Mamazen

day 23: Something you wish you had done.

I'm working pretty darn hard right now to make sure there isn't anything left that I wish I had done. This means I'm crossing lines I didn't think I'd ever cross and making choices I didn't ever think I'd need to make. 

I won't be blogging about this publicly. I thought I would but in the end I've decided to play it close to the vest and keep it to myself and my inner circle but I'm not going down with out a fight. 

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.

Huh. This one kind of baffles me. There are a lot of things in my life I wish I'd done differently, or better, or with more aplomb, but things I hadn't done at all? I can't think of one. I'm sure there are things from my youth that I regretted at the time, but now with the benefits of age (haha) most things I've done or been a part of were learning experiences. 

If I hadn't done everything I've done, would I be who I am? There are one or two things that have happened to me that I wish hadn't or had gone down slightly differently, but those aren't thing I did. And besides those things also shaped who I am. 

So, no. 

Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a big fight an hour before. What do you do?

Seriously? She's my best friend. I don't if an hour ago she tried to light my yarn on fire, she's still my best friend and I'd get my ass to her side. Who would do anything otherwise? 

Day 20: Views on drugs and alcohol.

Don't do crazy shit like heroin or meth. If you've got addictive tendencies, don't do anything. Don't drink vodka for breakfast. 

Otherwise, enjoy. 

Day 19. My views on religion and politics.

I realized I hadn't blogged in almost a month, and that I wasn't finished with this 30 days of truth (which is more like 4 months in my house) so I'm gonna get back at it. 

Religion: I was raised liberal catholic. At the ripe age of 19 I realized it didn't resonate with me and I left the church. I explored other christian religions and then in my early 20s realized that they didn't either. So I left religion behind for good. Once I was no longer searching for a 'church' I realized what I was searching for was a connection to something deeper, something more meaningful: I was searching for a connection to the divine. I haven't completely found it, but I have more spiritual connectedness now than I did when I belonged to a religion. 

Now, as far as what YOU think about religion? I don't care. I won't bother you if you don't bother me. i don't think you need to think like I think, nor do I want to think like you. I don't need your disgust, or your anger, or your pity, or your prayers that I'll start believing like you. Fair enough? 

Politics: I'm liberal. Socially, fiscally and with my curse words. I lobby for children, the disabled, the poor, the under-served and the unrepresented. I believe in taxes and social services and YES I wish we had nationalized health care. I believe we need more corporate responsibility and less money spent on war. I'm a LIBERAL - not just democrat. 

Now, as far as what YOU think about politics? I don't care.  I won't bother you if you don't bother me. i don't think you need to think like I think, nor do I want to think like you. I don't need your disgust, or your anger, or your pity, or your prayers that I'll start believing like you. Fair enough? 

 

Day 18. My views on gay marriage

I've been married to a man for almost 15 years. It's hard work, requires constant attention and both selflessness and occasional selfishness. You always have to have your partners needs in consideration while also making sure your own needs are met. When I think about the future, I'm not just thinking about what I want, but also what he might see for our distant plans. When the time came to have children we both had to work hard to change our priorities and shift our perspectives (over and over and over as it turned out). Marriage is hard work, but personally I love being married. I love having this lifelong commitment to this person who carries a huge part of my heart around inside of his chest. But that's not all I love about being married. I know if I ever get sick or injured, Ryan can make decisions about my health care, and I for him. I am automatically on his health insurance when he starts a new job.  He can (god forbid) follow my wishes for end of life care. We have rights to the estate (haha) that we've built together, and should something happen to one of us, our child(ren)  are automatically safe in the other's care. 

We got married when we were in our early 20s and didn't have to anything other than pick out flowers and sign a paper. We didn't have to fight for the right to sit by the other's side in case of a medical emergency. We didn't have to negotiate legal mazes to ensure our child would be with the other should something happen. It was easy, because we have different junk in the trunk. 

My views on gay marriage? Guess. It's not about religion, or what you do in the bedroom. It's about legal rights and protection. I could care less about what other people choose to do when they turn out the lights (or leave them on if that's what turns your crank) but when two people who treasure each other choose to spend their lives committed to one another, they deserve the same legal protection that we do. Plain and simple. 

Day 17. A book you've read that has changed your views on something.

Hrm. I've read a LOT of books. Many have changed my views on something or other, but nothing is coming to mind. Instead I'll tell you a funny story about a book I still have yet to read. 

I was taking a CranioSacral course with my friend Molly and during a break we were walking around the book section finding ways to spend money we didn't have. I randomly picked up a book called Healing your rift with God and tossed it aside, saying "I don't have a stinking rift with GOD" and moved on. Molly laughed at me and we went about our way. 

Six month and much personal shift later, Molly and I were at another CST training and perusing the books again when I picked up the same book. Apparently I had no memory of disdaining the book before and exclaimed to Mol, "Oh my God! I totally NEED this book!" She had quite a laugh, and I bought the book. 

Here it is several years later, and I have yet to read the book, and truth be told, I still have quite a rift with God, one that has turned more into a chasm in recent years. But that is a post for another question, no? 

day 16. Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Well, I bet you think I'm going to say 'autism', don't you. But no, I'm not. If I remove autism from my life, I will also be removing at least one person I'd rather not exist without. So as much challenge as autism brings to my life, my heart, and my sleep schedule, I wouldn't kick it to the curb. 

I could, however, live without some of the more painful and exhausting parts of Ruby's autistic challenges. Our lives would be much more restful and productive if sleep were more predictable. I could go into the deep and dirty, dark and ugly about how challenging sleep is in our house, but... let's just say I see the wee hours of the night/morning more often than I'd like. It's better than it was a year ago, but still difficult. 

If Ruby could communicate, just a wee bit more, it sure would make our lives easier. As evidenced by last night's 2 hour screaming/crying/raging fit over painful ear. It took a full 3 hours for us to figure out what hurt, get her to take some homeopathic meds and finally fall back to sleep. Seriously, heart wrenching for the parents. Ruby has such interest in playing with her peers, interacting with those around her, but communication make it so challenging. If I could unlock that just a little bit more...

So yeah, there are things I could live with out. I could live without the 3 hours of raging fits she had due to pain and frustration. I could do without hearing my girl cry "all done all done all done, i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok" when she is clearly NOT ok. I could do without being awake from 3-5:30 am on any given day. 

But, hey, it could be worse, right? 

day 15. Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it

Another one that I can't honestly relate to. I've had food allergies my whole life. I know all about living without and not being miserable. Don't get me wrong, there are times I smell chocolate and want to weep in a corner, but I can live without it. 

I could say that I can't live without Ruby, but since I haven't tried, and don't plan on it well, it doesn't fit this question does it. Life before Ruby was not a miserable existence. I had moments (days, weeks, years) of abject misery, wondering if I would ever experience motherhood but it was a pretty decent life. If she were to disappear from my life NOW, well... quite frankly I can't even fathom that, much less type it. But I would keep living. My heart would be broken, but i would keep living. 

 

day 14. A hero that has let you down

Hero. huh? I don't really have heros. I mean, there are people I admire, people I look up to, people I respect, but no one I idolize. None of those people are perfect, so I don't think any of them have let me down.

I let myself down on a regular basis, but that is why I'm in therapy, no?