Mamazen

69 months

My dear sweet Ruby, 

It's been a while since I wrote you a letter, 6 months to be exact. But, we've been busy, and well, I forgot. So much has happened, SO MUCH. Frankly, as per usual, you've blown our minds with what you've done and how you've grown. Kindergarden has proven to be so much fun for you, you've made friends, you're working hard on communicating and interacting with them. You've been hugely successful with potty at school, tho we're still working on getting poops in the toilet, and we're all doing our best to be patient with you as you learn how to do this and communicate your needs to us. 

At school you're progressing well on all of your goals, not blowing through them, but slowly working on each one. I'm not sure you'll reach all of them, but you're trying, and we're so proud of you. Your language is progressing with leaps and bounds, your conversational skills surprise me every day. You'd think that I would be used to these surprises by now, but I never am, they always blow me away. 

You've been having sleep troubles off and on again but the awesome thing is that you're sleeping in your own room! We moved your bed into your Lorax room shortly before Christmas, and surprisingly it was an pretty easy transition... well the going to bed part was. Every night you're happy as can be to run into your room after your shower and hop into bed and to let one of us read books to you and snuggle you till  you fall asleep. However you've only had a night or two that you slept all night alone in there, and after a month and half of your daddy and I taking turns sleeping in your twin bed we finally decided to just put a twin mattress on the floor of your room so we'd have a comfortable place to sleep. I figure all of your sleep transitions have been difficult and have taken a long time so this one probably will be too but we might as well get as much rest as possible during it. 

Your daddy is doing all the nght duty because I realized I just needed more sleep... because you're going to be a big sister! It's still very abstract for you, but I think you're starting to get it. Every night when I do bedtime you like to rest your head on my belly and say "good night! sweet dreams baby!" We listen to the heartbeat with a doppler and you will sometimes get a HUGE smile on your face when we hear that sweet galloping sound that is your little brother or sister. I can't wait till you can feel the kicks and rolls as he or she grows bigger in my belly, and I really can't wait to see how you grow and mature when he or she arrives. 

My dear, amazing Ruby, I can't believe you're closer to six than you are to five. Every day you amaze me, and every day I'm grateful to be your mother. Every day you shake me to my core, empty me out and fill me up again. Every day, you show me thing I didn't know existed in the world around me, and in the world within me. 

I love you, I love you, I love you. 

xoxo Mama

And so it begins

Dear Ruby, 

Your daddy and I just got back from dropping you off at your first day of kindergarten. You held our hands tightly, oh so tightly, as we walked down the sidewalk and into the school, hiding your eyes when the throng of children overhwlemed you. 

You seemed a little nervous at first, but as soon as we got into the room you were excited to put your backpack on a hook and look at your schedule.

 

You met your teacher Ms. Foley and one of your aides, Ms. Shelly and decided to choose drawing as your quiet time activity.

Of course, your idea of drawing with crayons involves peeling the paper off of every crayon before you do much actual drawing. 

Overall you were pretty excited to be in your new classroom, and to try new things and meet new people!

We are so so so proud of you, Ruby. So very proud of how far you've come and how far you'll go. You didn't' shed a single tear, you were nothing but smiles and excitement. Your daddy and I both teared up in the hallway after leaving you, and I'm sitting here at my desk trying to stave off the tears that want to flood my cheeks as a lump in my throat makes it hard for me to drink my coffee. It's gonna be a long day till 3 pm when I can see your sweet face again and hear all about how awesome kindergarten is for you. 

We love you so very much, peanut. We will always be here, holding your hand, standing in the shadows, right behind you, making sure your needs are met and that you're getting the very best. I know you're going to rock it, cause you always do. 

Here's to the next adventure, Mama. (and Daddy)

 

Twas the night before kindy

My dear Ruby,

Tomorrow is your very first day of kindergarten. You may or may not spend the whole day there, since you haven't met your new teacher or seen the classroom yet, we may just have a short visit then you'll spend a few hours playing at Mountain Valley school with your friends from last year before having your first official day on wednesday.

Frankly, I'm wracked with emotion about tomorrow. It's exciting, and scary, and wonderful. You're going to kindergarten!!! And the most amazing part is that you're going to kindergarten in underpants, not a diaper.

A few weeks ago I would have never thought you'd get here. We were having occasional success at home, but most of the time you just couldn't relax enough to pee on the potty. A huge amount of credit must go to your awesome and beloved preschool teacher Susan, who somehow convinced you to sit on the potty long enough to relax. (truth be told, the first day it was 2 hours) She had the patience and the magic to keep you there reading books and singing songs till you finally just let it go. The next day it took an hour and then that afternoon you jumped up, told me you had to go potty... and then you did. It was seriously magical.

After that, you had a pretty good success rate in the afternoons but the rest of the day it was too hard for you to focus on other things and make it to the potty in time. Then on my last day of work before we left for vacation our sitter was sick and you had to come down to the office with me for several hours. It was stressful and challenging, and still for some crazy reason I left you in underpants instead of putting you in a diaper. And lo and behold, half way through my 3rd patient you came running "I have to go potty!" ... and then you did.  After that it was game on and you peed in the potty 3 more times before having an accident.  Then next day was a travel day, and you wore a diaper on the plane, but asked to use the potty in the airport (where I am convinced that auto-flush toilets are the work of the devil and made to terrify people with autism and sensory issues) and as soon as we got to Grandma's house you went pee in the toilet (after chasing Leo around). 

On our vacation in michigan you were pretty successful peeing in Grandma's potty, and one day you finally relaxed enough to pee at Uncle Kurt's house. Our very last day of vacation, you finally finally! peed in a public potty, at the children's museum and I thought I might cry. I didn't think you could top that. 

Well, today you did. Since we've been home, you've had a couple of accidents, but managed to get most pees in the potty, only  needing a diaper to sleep and for poops. Today you went for a long bike ride with your daddy, having an accident while picking blackberries then when you got home, you were playing on your iPad and told me you had to poop. You ran for the potty and sat down but nothing happened, after a few false starts you sat down and... you did it.

You pooped in the potty. 

I have never been so happy to see a turd in the bowl, I was shocked and surprised and so proud that you finally figured it out, on your own terms, in your own time, just like Ruby always does. The day before you start kindergarten, you proved that you don't need diapers anymore. You're growing up by leaps and bounds and you amaze me. 

You did it, kid. Nothing makes me happier than seeing your adorable bum in underpants, nothing more than sending you off to kindergarten in them. 

I love you, I love you, I love you.
All day, every day, Mama

 

Autism takes a vacation

Dear Ruby,

Today was a travel day. We flew from Portland to Phoenix and then to Detroit and then drove 90 minutes to Lansing to spend 10 days with Grandma and your Michgan family. Usually travel days are pretty challenging for you. You hate wearing the seatbelt on the airplane and the constant noise level in the planes tend to get you overstimulated and halfway through the flight you tend to melt down and need a lot of redirection. 

Today was not that day. To be quite honest, today ROCKED. From the moment we got to the airport to the moment we got to Grandmas house, you were amazing.  You asked for your seatbelt  and you wore it the whole time without incident. The first 2.5 hour flight you spent your time exploring a new coloring book and pack of stickers, you sang some songs and watched the clouds and exclaimed "It's beautiful!" as we flew over the Grand Canyon. When it was time to land you didn't complain about having to put your tray table up and you thought the landing experience was like a rollercoater shouting "wooooah! Woooooah!!!!" as we touched down and slammed on the breaks. When it was time to get off the plane you were really reluctant to wait as you exclaimed "I have to go potty!" but we didn't make it to the toilet on time and you had a wet diaper. 

You transitioned to the second plane with complete ease and again buckled up and went back to work on your coloring books and stickers. Eventually you played with your iPad a little and watched some Curious George episodes, but for the most part you were content with your pens and coloring books and to watch the clouds go by and to tell them all about whatever was in your head.  I happily spent most of both flights knitting and reading my book, it's been years since I've had the freedom to do that on a flight!

When we landed in Detroit you again exclaimed that you had to go potty, and we rushed to the toilet where you sat, but couldn't pee but then soaked through your diaper (that had been DRY!) while I used the potty. You seemed really bummed that you'd wet your pants but since you were in a dress, it didn't really matter! You waited so calmly and patiently by my side while we waited and waited for our luggage  and then when you saw Grandma you were SO SO SO excited to see her that you could hardly contain yourself. (And you made her pretty darn happy too!)

We then went out to dinner and you ate well (and were a little overstimulated but then we all were) and we had to help you chill out with some iPad puzzles. You tried 4x to pee on the potty, and every time you thought you had to go you ran as fast as you could to the bathroom and it was the cutest thing in the world to see you running down the aisle shouting "I have to go potty!" to everyone in the restaurant. (they have no idea how awesome it was, the fools). 

You had some tough moments on the drive from Detroit to Lansing but again were able to chill and focus with some iPad puzzles and when we arrived at Grandma's house you immediately ran for the potty and peed. I thought I would cry I was so proud of you! Then you spent a good 45 minutes chasing Leo the dog and wearing both of you out. By then it was 10:30 local time, and 7:30 home time, and you'd been up since before 5 am, and my dear, you just lost it. You ran for the shower and whimpered through most of it and happily jumped into bed. You were plum tuckered out. 

My dear sweet Ruby, in many ways today was just like any other day, you struggled to communicate, you had emotional melt downs and you got overstimulated and over sensitive. But in many other ways, it was a day without autism, or at least without Autism with a capital A. You approached many challenges and you met them head on and moved through them with ease and grace. You communicated your needs and dislikes and understood when you couldn't have your way. You listened to your body, and asked to use the potty when you thought you needed to, and had success! 

In many ways, today was a little vacation from autism, and it was a lovely one at that. Seeing you struggle less and succeed more fills my heart with such joy, I have no words to describe how happy it makes me to see you pass through the world aroud you with ease, your challenges and disabilities virtually un-noticed by others. Autism will always be a part of how your brain works, and how we all exist in this world, but seeing you today reminds me that it won't always keep you from successfully navigating the world around you, and it reminds me that I should never underestimate your awesomeness. 

My, darling, amazing girl, quite frankly, you blow my mind. 

All my love, and even more tomorrow, Mama. 

Representin'

My Dear sweet Ruby, 

July was the first month I didn't write you a monthly love letter in 60 months, it was hard... I kind of wanted to, but then I realized that it would be more fun just to wait for a day that I wanted to write you a letter about something specifically, and well, here we are! 

Lately you've been growing with leaps and bounds. Your language has exploded in some ways  (you're commenting randomly on so many things) and in other ways you're still stuck (you still call everyone Arnold). It's amazing how many songs you sing in a day, some you've never heard before! Today we were driving to the beach and you heard Adele singing Rolling in the Deep and by the end of the song you were singing along. 

The thing that has blown my mind is that one week ago you couldn't draw a circle. Today you did this:

Then you did this:

and you told me "it's a bunny rabbit! it's a mouse!"

You've taken your drawing to a whole new level and it is so amazing to see you make this leap.

"a monster!"  "a bird!" 

You don't seem to create like other kids do. You would draw the circle, then wander off to the other side of the box and doodle, and then come back to something you'd drawn and add to it, and then you'd proclaim what it is. You're so amazing. 

Once you realized I was taking pictures of your drawing, you wouldn't let me stop. If I put the camera down you'd go pick it up and make me take more pictures. 

"it's a dog!"

 

Oh Ruby. Just when we're not sure where you're going, you jump up and run ahead of us. Drawing circles AND representational drawing? my mind is once again blown.  I love you so very much. 

xoxo Mama

60 months. FIVE YEARS OLD.

My dear, sweet, amazing Ruby,

Today at 1:46 pm you turned 5 years old. How does that happen? How does it happen so very fast? It feels like just one minute ago you were wrapped up tightly in my body, not wanting to come out making me work harder than I'd ever imagined

and the next minute you were wrapped like a burrito looking into your daddy's eyes for the first time

and then there you were, and you were mine and I'd known you all along, even though we had no idea who was in there

I knew I would love you until my heart no longer beat, and I knew that you were so very worth the wait.

Now, here we are 60 months later, you're FIVE. FIVE? It's almost too much to bear. 

 

We spent your birthday weekend at a cabin in the woods

where you learned to fish with your daddy

Played with your iPad and loved every second of it

Lay on the dock, watching spiders and throwing rocks in the water (you also fell in the river, scaring both of us half to death)

and of course, you spent plenty of time with pen and paper

You learned how to play tetherball (sort of) and you wore your Daddy's favorite hat

You had a snowball fight with your Daddy in June and you won! Then you looked for tracks in the snow (probably a cow, thanks Elmo's animal adventures) and blew our minds with your awesomeness.

All in all you had a fantastic birthday weekend, you turned five and you are fantastic. Autism didn't win this one, you did. Don't get me wrong, autism showed up for many parts of our weekend, but it wasn't autism's fifth birthday, it was YOURS.  

Quite frankly, I'm still amazed on a daily basis that I am someone's mother. I'm honored that I am YOUR mother, that you chose ME to guide you through this beautiful yet sometimes challenging world. I'm floored by you on a daily basis, the heights you reach, the things you attempt, and the pure unadulterated joy you bring to those around you.

My dear sweet Ruby, you are my sun and moon, the stars and rainbows, my laughter, my light, and my breath. You are my greatest joy, my sharpest ache and the reason I rise every day. You force me each and every day to live in the moment, to focus on the now and yet also to keep the future brewing in the back of my mind. You help me to see the smallest of details, while simultaneously keeping the big picture in view. You are very worth the long long wait it took to bring you into our lives and I would do it again, ten thousand times over. 

Happy Happy Birthday my sweetest girl.

Thank you for giving me the title I so yearned for, 

Mama

 

59 months

My dear sweet Ruby,

Last week you turned 59 months old (and yes I'm late again). It's been a bit of a rough month, your daddy hasn't been feeling great, not getting enough sleep and just generally feeling run down, so we've all been a bit challenged to keep things running as usual. Your sleep hit the skids again and now you're having awake nights once or twice a week. It's not the worst, but we're still tired and sometimes a little short with each other. Every month these letter keep getting later and later, so i'm thinking next month might be my last. You'll be 5 years old and 60 monthly love letters are pretty rad. So I'm thinking after next months I might just switch to writing random letters to you, about you. I hope that's ok. 

This month has been one for jumping in puddles, peering through holes in fences (and throwing things over them) and exploring what's under big rocks.

It's been one of snuggles and shouts of "Come 'ere, you wanna snuggle?" 
Yes my sweet girl, the answer is always YES. 

It's been time for zoo trips on sunny (and not so sunny) days.

Where you tried to become a lion tamer,

Or lion dentist, I'm not sure. 

You also fell in love with the penguins and we spent quite a long time watching them dive and swim.

It's been a month of fresh cut grass to run your toes through

And a long weekend visit to Nana and Grandpa's where you dragged them down to the river to show them how you throw rocks in. You are the best at it, after all.

Sometimes I'm not sure if you can be any cuter.

You also took a trip to an awesome playground in Eugene, where you climbed on the back of a whale.

and showed it who was boss.

And you had a good swing (or three) with Grandpa.

You also have completely blown my mind this month by not only learning the letters of your name and shouting "R-U-B-Y Ruby!" but also tracing the letters and calling them out while you do it. 

Seriously amazing sweet girl.I could watch you do this all day (and somedays I do)

You've also taken your coloring to a different level. You like ink pens, and dark colors only please. You're also really into shading things in, and coloring the same item on each page (in a themed book)so that everyone has matching  hats, or all the beds look similar. It's really awesome to watch your brain do what it does. 

In some ways its also been a tough month. The sleep deprivation, the crabbiness and some whopper tantrums. Try as we might, we all have bad days and sometimes I'm not the best mama in the world, but I try my best to make sure you know I love you more than anything no matter how crabby I am. 

 

At the end of the day, no matter how bad it's been, there you are, snuggled up in your bed, inches from me. I know that every night at some point I'll feel your sleepy body crawl into my bed and you'll press your head against mine (stealing my pillow and hogging the blankets) and wrap your arms around me and I know you love me too. At the end of the day, there is always love. 

I can't believe you're going to be FIVE. How did that happen? Just 5 minutes ago you were still a dream not yet realized and now you're FIVE? Sometime I just can't believe it's true, but then I see you across the room and it is. You're a kid  you're MY kid, and you're awesome. 

I love you, always, forever, and then some. 

Mama.

 

58 months

My dear sweet Ruby,

Last week you turned 58 months, but I got SICK and kept putting off writing your letter, so this one may be a little short.

This month has been a good one. You've really been exploring the outdoors as spring is *finally* upon us.

We've been taking you on regular hikes to Oaks Bottom Nature preserve, where you love to throw rocks in the pond

hike down the trail, calling out to all the animals and trees,

sit by the pond and ponder ...

sit in the grass and ponder...

and maybe ponder some more.

One day on one of our hikes you had quite possibly the worst autistic meltdown I've ever seen (for you). When it was time to head back to the car, we decided to do a loop, not turn back and you completely panicked and completely lost your little mind. It was all I could do to carry your crying/screaming/writhing body out of there. Fortunately we were with friends who were kind and understanding and very helpful. Afterward we all got ice cream and felt much better.

It was quite educational (and exhausting) for me to see you fall apart, and to later realize what had done it and hope that next time I can avoid it, or help you navigate it better. It's not always easy being a mama, but it's always a learning experience.

You've been exploring more sensory play around the house lately too. Lots of time in your swing, asking for it when you need a break (or sometimes to avoid bedtime). You recently climbed inside the bean box and felt the wonders of being surrounded by cool cool beans. I think it'll be a fave over the summer!

You've also been helping me in the kitchen, especially when we bake cookies. You like to test the batter and tell me it's "DELICIOUS!" and pour the chocolate chips. You also like to turn the mixer on when I'm not ready and sometimes that makes a huge mess, but that's ok, I'm good at cleaning messes.

You've also been helping in the yard! You helped pull weeds one day, and helped look for worms. You also really wanted to help shovel dirt, but it was a bit bigger than you.

I am hesitant to say it out loud, but you've been sleeping great. We started doing Qi Gong massage on you (a program just for kids with autism) and since we started you've slept almost every night straight through. You've had a few rough nights, but over all, you're rocking the bedroom. Silently. All. Night. Long. (and now I assume the streak will end)

My dear sweet Ruby. Once again you never cease to amaze me. You have been such a love lately, smothering those you love with hugs and kisses and abundant sweetness. You love to get our faces so close together that my eyelashes tickle yours and it sends you into fits of giggles.  Sometimes I feel so very lucky that you chose me to be your mama, but then I remember that I chose you too and we couldn't be more perfectly matched.

You've taught me that I have more patience then I ever imagined, that I can survive without sleep, and that I actually can listen to the same song for an hour and not lose my mind. I've taught you how to search for worms, how to sing "Blackbird" by the Beatles and how to make chocolate chip cookies. And we've taught each other that love knows no boundaries, it still works if you can say it or not, and it can move mountains.

Last night as we got home late from your Nana's 65th birthday party and got you into bed much later than usual, you called out "Good night! I love you, Daddy!" and I thought for sure my heart would burst with the sweetness, but it didn't and I lived another day to be your mama and have my heart filled again and again with your perfection.

Till tomorow and tomorrow and tomorrow, Mama.

57 Months

My dear sweet Ruby,

One week ago you turned 57 months old. This letter will be short and sweet, just like you are. 

This week you've been on spring break from both your schools so Grandma was visiting and Daddy took the week off from work. It's been lots of fun, soaking pool, OMSI, shopping trips, movies and lots and lots of snuggles. You let mama and daddy go out on several dates and had Grandma put you to bed multiple times. We all had a wonderful week, even though it was peppered with some rough moments and some long melt downs.  

On two separate occasions we went out to lunch all together and you were quite a star. Sometimes you completely blow my mind with your capabilities, and then the next day I'll push too far and you'll just collapse. We're learning every day, you and I. One thing we've definitely learned is that you really do thrive on structure. Having a week of none what so ever and by the end of it you (and I) were a mess. Oh how we're looking forward to the return of school so that you can have your normal days back. You'll miss Grandma something fierce, and I know you've loved having Daddy around all day, but the calm that comes with normalcy is wonderful.

You've had a pretty good month, making amazing strides in your speech and communication. The fish oil we started you on a month ago has pretty much blown all of our minds. You're more connected, you repeat more, you initiate more and are just plain working harder at your communication. You've also had one tiny bad side effect of the new brain leaps... cranky. The fish oil company calls it the "tasmanian devil effect" ... and oh how you've lived up to that. You had a few weeks where you would go from 0-pissed off in 10 seconds flat and you've perfected the art of the door slam. There is this shriek of "NO!" and the stomp stomp stomp of your feet across the floor and the *SLAM*! Oy, I hope it doesn't last forever. At least it seems less and less as the days go on. You still get pretty agitated, but you're figuring out how to dial yourself back in and when you know to seek comfort or fulfill your sensory needs. You seem genuinely excited that you've got these new abilities and this new language and it fills me with such pride and joy. I love how much you're learning. 

Next week it's back to school and normal life and as much as I'll miss the sleeping in I get when your daddy is home, I'm really looking forward to some one on one time with just my girl. We'll get some more soaking pool time in and maybe hit up OMSI or the playground, but I also suspect we'll just spend some time being quiet and together. And there is no where I'd rather be.

All my love, Mama

56 months

My Dear Sweet Ruby,

Last week you turned 56 months (and nope, I'm not missing a month, I"m just late!). You woke up on the 20th with a fever that lasted for 4 days and then lingered as a cold/cough and then I got sick and then your daddy so... well it's been a rough week.

You spent a lot of time sleeping.

Some time reading.

But most of your time sleeping.

You were a happy pumpkin when it snowed and you got to go outside,

but after about 3 minutes you wanted to come back in and eat snowcones.

Earlier this month we spent several days at the Children's Museum.

You explored the light brite again and

finally went to play in the water,

and it only took a few trips for mama to remember to bring a dry shirt for you to change into.

You've also been playing with flubber,

and painting with both sticky paint

 and regular. oh the sensory messes we get into!

Your daddy and I visited with a new doctor, a developmental pediatrician and she gave us some great ideas to help you sleep and to work toward more success on the potty. We really liked her and hope she can be a vital part of our rockin Ruby team in years to come. We'll be learning exciting things like Qi Gong massage to add to your bedtime routine and new sensory play ideas to help you regulate your body a little more. We've also started giving you a new fish oil, and even though it's yucky, you're doing your best to take it and not hate it too much (it helps that you get some chocolate at the same time)

We're also still in the huge prep for kindergarden. This gives mama much anxiety and many sleepless nights. However, no matter what happens, we can always change things if it's not working for you, cause in the end that is what matters most: you.

It's been a rough week around these here parts, but you're feeling better and the sun is coming back out (ok it's march now, we won't see the sun for at least 40 days). You are my most favorite person and you fill my days with laughter. When you say (completely unprovoked) "I love you!" I sometimes feel like my heart may burst, and yet it doesn't, it stays intact for yet another day of being your mama.

You fill me up like no other.

All  my love, Mama