Mamazen

A is for...

Having a child with anxiety is as horrible as it sounds.  You never know when it will strike, you never know what will trigger her to fall to the ground unable to move, unable to think or connect. You can never predict what will cause her heart to start racing and for her brain to sink into a place that doesn’t have the ability to hear your words of calming. Want to know what’s even worse? When your kid is also autistic and has trouble with communication and auditory processing issues. It takes longer for her brain to hear what is being said and to process into something that makes sense, and then even if it makes sense, it’s hard for her to explain why/what/who/where is the problem. Sometimes the only thing she can say to me is “I’m scared of everything.” Can you imagine feeling like that? Can you fathom what it feels like to not be able to explain to someone who loves you more than life itself why you can’t breathe, why your head is fuzzy and spinning and why your stomach is aching and in knots? You can’t? Well count yourself damn lucky because it fucking blows. 

Others will see her being obstinate, or see you as an infective parent, but you know the truth. You know that it’s not about the shirt, it’s not about the missing pony. It’s probably not about anything that’s even happened in the past 2 hours. It’s been building forever. 

Her baseline anxiety has been climbing for months (nay, years)but it’s peaking lately, resulting in many days of missed school, lots of tears and LOTS of watching My Little Pony. 

She’s afraid to go upstairs or downstairs alone, she’s terrified of rooms that are dark, every shadow is a ghost, every piece of dust a spider, everything is scary. EVERYTHING. IS. SCARY.

 

Two weeks ago I had to hold her down while someone she had never met pulled her pants down while someone else gave her a shot in her leg while she screamed that I was a monster. You know what? I felt like one. Boom, anxiety increase.

Then her school had a lockdown drill where they had to hide under their desks in silence. Boom, anxiety increase. 

Then the next day they had an assembly on disaster preparedness. To hear her talk of it, you would assume there was a horribly graphic and violent video, but there was not. But all she can talk about is houses on fire and rooms filling with water from floods and earthquakes. Boom, anxiety overload. 

 

And so here we are, another day of school missed (which is good because today was a fire drill), another day of too much MLP and minimal play/interaction and probably not eating much. Before you tell me that I should put my foot down and make her do school work or house work and not have ‘fun’ on her ‘day off’, just fuck off. She’s not skipping school because she's screwing around, her brain is at war with itself, and she's just trying to survive. We have been trying new things every few months trying to combat this demon in her mind and are still coming up empty handed.

Thankfully we haven't exhausted the options for anxiety, and thankfully science still is allowed to exist because that is what we hope will lead my poor kid out of her daily stress. Only time will tell. 

25 Months

Dear Mabel June, 

You are now 25 months old. You've decided you like to be called Junie, which we all love. We pretty much everything about you, you're pretty great. 

You love dressing up! You like to grab the superhero mask and say "Hep me mama! I superhero!" You don't tend to choose the princess dresses very often, you like the knight costumes and the superhero stuff. You're pretty great!

We had a photoshoot with my friend Ebony, and she created this magical portrait of you and your sisters. It so perfectly shows how much magic you bring to this family.

 

You had a visit with an eye doctor because your left eye turns in a little bit at the end of the day. He said your eyes are perfect!  You thought the whole thing was awfully fun. 

 

Ruby's friend Maia came for a sleep over this month and we went to the zoo the next day!

 

We took a lovely walk in the fall weather to pick out our christmas tree!

You love doing anything that makes you feel like a big kid. You want to grow up so fast, but you're still a baby, thankfully. I'm ready for you to poop in the potty tho, that you can do asap. 

We were just too busy and tired to try and drive to a farm this year, so we walked down the street to the local tree stand. 

We had a blast choosing the tree, and posed for a silly picture before walking home with daddy carrying the tree. 

Then you were so excited to decorate! 

 

We went to Alpenrose to see Santa! we had so much fun (even though it was COLD and WET) seeing all the sights while we waited for our turn to meet with the big guy. 

Last year you took a nosedive off of this sleigh. Thankfully you're a little more coordinated this year. (and your sisters held on to you)

You had fun, even though it doesn't look like it in this photo. I promise. But your sisters just love you so much (and they love to annoy you sometimes)

 

Such a magical photo of you and Batman with Santa! Ruby had a panic attack and couldn't see Santa this year, but you and Batman sure did have a lovely visit. 

 

Lately you've been into trying on everyone's shoes. Even my boots that go all the way up your legs. 

 

We had the first (of MANY) snows. You thought it was pretty cool, until you touched it...



You are such a tech native. You can make your way around the iPad or iPhone without any help, you can play games about matching letters, and puzzles, and whatever else Batman (lucy) has shown you. You ask all the time "Where MY IPAD?" and I keep telling you that you can have your own iPad when you can poop in the potty. I think that's a fair trade.

My sweet Junie, I am so thankful that you are part of our family. You have certainly found your scream lately, and you know how to use it. You may be the baby, but you will NOT be ignored. You are working hard to have your voice heard and to have your needs met. You're a perfect addition to our team. You are such a joyful and loving child and you give the best hugs. I am so thankful for you.

All my heart, Mama

51 months

Dear sweet Lucy, 

You are now 51 months old, (yes this letter is several months late, but a lot has happened in the world and I haven't had much leisure time on my computer). Your personality is getting richer and richer every day. You are funny and kind and exploring who you are in the world. 

You love playing 'baby' with Mabel, you tuck her in, give her a bottle and kiss her goodnight (which is pretty funny since none of you have ever taken a bottle to bed, just boobs!) If I ask you if you're the mama, you look at me and say no, same response to if you're the daddy. Then I'll ask "well then who are you?" and you'll say "I'm just PRETENDING." I think it's pretty clear that you're not interested in parenthood at this point, but that's ok, you're only 4. 

 

You've been learning to hammer stuff into pumpkins at school so we decided to do it at home. You also used other tools on this poor pumpkin, like a saw and a screwdriver. 

 

You've recently been pretending to be Batman at school, and decided you wanted to learn to write it too. You are really into learning letters and numbers, and you're great at writing too! 

 

You spend a lot of time playing with Clock Girl (formerly known as Thomas) at school. You also love playing with Sebastian (sometimes known as Martin). I'm pretty sure the pretend play with these kids is what made you decided to be Batman at school. You love hugging and being hugged by your friends!
 

 

We still try to go to the Playground Gym as often as possible. You try new tricks every time we are there, and are learning lots of new techniques from Allurah who is with you and your sisters every wednesday afternoon.

 

One day I found the belly cast that was mad when you were still living in my belly. It was starting to fall apart so you and MJ painted it. It turned out pretty great! 

 

You and MJ are often the best of friends, but then sometimes you fight over who gets to sit on me, shouting "MY MAMA!" 

 

You and Mabel like to take your clothes off and run around naked, it's cute until someone poops on the carpet (hint, it wasn't you) One day you helped Mabel take her diaper off and later that day we had to go buy a new carpet for the playroom, you picked a pretty cool one, and now we have a "underpants" rule. (it was an old gross carpet, poop was the final straw because yes I know I could've cleaned it.)

 

We went to a new pumpkin patch this year, Lakeview Farms. We got to ride a boat and a train and it was SO MUDDY. Unfortunately you and Ruby had left your boots in the back yard the night before and they were FILLED with water, so you were ill prepared for mud. 

You all wore your matching striped sweaters that Aunt Mary made you, and you were so cute. 

You had a lot of fun, even if this picture doesn't show it. 

You not only picked out your own pumpkin, but you carried it all the way too! 

You love being part of our family, and love group hugs and pictures.

For halloween we went as all the emotions from Inside Out. You were Fear, which is funny because you are the bravest kid I know. You have a few fears, but not nearly as many as your big sister. She was Joy (naturally) and Mabel was Sadness. 

You LOVED trick-or-treating, mostly because there was SO MUCH CANDY. 

 

You had a visit with your dentist, Dr. Pike and he was so proud of how well you're taking care of your teeth! No cavities! You are so brave and calm at the dentist. It's pretty fun!

We had some pretty spectacular fall days this month. We went on a leaf collecting walk and you had a blast jumping in piles of leaves and throwing them up in the air. 

You've been practicing letters for a long time and you're writing your own name without any help! Its so amazing!

 

There's big construction going on across from Runabouts Preschool, and you love watching it with your friends. 

 

You also love laughing, a LOT. And you love making other people laugh, and knowing why other people are laughing. 

Your laughter brings so much joy to those around you. 

One day you wanted to make play dough, so we did! lots of colors with lots of scents! then they all got mixed together into a purplish brown that smelled like... a lot of things. 

You FINALLY asked for a haircut after letting it grow all summer. You really are a kid who likes short hair, and it looks great on you. 

You are such a funny kid! One day daddy walked in where you and MJ were hiding behind the guest bed and he heard you talking about how she had a baby in her belly and how it was going to come out of her vulva. You are so smart and observant! of course we had to remind you that some babies are born in other ways, but I love the way you learn!

You are such an amazing kid. I could not be more proud of who you are and how you are in the world. You are kind and sweet and funny (not always, sometimes you're kind of a butt) and you really know how to show your love for those in your life. Thanks for being my kid.

All my love, Mama

Two

My sweet Mabel June (or Junie as you like to be called),

You are TWO YEARS OLD. You are quite a kid, MJ. You have SO much personality. You are funny and kind and very...demanding of your needs. VERY. 

We went to the apple tasting with friends

You got to paint your first pumpkin!

We also went to a Harvest Festival for kids with special needs. You danced your tookus off. 

And did not like posing for pictures with your sisters.

 

We took out the light table! You loved scooping water beads (and making a mess).

 

You are also SUPER into bandaids. 

LIKE REALLY INTO THEM.

 

We also went to the pumpkin patch to pick out pumpkins. 

I can never seem to get all three of you to look happy in the same picture. 

But sometimes you are all so sweet a loving to each other. (sometimes)

We had a great (and muddy) time.

 

You are still pretty small, but you THINK you are such a big kid. 

Some days you and Lucy ( who wants to be called Batman now) are the very best of friends. Other days you yell at each other for not being "NICE!"

 

We went for a  fall leaf collecting walk, and you didn't do a lot of walking but your bag was really full thanks to Ruby adding to it!

You and Lucy often will fight over who's mama I am. "my mama!"  "NO MY MAMA!" sorry kids, I'm both your mama. Always and forever. 

You love putting on my bras and then asking for milk. That's not exactly how it works, kid. 

HALLOWEEN! we went as the emotions from Inside Out. You were Sadness (which you rarely are, you're either happy or MAD it seems)

 

You thought trick or treating was the best thing every. Act cute and get candy? YESSSSS You would walk up and say "CANEEEE?" and they would give you all the candy. 

 

After halloween it was time to practice hammering nails into the pumpkins. So mushy. 

Shortly after halloween, I left for a 4 day trip for work. It was the longest we were every apart, but we both survived. I sure did miss you, and the second I walked in the door, you ran to me and said "MAMA! Milk?" Of course, kiddo, of course. 

And then, it was your birthday! We had a superhero themed party, with robots because that's what Ruby wanted to make. All you really cared about was cake and friends, which you have plenty of both. 

You really enjoyed opening presents, and were given so many lovely things! Books! your own purse! a fire truck to build! and bathtub toys!

Oh my sweet kid. You are my last child to turn two. I'll never nurse another one year old. Every day you get a little bit older and grow a little bit more. Your sentence structure is amazing and you spend a lot of time each day trying to tell me what is in your little head. You will repeat the same phrase over and over, and often Lucy (Batman) interprets it for us. For a 2 year old, you  have ridiculous language, and you love to sing (or try to sing) and dance. You want to jump off of things like your big sisters and friends but you haven't mastered that skill yet. You also really just think you're a big kid. It's pretty cute. 

You are finally sleeping all night without asking for milk, although you often wake up at 4:45 and think it's morning. I'm not a fan of this time of day, so that's when you get to play games on my phone. It's not my best parenting, but sleep is important, and besides, you're learning something from building legos and watching PeeWee Herman, right? (RIGHT!)

Junie, you are such a delight to spend time with. Your laughter can heal wounds, your smile can light the darkest days (and oh, my sweet there are some dark days right now) and your gentle touch can warm the coldest hearts. I am so grateful you are part of our family. So very grateful. 

All my love, Mama

 

23 months

My sweet darling Mabel June, 

You are now 23 months old. You are ALMOST TWO! You are such a fun and funny kid. You communicate better than most almost 2 years olds I know, and it always blows my mind.  Here are some of our recent conversations:

Me (from the front seat at 3pm, when you haven't napped all day): Mae, if you don't take a nap you're going to be a disaster!
You: NO I NOT!
Me: Yes, you are!
You: NO I NOT!
Me: Yes, you are!
You: NO!!! I NOT!!! ZZZZZZZZ

You: MAMA! I poop!
Me: Oh, do you need a new diaper?
You: No, I FAHTED.

 

I've been noticing your left eye turning in for a while, so we took you to see your doctor and she recommended that you see an ophthalmologist. It's scheduled for next month, and if you need glasses, I'm pretty sure you're going to be adorable in them. 

 

You LOVE reading books. the more the better. Every night at bedtime, I tell you to pick 3 books and you hand me at least 10. Currently you love Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus, any of the That's Not My books, Sometimes You Need A Jellyfish,  and Don't Push The Button. I just love reading to you. 

Lucy loves to puddle jump and you are doing your darnedest to keep up with her, 

Daddy came back from a trip to Michigan with a hand me down car from Grandma, and this awesome rocking chair that was his when he was a kid. You love it. 

 

 

Some days you'll drag it to the door and wait for Ruby's bus, cause you sure do love your big sisters (mostly)

 

We went apple picking with Lucy's preschool, you chose the biggest apple to sort of eat and shove into my face. 

 

 

Your BFF Flannery had a birthday party. You wore chicken pants and were a holy terror, trying to give yourself a concussion and throwing everything. Still, you had cake and fun. 

 

Speaking of fun, you are SO SO SO fun! You take every opportunity to make people laugh. You also scream and demand a lot of things,so it's kind of like living with a tiny comedic tyrant. 

 

You're perfecting your pout, I think you've got it nailed. 

 

You want nothing more than to be one of the bigs, and when you get to do what they do... well you are SO PROUD.

 

You are so smart! You can navigate the iPad, going to games you like, or netflix and starting PeeWee Herman (your favorite movie, go figure). I am not entirely stoked that my not yet 2 year old can do this, but you're a tech native so I guess I'll get used to it. It also gives me an extra 15-20 minutes of shut eye in the morning so i think I'm kind of winning. 



Like I mentioned before, you are incredibly silly, including pretending to sleep when you are wide awake, or shouting "FARTED!" when someone else toots. When we ask you what your name is you say "me? JUNIE!" even though we call you Mabel June, Mae, and Junie all pretty equally. I guess you want to be called June right now. 

Sweet pea, you are such a dastardly delight. When you are not screeching at me to hold you, you give the sweetest hugs and kisses. When you are not trashing a room, you are happy to help pick up and play. When you are not demanding that I nurse you every 3 seconds, you are such a big kid, trying to jump and play big kid games and just BE BIG. I cannot believe that you are almost TWO. 

All my heart, Mama. 

50 months

My Dear Lucy Mae, 

 You are 50 months old! 

 

You are as tall as Ruby was when she was SIX. It's truly mind boggling how huge you are. You are strong and smart and going to take over the world!

 

You LOVE a good puddle jump. 

Like, SERIOUSLY, the muddier the better. Mabel does too, but Ruby doesn't like getting as wet as you two.

You love going on special dates with me, and I love it too. We go out to eat, and shopping for fun things (like bandaids and stickers) and sometimes we just hang out. You are really a mama's girl. 

 

We went apple picking with your schoolmates and it was so fun! Then we came home and made apple sauce and apple chips. You love helping!

You really love school. You are learning to navigate the complex social world of pre-school, but you are doing your best to act with kindness toward all of your friends.

 

I love getting pictures from your teacher each day, and often we will look at them together and you'll tell me what you and your friends are doing. 

You love playgrounds ALL OF THEM, often when we drive by a playground you will ask "when can we go to THAT playground?" 

 

Every day I get a report about if you got to play with Thomas (who also often goes by ClockGIrl or Clock) the two of you love to play in the mud kitchen. 

Like I said, you love to get muddy.

And you LOVE puddles. 

 

We had a fancy (ie: at the table) dinner with your buddies Cormac and Flannery. 

Then you  all put on your matching PJs. Nothing makes you happier than matching with your sisters or friends 

 

When you and Ruby needed new coats this fall, you of course had to match. You wore them for the first time to the apple festival at the Portland Nursery.

Then you made matching sparkly pumpkins. 

 

 

We also went to a special needs Harvest Festival with our buddy Gabriel. You had a blast!

You danced and danced and jumped and ran. 

You also took some silly pictures. 
This month you had to get a shot (well two actually, and two different times) and you DO NOT LIKE THEM. You decided that Dr. Amanda doesn't give any good shots and they all hurt and you never want another one. However we talked bout how if you want to go to kindergarten next year, that there are a few more we'd like you to have and you've agreed to it. BUT YOU DON"T LIKE IT. You act like you are so brave, then when the time comes you cry and cry and scream at me, and even ice cream doesn't help. It's not my favorite part of parenting that's for sure. 

You are SUPER into tattoos lately. Any time you think about it, you ask for some and we pull a sheet out of the sticker folder and you plaster them all over your arms. You look like quite a little badass. You also like to put them on Mabel, you'll cut them out and then hold the wet cloth to her arm and count loudly to 20, checking to see it's progress. (consequently, she's learned to count to 10!)

Lately I've been busy and distracted and sometimes I get frustrated. You notice everything and will often ask me, "mama are you angry?" and yes, sometimes I am, sweetheart. Sometimes we all get mad and sad and all the emotions in between. I'm sorry that you have to see (and hear) me get frustrated, but we're both learning how to be human still. 

My sweet darling LuBear, you are one of my most favorite human beings on this planet. You make me laugh every day, and your hugs can bring me such relief from the challenges of being a grown up. Thank you for being my awesome kiddo. 

All my heart, Mama

49 Months

Dear Lucy, 

You are 49 months old. We had a fun and exciting month! 

We started off with one last camping trip of the summer, with Augie and his family. 

You learned to play Yahtzee, which was one of my favorite games as a kid too. You LOVE playing games, and you are getting good at following rules and directions. I too love games so it's especially exciting that we can do it together!

You also went all the way into the river that was VERY COLD. Ruby refused to even dip her toes in, but you were so brave!

 

 

You also learned how to throw magnetic darts. You are such a fun kid!

You and Ruby can be the best of friends. You still love (and insist) on matching every day, down to your underpants if you can. 

One day you and Ruby found a bunch of wood scraps and decided to build a 'club house'. For a week there was scraps of wood lying around that we couldn't move because it was the CLUBHOUSE. 

 

We found an ice cream truck just down the street and started walking to it every Friday after school. It was a big hit with all of you. 

You especially loved the chocolate. And the strawberry.

 

One day, it started RAINING (big rain, which says a lot for this rainy town) on the way home from the ice cream truck. We all were cold and wet when we got home so you and Ruby immediately got into your pjs and snuggled under your blankets for a movie. Not a bad Friday. 

I found this embroidered shirt at a garage sale and you fell in LOVE with it.  It looks like something I would've worn when I was your age and it makes me so happy that you love it so much.

 

You are at Runabouts 4 days a week this year. I only work 3 days, and as much as I am loving these Mondays with just Mabel, I do miss you so much. I thought we would have some days that you skipped Monday at school and we did fun stuff, but so far you want to go to school every day, even on the weekends. 

 

 

Brittany is your teacher 2 days a week and you couldn't be happier. (well none of us could be, you have three of the best preschool teachers we could ever ask for!)

You get to play in the water

And you made grape juice!

 

You especially loved mashing the grapes!

You've also made friends with a lot of the 'little' kids. You are so good at being a friend to kids that are shy, or left out, or that are sometimes too loud or rambunctious. You really seem to try and know who needs what, and you try and give it to them. I think it's a side effect of being a middle child (ask me how I know) or maybe having a big sister who sometimes needs you to give her more because she has anxiety. Either way, you're making lots of friends and you love it. 

Isaiah takes you to school twice a week and you spend a few hours with him after. He does original play with you often and you need it so much. I am not a super wrestely type mama, so getting your BIG physical needs met with others is so important. Daddy often wrestles you too, and some days it's exactly what you need to get your big 4 year old feelings out. 

You do have SO many big feelings, and I do my best to meet you where you are and help you navigate them. I do hope I'm doing a good enough job, because you are so so so special to me. 

You LOVE helping in the kitchen. Every day you ask if you can help make whatever I am working on. Max and Kelcie came over for dinner one night and you helped to make Pizza! You especially loved watching Max throw the dough up in the air!

 

One day while we were riding bikes to the playground, you decided that you could just let go and ride without hands. You do SO many things like this, where you just TRY new things. It is so very different from how Ruby was (and still is) because she is very firm in her physical boundaries but you like to push them all the time. It sometimes scares me, but mostly I feel so proud and excited for you. 

This month you practiced jumping from a stationary object to grab onto the monkey bar/rings and then you flip over. You also are practicing jumping as FAR as you can (which is pretty far).

One night Cormac and his family came over for dinner and a sleep over, and you and Ruby decided that he needed to sleep in the big kid bed with you. That marked the last night you slept in my bed (of course you still crawl into bed with me when you need to, as does Ruby, but you are so excited that you sleep in the big kid bed all night almost every night). I put mabel to sleep and then read books to you three big kids until you were all passed out. Then you didn't wake up till 6:30 in the morning. NOT TOO SHABBY.

 

My sweet darling Lucy Mae, you are SUCH a sweet and loving kid. You give the best compliments every day, telling me my hair looks nice, or you like my outfit. On the days I'm not feeling my best, you always make me feel better. You are also often so good at appreciating the things we do. When we have a treat, or do something out of the ordinary, you are so quick to say "Thank you for getting us ice cream mama!" You also beam the hugest smile, and I know you feel proud for being so kind and honest. 

Don't get me wrong, you aren't always a bucket of joy. Sometimes you get SO MAD at me (and often I really deserve it) and you'll yell and scream and tell me you are SO MAD and that you don't like me (or mabel, or Ruby or whomever). You are still figuring out pronouns so you'll say things like "I DON'T LIKE SHE!"  which makes me laugh and laugh (on the inside, cause it would really make you mad if I laughed out loud at you!). Sometimes you get mad and just growl or stomp your feet. As hard as it is, I want you to hold on to that indignant anger, cause you're gonna need it when you grow up. There are a lot of things happening in the world that will make you very angry and I want you to be able to stand up and GROWL when things piss you off. But really, I"m sorry you can't have gum AND candy AND a bubble tea, mama has to have some say in how much sugar you consume. 

Lucy, you are one of my most favorite 4 year olds in the history of 4 year olds. I'm so very glad I get to watch you grow up. <3

All of my heart, and some extra bubble gum, Mama. 

 

22 months

 

 My Darling Mabel June, 

You are 22 months old and SO VERY FEISTY and so very smart. You are participating in a study about premature infants and low birth weight infants and executive function (how well your brain works). You went at 6 months and were behind on many things, which wasn't a surprise because you were still so tiny and trying to figure out how it all works. This time, you went (20 months adjusted) and you rocked their socks off. Not only were you doing all the tasks for a child your age, but you were completing tasks that weren't expected till the 3 year check in. You  did one test that entailed putting pegs in holes, and the first time you did it in 40 seconds, the second time in 24 seconds. A 3 year old should be able to do it in 30. WOWZA, I think you are going to show us all that you were right on time when you showed up 6 weeks early. The only things you WEREN'T doing ahead of time was jumping with two feet ( you are trying!) and walking backwards (you did it the next day). 

You've taken to riding this little plastic horse, it's quite hilarious. 

 

We took your sisters bowling right before school started. You were NOT happy that you couldn't actually bowl.  But you did like dancing to the loud music.

 

One night you refused to go to sleep till 11:30 pm. You instead worked out how magnets work, including positive and negative. It was cute, but GO TO SLEEP.

 

We went on a fantastic camping trip with Augie, Gretchen and Kerry. You love them SO much (especially Augie - AUEEEEEE) and asked to see him every time we were back at our own camp. You played in an ice cold river and ran and hiked and sat by the fire like a big kid. 

 

Lucy was a little braver about getting IN the water but you liked floating in the duck pool!

 

Most nights you wake up and crawl into my bed like this. Thankfully we have a king sized bed so I still have some place to sleep.

 

We discovered an ice cream truck not too far from home, and started walking there every Friday after school.

 

You liked chocolate. And strawberry. 

 

You also like PeeWee Herman. Every time you see a red bike you say "Herman?" and when we put it on netflix you get SO excited. I'm not excited that you like watching movies with your sisters and you are not yet 2, but being the 3rd kid you are exposed to much more stuff than they were just because you hang out with them. It's ok, I'm pretty sure your brain will survive. 

You know SO many words. More words than Lucy knew at 22 months and she talked a LOT. One of the cutest new words is "Pi-Ate!" for pirate. I had NO idea what you were shouting from your car seat one day, "Sti-kuh! Pi-ATE!" over and over until Ruby pointed out that you had a pirate sticker from Trader Joes on your window. :)

 

You found some girly ribbons in a drawer, you were not impressed. 

 

You do however LOVE this owl dress, which is awesome because I love it too. 

 

You spent your first few nights away from me, and you did great. Your nana was sick and in the hospital and I went to stay with her. It was hard for me because I missed you and your sisters so much, but we FaceTimed every day, once you even shared your french fries with me though the phone. I worried that you wouldn't want to nurse when I came back but you are a true boob lover and were right back at it within 5 minutes of me being home. "MILT! MILT! Minute?" is how you ask when I am trying to put you off so I can do something else. It's quite cute. 

 

You are SUCH a joyous child. You laugh with such depth and you truly enjoy making others happy. Your silliness and smiles can light up the darkest days. You also get MAD like no other (not yet)2 year old I've ever met. You clench your fists and scream at me with the look of FURY in your eyes, but still, I can't help but laugh (inside, not at you, I promise). Even when you are raging mad you are still pretty cute. 

 

You desperately want to be a big kid, you even try to hold a pencil like a big kid and do homework. 

 

You have taken a keen interest in dressing yourself. You tell me "NO!" about most clothes offered each day, and have to pick out which hoodie you wear. You don't seem to have a color preference, I think you just like being in charge.  Some days you pick out hilarious outfits like wearing two swim diapers and carrying a sword. Rock on little Pi-ate.

 

Now that Lucy is in school four days a week, we have two mornings where it's just the two of us. Sometimes we meet friends for walks or coffee, and sometimes we just stay home and do housework and take naps. Either way I love solo time with you. You are so sweet and funny, even when you're making more messes than I can clean up!

My darling Mabel June, every morning you wake me up (and often multiple times in the night but NO YOU ARE NIGHTWEANED NOW, GO BACK TO SLEEP) asking for 'MILT!'  and kissing me on the face. Even when I am so tired, I am thankful every day that you are a part of our family. There were many days 12 years ago when I questioned if I would ever even BE a mother, and now here I am the mother to THREE amazing kids, and one of them is YOU. 

All my heart, Mama

21 months

 

My sweet Mabel June,

You are now 21 months old. You are one amazing baby. You are sweet and loving, and so full of life. You are a FUNNY kid, and interested in other people, and so social! You rarely get scared of people that we introduce you to, and sometimes you do things that are a little frightening... like just walking off at the Montavilla Street Fair. For 45 long seconds I was terrified that you had been completely lost, but oh no, you were just trying to climb into someone else's stroller. OMG MABEL NO. 

You love climbing on things, hanging on things and generally acting like a menace. You are STRONG, and SMART, and WILD. One day, you decided to just leave the back yard and start wandering down the sidewalk in your diaper with your shoes in your hand. Thankfully some kind (and scared!) stranger pulled over and knocked on our door, asking if you belonged to us. UM, YES THANK YOU. *Mother of the year award*<<<<<< not me. 

We have been to many fountains and splash pads this summer. And every wednesday you went swimming with Deb and Allurah. You love the water! you hate the sand, but love the water!

 

 

  

We went to a concert in the park with friends, you tried to learn how to throw a frisbee, and you danced your funny little chicken dance and ate BLUE shave ice.

 

 

  

Your auntie Keli came to visit and you had fun making her laugh and dragging her around the park. 

Your sisters aren't much for wearing dresses, but one day I put a dress on you and since they love to match, I had three kids in dresses for the first time since Kelcie's wedding!

 

You and your sisters love to have picnics. Inside, outside, anywhere! You'll do anything to be one of the big kids. 

 

We went to our family reunion at Belknap Springs. You were the life of the party! You made everyone laugh and got to ride the green machine with your Auntie Bug. (whom you now refer to as "A Butt")

We went for hikes in the secret garden, and you loved paling around with your big sisters, as usual. 

 

You also found a stick you really liked and walked around with it a lot. 

When your sisters were little they were frightened of Grandpa. You on the other hand, ADORE him. He's pretty fond of you too. 

 

You LOVE books right now. Every nap and bed time you shout "BOOOOOOK!" and choose at least 2 books to read (at least twice). It's pretty sweet. 

 

This is your favorite costume, the knight. Your sisters will wear wings and be fairies and mermaids, and you, YOU are the knight that has come to slay the dragon. 

 

You've learned how to make "I" statements: I do it! I got it! I won! it's pretty cute. 

As a matter of fact, I really think you have more words than Lucy did at this age, and she is incredibly verbose. Some of your other phrases are "Mama! Take shoes off!" (to me when i get off work, or for you in the car" also "HELP ME!" and "I did it!"

You seem like an incredibly independent child, yet in so many ways you are still just a baby. ANYTIME I sit down, you think it's time for Milk. You come running shouting "MULK!!!MULK!!!" like the world is going to come to an end and the only answer is to nurse. Because I've started to set limits on it, you'll often say "Odder side?" "one minnit?" and if I say no, you CRRRRRRRY and say "peeees! one Minnit!!!!" I usually give in and one minute turns into ten. 

 

You and your sisters ADORE each other. If one of them is sad, you go right to them and hug and kiss them, or just pat them on the back. Sometimes Ruby calls you "Mister Mabel" and it's the sweetest thing. you make her giggle and she loves kissing you. Lucy wakes up every morning and comes to find you in the bed and says in the sweetest voice "Oh good morning Mabel, can I hold your hand?" and then she snuggles you up.

My adorable Mabel June, You are such a ray sunshine in my life. Your presence in our family is so very important. You have given me the gift of knowing that even when shit goes sideways, I still have the skills to bring it around to center. It doesn't always look pretty, but I can do it. YOU taught me that. You, with your tiny hands and your impossibly small mouth and your head that it was so tiny it fit in the palm of my hand. You are so so mighty, I can't wait to see what comes next. 

All of my deepest, fiercest love, Mama

FOUR

My Darling Lucy Mae,

You are FOUR YEARS OLD. You are so happy to finally be 4, as you've been waiting for this since your friend Cormac turned 4 a few months ago. You are also desperate to start kindergarten, but I have (thankfully) convinced you to go to Runabouts preschool for another year. I wish you weren't in such a hurry to grow up, cause you are really a fun kid. 

  

We've had lots of fun at the various water parks and fountains this summer. You also went swimming every wednesday with Deb and Allurah. You are one water loving kid!

 

We also went to a concert in the park with a bunch of friends where you got to have a blue shave ice. It was REALLY BLUE.

 

 

Auntie Keli came to visit. We went for a long walk in the park and saw 3 weddings, a Shakespeare play and lots of ducks. 

 

You also decided to try writing your name. It was pretty awesome because you did it without much help. You are one smart cookie. 

 

You asked for a hair cut, but were too scared to go to the salon because it was too noisy. I tried to explain that having ME, an untrained person cut your hair would be much scarier but you insisted. Thankfully it turned out ok, because you kept telling me where to cut and how much to cut. When we were all done, you looked in the mirror and said "That's good enough." thanks for the vote of confidence!

Maybe you'll be a hair stylist when you grow up! You've already started practicing on Mabel, much to my chagrin. 

 

 

You aren't one for wearing dresses, but one day I put Mabel in a dress and (since you love matching with your sisters) you wanted to put on one too... and then Ruby followed suit! I am pretty sure this is the only time all three of you have been wearing dresses (other than Kelcie's wedding). I doubt it'll ever happen again since none of you seem to be dress kinda kids. 

 

We went to our family reunion at Belknap Springs. The last time we were here was 6 months before you were conceived, but Ruby remembered it and couldn't wait to show you around.  We brought bikes and you guys biked around camp several times a day. We also brought frisbees, which you adorably call a 'crispee'. I hope you never stop calling it that. 

You loved the secret garden, you looked for frogs and flowers and tadpoles. 

You hiked there with your Nana and Grandpa, and of course your baby sister Mabel. 

You became BFF with your second cousin Brady. He's 16, and you think he's the bees knees. If he liked orange, so did you. If he liked chicken, well you LOVE chicken. You played go fish together and would just talk and talk and talk. Once we came home you talked about him ALL THE TIME, and even FaceTimed with him on his birthday. 

 

Ruby came to Runabouts summer camp this month. You were SO excited to do camp with your big sister. Melissa said you two were inseparable. Unlike at home, you didn't fight at all while you were at camp. 

You two are best friends most of the time, until one of you pisses off the other and then you fight like cats and dogs. 

 

We went to a mermaid parade, that turned into an hour in the fountain, that turned into a spontaneous pirate battle with the Pirates of Portland.  You didn't think the pirates were as cool as Ruby and Lily did, but you loved the fountain!

 

We went to the Montavilla Street Fair again this year. Your favorite parts were the hula hooping and shave ice, naturally. 

We went to a play at a theater not too far from home. You decided to wear a costume because the play was about Thumbelina (who turns out to be a fairy). It was pretty cute to see two fairies scootering down the road. Several people driving by thought so too and rolled down their windows to tell you how awesome you were. 

 

We try to get outside for a walk every day, or a bike ride. Sometimes we are all crabby, and walking to the cafe for pie is just the answer. 

 

 

 

YOU HAD A TRAIN BIRTHDAY PARTY! You've been talking about having a train party for a LONG time, and you never wavered on it, so we went for it, and it was SUPER FUN. 

Everyone got a train had and bandana. 

You were the cutest train conductor at the party!

Every night leading up to your birthday you would snuggle up to me at bedtime and instead of reading a book, you would ask to look at pictures of train cakes on pinterest, and would tell me which ones to make. Little did you know my cake baking skills aren't that fancy. 

 

We had a train photo booth, here you are with your friend Oz. 

Your Nana made a cool game called 'feed engine #4" and you threw coal shaped bean bags into a train. It was a huge hit.  

We also played 'pin the train on the track' and everyone (even Mabel and Flannery!) had a blast. 

Here you are with Cormac and Elsa.

You are my favorite 4 year old in the whole wide world. 

 

We went bowling! You and Ruby bowled together every time, and you cheered each other on. It was really sweet. 

 

Every time you would miss, or not knock down a lot of pins you would shout, "COME ON, MAN!" 
You're like 3 steps away from being an old man playing bocce balls. I just love you so much. 

 

Then the lights went off and it was disco time!

 

Deb bought you a game of Twister for your birthday. You guys think it's hilarious. I think it's a ticket to a broken back for me. 

 

Oh my dear sweet Lucy Mae, you are learning so much and doing so many new things it's hard to keep up with you. You've learned to dribble a ball, bounce and catch, and throw/catch two balls at one time with a buddy. (which is not easy when I'm the buddy!) You do flips on the bars and have figured out how to get your legs over the bar. You have not yet let go of the bar, but I suspect that will be soon. You ride your bike fast but still follow all the rules and you really do loving riding your bike. 

One of the sweetest things you've been doing lately is when we wake up in the morning you look at me and say "Oh mama, I love you SO much" It's never a bad way to start the day, being filled up with love. Another one of your adorable tricks is to say "I want to speak into your ear!" and then you whisper  with your ear next to my ear, so I can't really understand what you are saying. I'm pretty sure it's either about McKay or Brady or how much you love your sisters. 

Four is sweetness and love and funny stories. It's fantastic ideas and silly jokes and big hugs. It's also MAD and indignant and demanding. Four sometimes slams the door, then opens it and slams it a few more times just to get your point across. You are certainly a FIRE sign, and I understand you oh so well, as I am too. But as your mama, I am still learning how to navigate this time without destroying your fire and your spirit, but just guiding you to be a slightly more gentle sister and friend.

Lucy, you have brought so much joy into our family. You can be so kind and loving and generous, and you are funny and thoughtful and goofy. This is going to be one helluva year, I can tell. 

All my love, Mama