Grace in small things 44/365

I won't lie to you. Things have been tough lately. The economy is rough, and running your own business in an crap economy is trying. My wonderful husband is stressed beyond his limits with work, yet soldiers on as everyone does, because he is grateful he has a job. My dear sweetest Ruby is almost three and clearly has a language learning delay, and as a mother this is the hardest thing I've yet to face. I may blog about that some other time, but for now I will say just that. 

I want more than anything to have another child. I yearn to feel the sweetness of a baby growing within me again, to feel the tossing, turning, kicking, growing. I desperately want to have another chance to give birth. I want to give birth on my terms. I want another chance to push a baby out, instead of have it cut out of me with violence and sadness. I long to feel a tiny sweet nursling nuzzled in my arms as the hours go by with a baby at my breast. I want to experience another human in my life, and share that human with ryan and Ruby. 

One of my biggest fears is that this won't happen. Ruby was a lucky InVitro Fertilization baby. I say lucky because we got pregnant and stayed pregnant on our first shot of IVF, and we had 6 embryos to freeze.  We ended up doing IVF after 7 IUI (intra-uterine insemination) and years of trying to conceive the way regular people do. To say I felt lucky, is an understatement. I knew the other possibilities. I know (way too) many people who have done multiple IVFs to no avail. I also know (way way way too many) people who have gotten pregnant and lost babies at every stage of the game. I know what that heartache looks like, and hell yes I felt lucky to have brought home a healthy living baby after one round of IVF. 

When we decided we were ready to have another child, we (arrogantly) assumed it would be easy. We had 6 embryo's in great condition frozen. Statistically that should have given us a decent chance at bringing home another live baby. I went into my first FET in january thinking about estimated due dates, maternity clothes and midwife appointments. I got pregnant for 15 minutes and had my heart broken. We had 3 embryos left, and went forward with another transfer, hoping against hope that we'd get an embryo that would want to stick around for longer than 15 minutes.... Nope, what we got was bupkis. Nothing, negative, nada.  We were out of embryos. Back to square one.

I'll let that sink in a little. For those of you who have no experience with the trials and tribulations of infertility... a fresh IVF cycle is something like this... 

• 2-3 weeks of mind numbing and crazy making birth control pills to down regulate your ovaries.
• 10-14 days of 2-3 shots a day in the abdomen (sub-cutaneous for those who like big words) to stimulate your ovaries to produce multiple eggs. I was a lucky one who's ovaries swelled up to the size of grapefruits and made it feel like my insides were going to fall out of my vagina. (yeah, try to get that image out of your mind now!)
•  Egg retrieval - aka transvaginal oocyte retrival. yeah. they (thankfully) knock you out (yay versied!)and stick a very long needle.... yeah. thats all I want to say. ::shudder::
• Then you wait a day while they fertilize the eggs with your partners sperm (or whomever's sperm you'd like) either by dimming the lights in the petrie dish room, or IntraCytoplasmic Sperm Injection if you have male factor infertility, and a few extra thousand dollars. 
• More waiting, while you hope and pray your fertilized eggs divide and multiply.  
• After a few days (3 or 5 depending on your age and embryo quality) they dope you up on valium, and pop a couple of those puppies back up in there and you pray for implantation, aka pregnancy.  All the while getting a 3 inch needle in the butt cheek each night filled with more fun infused hormones. 
• Any embryos you have left get frozen for future use, hopefully... or to dash your hopes against the rocks 3 years later.  

So... this is how it goes. And this is what I may or may not be doing sometime in my near future. Infertility will suck the life out of you, but one day you may get the win and you realize that it was worth every second of it, worth every shot in the ass, every bruise on your belly and ounce of misery... because one day you wake up and you have this:

And your heart cracks wide open and things pour into it and spill out of it that you never imagined were possible. 

For the past three years, Ruby has been rocking my world and filling me up with an amazing amount of love. I want more than anything to give her a sibling, to share her, and to allow her to share herself. I want more than anything to have another child. My heart aches to mother another child. 

However, a week ago we were at the zoo and I saw my sweet girl running across the grass, enjoying the sun, just being herself... and I realized with a full heart that if we do a fresh cycle of IVF and it doesn't work... if we do all we can and can't have another child... if we run the gauntlet again and don't get lucky... I know we already have. 

If this is all I get, it is more than enough. 

Comments

[Pauline]

I have been, and will continue to hope for a sibling for Ruby, a new baby for you and Ryan . . . I am sorry that it is so hard, that you have to go through so much. You are a wonderful mama and a great friend.

[Savannah Mayfield]

Thank you for this tender glimpse into your heart. You are such an awesome mama and woman.

[pamelamama]

*sniffle* She's lucky to have you.

[Carol Gray]

Thank you for writing. I bow down to you.

[Megan D]

You are both blessed to have each other. I do hope that you get to experience pregnancy and motherhood again though.

[Joanne]

I LOVE this line:
"And your heart cracks wide open and things pour into it and spill out of it that you never imagined were possible. "

I will think good thoughts for you and your family.

[Leah]

oh my. i absolutely commend you for your fight. thank you so much for helping me understand a little better your emotional (and physical--oy!) struggle with IVF. i think you are a fabulous woman and i am happy to know you. xoxo.

[LisaG]

I sit here with the babe snoozing on my lap, tears fill my eyes, and I am so grateful we both got so damn lucky. I hope with all my heart that your dream of another baby to fill your belly and bless your lives comes to fruition.

[Lee]

Thank you for opening up and sharing. I learn so much from you and hope for another baby for you.

[Ellie]

Thank you for sharing, Korin. You are an amazing mama. Hoping that things go well for you this round- I can't imagine going through all this... yet I totally understand it. LOVE to you.