleep after Ryan and Ruby got out of bed, I still stayed in bed under the covers with my eyes closed tight till the luxurious hour of 9:35 am. Yum.

2. Valentine sugar cookies with butter cream frosting that don't have a single ingredient that I'm allergic to. I had to make them myself, but damn they are good. 

3. Having a mom who loves me so much, and tells me so every chance she gets.

4. Finally getting the new couch picked up and set up in the basement tv/playroom and watching Ruby immediately test it's jumpability. Toddlers rock.

5. Being woken up by someone who climbs on top of you and shouts "KISS!" before any other words are uttered. 

Until tomorrow. (or the next day, since it's after midnight. why the hell am I still awake?)

False spring

A couple of weeks ago we had what felt like a 'false spring'. Weather warmed up into the 50s and the sun was shining and bright for days. We were trapped inside with a toddler fighting RSV just after i'd spent 3 days on bedrest following an FET. Oh... all of these abbreviations... I guess I should explain, no? 

RSV - for those not living with small children is a respiratory virus that in some kids is no biggie, and in others leads to pneumonia, breathing problems and god knows what else. Ruby just had a miserable fever and cough. Thankfully no big deal. A few days of rest and moaning in front of the TV and she was right as rain.

FET - is how we make babies in this family. Ruby was an IVF baby. After years of trying to conceive, we sought medical intervention and found out we had a male factor infertility problem, that only IVF could bypass. So... many interventions, medications, and emotions later, I was pregnant with Ruby and we had 6 embryos in the freezer. So when we decided we wanted another baby, we pulled a few embryos out of the freezer and popped em in. No... it's not that easy, nor is it that fun, but that's how we roll around here, and I've got photos of hatching embryos to prove it. I actually watched one hatch on the screen before the transfer. Now THAT is some childhood development most mamas don't get to see. 

So, 10 days after the embryo transfer, I went for a pregnancy blood test. I was less than hopeful. When I was doing my fresh cycle with ruby I felt different. I KNEW I was pregnant. I didn't say it out loud, but I knew it deep in my core. This time, I just felt like it hadn't worked. So when I got a call regarding my blood work that was less than enthusiastic, I wasn't surprised. The message said, that i was just a little bit pregnant. She wanted me to be 'cautiously optimistic, that sometimes frozen cycles can be slow to start, and that we just wanted to see rising numbers on the next test in 48 hours. 

Sigh.

Cautious optimism isn't something I do. I am either brazenly optimistic, or hopelessly bereft. I can't be in the middle. So, for 2 days I let other people carry the banner of hope, and I felt hopeless. I woke up the morning of the follow up blood test feeling a wee bit of hope. I thought maybe this could turn around. I was nervous, anxious and distracted all day. Finally the phone rang. 

Nope. 

The sadness was overwhelming. I was just a little bit pregnant for a couple of days, but now I wasn't. I had these pictures of embryos that had been trying to become people... that weren't going to after all. My body had failed to support them for some reason, shit happens, and it was happening to me. 

Spring wasn't here. it was a false spring. We're still pretty mired in darkness and winter after all, and it sucks.