Mamazen

On just being thankful

I read something yesterday that made me stop... stop everything and want to fall down on my knees weeping, thankful that i wasn't writing it. The writer lost a child shortly after birth a few years ago, and now serves as a photographer for other parents going through the same thing. She told of witnessing this mother and father holding their dear child during the last moments of her short and painful life, of the desperate search for a cell phone charger so they could play the song that chose her very name. 

I was warned that the link would make me cry. I was prepared to cry. What I was not prepared for, was that it would haunt me, that I would wake up at 3 am with the song floating through my head, and that I would find myself picturing this family over and over. 

Many things make me want to hold my child tight to my heart on a daily basis. I cannot fathom losing a child. Unfortunately, I have known way too many families who have. Some have recovered amazingly, some end up lost in the grief. I cannot fathom losing a child.  Losing a desperately wanted and planned for pregnancy seems hard enough, and my loss was so tiny in comparison to most. But, the thought of losing a child that... god, I can't even finish that statement. 

So much to be thankful for, so much grace to see in today. 22/365

1. waking up at 5:30 to a croupy coughing child, who was still happy enough to shout "KISS!!" after she had calmed down from the coughing.

2. making a delightful pot of tea, followed by a delicious pot of coffee.

3. sitting by the heat vent eating breakfast sausage with a very hungry toddler. 

4. an hour alone in target, to find more than what i need, but just enough to fill my cart

5. adjusting babies. Truly, treating kids and infants is so much fun. 

6. Sunshine all day, even tho it was cold and windy, the sun was so beautiful!

7. Rocks. nothing gives my girl more joy right now than carrying around a rock or two. weird, but there it is.

8. the way Ruby laughs at her daddy. good god, that can lighten your burden for a bit.

9. Burgerville for dinner. Local, sustainable, delicious, and they treat their employees well. Amen to that.

10. Friends that get you, you know the ones, that you can sign crazy things to across the play ground, the ones that ask you with such sincerity 'how are YOU?', the ones that know exactly what knitting pattern you'll like, or not like, the ones that force you to do things you don't want to, because they know you need it more than you'll admit. yeah... you. I'm talking to you. thanks. 

Mindfulness, striving for it.

Lately, parenting my almost two year old is a trying time. She is cranky, and clingy and needy. She wants what she wants NOW, and if she doesn't get it she throws things or tantrums. It's not easy to deal with when it's short lived, but when it's day after day, it's exhausting. When you combine this with a toddler who skips naps and who fights falling asleep till 11 pm, it is complete crazy making.
Trying to keep her happy and distracted throughout the day is hard work, and on no nap days damn near impossible on my own. Taking her out can sometimes be good, as she has some fun, yet her wick is short and it's not always fair to people we go play with to have a cranky angry toddler around. Sometimes we resort to Signing Times or Toy Story to get through the last few hours of the day, and sometimes we just go from moment to moment hoping for and early bedtime, and trying not to lose my cool.
As this week has worn on, as I got more and more tired of the whole situation, and as I felt more and more at the end of my rope, I realized I needed to shift my perspective in order to get through this period. I realized that I needed to think more about how my little girl was feeling, and focus less on my own frustration. She gets cranky and wants my attention because she's not getting it. She's going through a growth period emotionally and physically and she wants me to be a part of it, and I'm busy trying to clean the house and cook the meals and run a business. She's frustrated because she can't fully articulate what she wants, and she can't get the things she wants for herself... and I'm slow on the up take of both of those things for her. She's clingy because I'm setting boundaries around how often she can nurse (nope, not every 45 minutes!) and she's feeling the need to be close to me.
I realized that it was time to dial things back a bit and spend a lot of time breathing deeply and getting down to her level. I won't say that once I had this realization that everything was roses and sunshine, but when I was able to really focus on her and what was happening in that moment, it WAS better. I won't say I didn't lose my cool more than once after making this realization, cause I did... but I gave her a lot more of myself before I needed to leave the room.
Our lives have taken on a breakneck speed of busyness lately. The basement remodel is starting to look like it's going to wrap up soon, with that the household is in constant motion, and daddy is extra busy. Spring means gardening which means extra housework, and the laundry and dishes aren't going to do themselves. I'm a social person by nature, and it seems this is birth blessing and birthday season. Running a household, a business or two and keeping up friendships makes for a busy mama. Ruby is my (almost) constant companion, so we spend a lot of time out and about... and it's wearing on both of us. I'm not adept at letting things slide too much, but the laundry is allowed to pile up a little more and the state of chaos of the house is getting higher and higher, and i'm not tackling it as often (not to say it doesn't annoy me!). There is an end in sight thankfully to much of it. We've got a fun weekend/early week of family (Ru's cousins) coming to play and then a week after that our housemate/vice husband/live in builder moves on to different pastures. I think the weekend after he goes, which will be Ruby's birthday weekend, we'll take some friends up on their offer of using their beach house and have a quiet weekend just the three of us.
Life with a little person is short (ha ha ha) and can be incredibly sweet if we let it. My goal for this weekend is to do less multitasking and more mini-tasking with my little mini. We've got a lot planned, but with her hand in mine, hopefully we can get through the days with a little more grace and a little less crank.

Mindfulness, striving for it.

Lately, parenting my almost two year old is a trying time. She is cranky, and clingy and needy. She wants what she wants NOW, and if she doesn't get it she throws things or tantrums. It's not easy to deal with when it's short lived, but when it's day after day, it's exhausting. When you combine this with a toddler who skips naps and who fights falling asleep till 11 pm, it is complete crazy making.
Trying to keep her happy and distracted throughout the day is hard work, and on no nap days damn near impossible on my own. Taking her out can sometimes be good, as she has some fun, yet her wick is short and it's not always fair to people we go play with to have a cranky angry toddler around. Sometimes we resort to Signing Times or Toy Story to get through the last few hours of the day, and sometimes we just go from moment to moment hoping for and early bedtime, and trying not to lose my cool.
As this week has worn on, as I got more and more tired of the whole situation, and as I felt more and more at the end of my rope, I realized I needed to shift my perspective in order to get through this period. I realized that I needed to think more about how my little girl was feeling, and focus less on my own frustration. She gets cranky and wants my attention because she's not getting it. She's going through a growth period emotionally and physically and she wants me to be a part of it, and I'm busy trying to clean the house and cook the meals and run a business. She's frustrated because she can't fully articulate what she wants, and she can't get the things she wants for herself... and I'm slow on the up take of both of those things for her. She's clingy because I'm setting boundaries around how often she can nurse (nope, not every 45 minutes!) and she's feeling the need to be close to me.
I realized that it was time to dial things back a bit and spend a lot of time breathing deeply and getting down to her level. I won't say that once I had this realization that everything was roses and sunshine, but when I was able to really focus on her and what was happening in that moment, it WAS better. I won't say I didn't lose my cool more than once after making this realization, cause I did... but I gave her a lot more of myself before I needed to leave the room.
Our lives have taken on a breakneck speed of busyness lately. The basement remodel is starting to look like it's going to wrap up soon, with that the household is in constant motion, and daddy is extra busy. Spring means gardening which means extra housework, and the laundry and dishes aren't going to do themselves. I'm a social person by nature, and it seems this is birth blessing and birthday season. Running a household, a business or two and keeping up friendships makes for a busy mama. Ruby is my (almost) constant companion, so we spend a lot of time out and about... and it's wearing on both of us. I'm not adept at letting things slide too much, but the laundry is allowed to pile up a little more and the state of chaos of the house is getting higher and higher, and i'm not tackling it as often (not to say it doesn't annoy me!). There is an end in sight thankfully to much of it. We've got a fun weekend/early week of family (Ru's cousins) coming to play and then a week after that our housemate/vice husband/live in builder moves on to different pastures. I think the weekend after he goes, which will be Ruby's birthday weekend, we'll take some friends up on their offer of using their beach house and have a quiet weekend just the three of us.
Life with a little person is short (ha ha ha) and can be incredibly sweet if we let it. My goal for this weekend is to do less multitasking and more mini-tasking with my little mini. We've got a lot planned, but with her hand in mine, hopefully we can get through the days with a little more grace and a little less crank.

Self nurture wednesday

Again, this is too easy this week! (kidding, kidding) I had to work this morning, then had a haircut/color (um, yeah I'm a redhead now!) and had a 90 min break between the two. Instead of cramming in some work (man work is suffering this week!) or rushing home to clean house, I went for a walk. I shopped for some shoes, and yarn (buying neither) and then spent the last 15 mins before my haircut swatching a new sweater... for me.

Then my brilliant baby (who had spent all day playing with Grandma and riding her new bike) went to sleep quickly and easily at 8:30, and now I'm knitting said sweater, alone in the quiet. Brilliant!

Self nurture tuesday

It's almost unfair, as this week my mother in law is in town, so getting a moment to myself is easy. ;)
Today, ruby took an early nap, and instead of spending that time working, I read and knit. Then when she went to bed easily and early, I knit some more.
Brilliant.

Self nurture monday

Well today was a work day... so I made dinner before I left for work, and worked for 6 hours, then had to stop and pick up avocados for dinner, but when i got home, the enchiladas were ready, and Ryan was making margaritas.

Mine was delicious. It made me nice and sleepy, and I'm planning on either 1. going to sleep with ruby in a few minutes, or 2. coming back down and skipping the pile of work in my bag and knitting on my sweater.

Either way, I win, and the work doesn't happen. ;)

More self nurture mamas here.